Clean days :-)

59/69 = .855

I had falls on Friday and מוצש"ק.  I've found a lot of times that problems come when I'm either bored or just not willing to go to bed.  It's not always that I was triggered as much as I'm looking for something to do.  That's kind of what happened these last couple days.  I haven't ever used the chatroom here.  Maybe that's a good tool I should start taking advantage of in that situation.

60/70 = .857

BEHS wrote on 06 Jun 2016 04:24:

 


Ha! We all have the same יצר הרע. One day we can't find enough time for learning, and the next day we have too much time for acting out.
Maybe resume your Mesillas blog.

Hatzlocha

 

I was expecting someone to call me out on that contradiction. I'll clarify: when I'm commuting and have time to either read or learn, I want to do both GYE and gemara. When it's late at night and I'm trying to have a few minutes of "zoning out" before I go to bed, I find boredom brings me where I shouldn't go.

61/71 = .859

I'm back up to level 3.  Just started נידה time yesterday so it might start to get rocky soon, but 'בעזרת ה I'll make it to the other side.

Boredom is a huge reason I fall. Make sure not to be around devices you can fall on when you're bored. What gedarim do you have in place for such situations?

65/78 = .833

I know it's been a while and I've have a few ups and downs.  I'm starting to make my way through the whitebook, but I haven't gotten to the steps yet, so I haven't gotten to anything actionable.  I have been able to relate to the piece about resentment and how that feeds the addiction.  I definitely harbor some (okay, let's be honest...it's a lot of) resentment towards my parents from my childhood.  I always felt like my needs were ignored and my siblings always got their way.  I was always compared to them and I could never match up.  I even confronted my mother about it a few years ago and she admitted it.  I haven't had any success in letting go of the past yet, but I realize that it's really the only way.  It's hard when I feel that it's not just something that happened in the past but that it's currently going on as well.

I once 'did' the steps one afternoon. By myself. In my room. Writing on the very computer I used to act out for so many hours.

I've got to say it did nothing for me. Absolutely no good at all. Like wearing glasses without the lenses.

I didn't realise that I was the problem. Me trying to run the show was the very problem I was trying to solve. By myself. In my room.

It was isolating and trying to do everything myself that got me into the problem. How could doing the very same thing be the solution?

It was like being stuck in quicksand and I was slowly going under. The more I tried to pull myself out, the faster I got sucked in.

It's no coincidence that the first word of 'the solution' is we. The first word of the 12 steps is we. I needed help to get pulled out of the quicksand, nothing I did by myself worked.

66/79 = .835

Watson, that's a great point that I'm definitely going to try to keep in mind.  I'm on a weekly call with a couple guys (shout-out to group 174) where we read parts of the whitebook and discuss the steps.  We're on our second time through but I wasn't as active the first time.  Now that I'm reading along and also in my own time I'm hoping I'll have more to add and share.  Hopefully that can be a good start for me.

Seems to me like OTR wrote tonight in a similar vein that the group call is good...

Look, every person is different

For me if I could open my big mouth in the group, like there was a wonderful share today on cordnoys call, it could probably be enough for me and not necessitate entering a group, but this is not necessarily the case for everyone

Im sure Dr Watson would prescribe for each of us just to do whatever it takes to get (just a little more) sober

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!

BEHS wrote on 16 Jun 2016 03:04:

Start of what? What do you mean exactly?

markz wrote on 16 Jun 2016 03:14:

Is 'a little more sober' like being a little less dead? A little less in prison?

To paraphrase Sandy B, almost having recovery is a bit like almost having a parachute.

Watson wrote on 24 Aug 1974 19:59:

My intent was that a Dr could gently softly encourage sobriety, definitely no half measures. I was highlighting gently that perhaps the patient (us) would on their own understanding decide to join meetings too but instead of calling it "The cure", I packaged it in (just a little more) friendly packaging

When it comes to sobriety, meetings isn't necessarily the complete fix-it-all.
Some may also need a personal coach / therapist and other tools.

We gotta do what works to fly our plane and not rely on (just a little more) parachutes

markz wrote on 16 Jun 2016 10:33:

My post didn't mention meetings. I deliberately left it open-ended because I'm interested in BEHS's thoughts.