I just came back after a close to six month break.

I really didn't want to come back and say I had fallen for the past six months.  It's the millionth time I've done it since I joined and I felt rather stupid coming again with the same old story.The whole time I was in touch with gye guys by phone and in person and I didn't want to tell them that I had been kind of forgetting to tell them I fell.

But it was getting out of hand and I knew I needed to come back. So I decided that I'll make a new account and act like I just joined. I made the account and clicked new topic in the introduce yourself section. Then I realized that if I do this, aside from the practical issues of making friends with the same guys twice, I was also avoiding responsibility for my actions. Without stepping up the plate and admitting to everyone that I fell, and I'm going to come crawling back for the help I need, I wasn't going to stop.

I think honesty i very closely connected to our struggle, SA has reasons for it, but I think even for a non-addict there's a real need for honesty. So much of our struggle is because we're hiding a part of ourselves from the world, and also from ourselves. We present ourselves as frum Jews, we learn, daven, and eat only good hechsheirim. Then there's this little part of us we hide. Until we learn to accept it, I don't think we can deal with it.

 

inastruggle wrote on 17 Apr 2016 05:18:

For a while I felt that way about GYE. Having this secret part of my life. Until it hit me how silly it was. Here I was ready to live all kinds of secrets but not the secret that can help me be the person that I want to be and that I dont have to be ashamed of. Thanks for the reminder.

Shlomo24 wrote:

I meant a streak of soberity with emphasis on soberity 

Hey chevra I'm going to Las Vegas for pesach well actually to be exact I'm going to Henderson Nevada which is 30 minutes away from the strip
there are actually 2 hotels there about 15 minute walk from each other if anyone is going to either let me know and maybe we can set something up 

one of the only good things is that my hotel is right next to the desert so I plan on going for a nice walk with myself to discus three main things 
1. have a good conversation with G-D ( haven't had a real good one In a while)
2 if I want to fall ( I've been thinking about this since my last fall and I think that even after seeing the effects to a degree I still want to fall I haven't hit rock bottom tzaruch iyun )
3 my general direction in life 

thoughts?

I am just trying to live life one day at a time. 

Day1 so I fell again today I learnt some stuff though a hole in the filter gonna get that fixed a trigger and that it's easy to get depressed

I can totally relate the feelings you must be having now. I've been there too many times. Try and rebound as much as you can. Once you get past the first few days it'll be easier to get back into the swing of things. 



I've gone through days of deep depression and despair. I think to myself, "I gotta do something now" but I never have anything to do about it. That's the worst for me. It usually goes away the next morning though. It rarely lasts more than a day. When it comes back I feel like here we go again. The same old feelings that I've known for years. Like seeing someone from a long time ago that you weren't close with. It's like "hey, that's so and so, but who cares." It's kind of nostalgic but it just makes you feel weird. 



Just ranting. Hope it makes a little sense. Hard to put thoughts and feelings to words. 

Best wishes and keep us posted. 

 

Firstly abd I appreciate all rambling especially that type 
in terms of my hotel when i found out i was going again I started to stress out but the I remembered that this time I have GYE and my mashgiach 
the hotel I going to the people there don't dress tznuisly at all and I remember last year all 10 day where torture
aside from just the seeing issue on the first day last year I met some kids my age and sat down to play cards with them and a few minutes later a group of girls sat down I should have gotten up right then but didn't and from that day on whenever I saw that group they invited me to come hang out with them and majority of the time I caved in and went to go join them aside from the whole crowd there was one girl that throughout the days I became close to and we started to hang out just us without the rest of the group and by the end pesach i was excited to hang out with her and see how she would look and I usually ended the day locked in the bathroom coming out disgusted with myself promising myself that I wouldn't hang out with that group and especially that girl or masturbate but inevitably the first two did and usually the third one 
there is no one else really to hang out with as my entire hotel is very modern and not against boys-girls hanging out at all 
thoughts? Ideas how to avoids this ?

Volunteer to work as a waiter / desert tourist guide

I'm afraid I don't have any specific ideas bec I haven't really been in the same situation. I'm not new to the atmosphere but I've never been stuck like this. I guess try and find some other people to hang out with. Maybe take up some extra jobs or something like that. 
 

Do you have friends back home that you can keep in touch with and share your dilemma about girls in the hotel.  Even if you don't share the masturbating part, if they are like-minded they will probably understand your hesitance to get too "close" to girls at the hotel.  Then again, if they are not like-minded..

You might have to that anti-social guy who goes on long walks by himself. Hang out with your family and bring books.


Hotels are very hard. I can relate.

Thanks for all that given me a lot to think about 
I'm leaving to the airport at 5:30am for the first leg of my journey to Montreal and then from there to Vegas 
mill update hopefully once I reach there 

Shlomo24 wrote:

I can not think of a better way, you have a great day. Today I am sending the rest of the $90 dollars in, the journing is longer than 90 days. Thanks for continuing on, it is an inspiration.

Safe trip Aryeh.  Keep us posted and have a great Yomtov