Just a bit more thinking out loud here:

I'm happy about the progress I seem to making so far. I seem to be able to fight off the 'urges' more effectively than I've had in the past, and seem to have a clearer view on how to cope with this longer term (of course, still working on this day by day).

However, I'm worried that maybe my 'success' is based (partly) on outside factors. I've been more focused on my work recently, so I've had less time to even think about acting out (granted, in the past I would always manage to act out regardless of how busy or free my schedule was), and even with my schedule lightening up a bit more recently, I still haven't gone through a real 'vacation' time yet in this current bout of sobriety (i.e. Sukkos).

Another thing that's different in my life is that I'm currently in a 'serious relationship'. First of all, I want to clarify that I DO NOT believe that marriage is a 'magical cure', and I'll never lust again, etc. (perhaps I deluded myself a bit early on in my problem, but I realized pretty quickly, even before joining GYE, that it's simply not true). This started a bit into this current streak, and I'm not sure whether this is affecting my keeping sober. I know that shidduchim as whole during recovery is a tricky subject, but at this point I'm already in it and this suggestion cam from a friend of both sides.

However, I'm not stupid enough to put myself in a situation where it's going to be more difficult to remain sober ("I'm able to keep away from watching stuff when I'm away from my computer. Let's see if I can do that after typing the link in the browser and holding my finger over the load button for 5 minutes too"). It's just something that's been nagging at me for a while.

Well, that's the end of my thinking for now. If anyone happens to overhear my thoughts and has some comments about them, feel free to let me know

What if your success is based partly on outside factors?
Aren't they just part of the Divine assistance you're asking Him for?

Thanks for your comment - I got kind of carried away with the "dung" part

But the picture of me riveted to a computer screen, letting lust take over my life for 3 hours, is an ugly scene.

The pictures seem the most beautiful thing in the world - I clicked hundreds of times until I found just the right looking image (but I thought to myself: if I knew that the person on the screen was a Neo-Nazi or stam obnoxious would I be so taken with her aesthetic beauty?)

The main point was - why was I wasting so much time on this activity when there are so many truly beautiful things to be involved with?

[Rabbi Akiva saw Turnus Rufus's wife's beauty and spat, cried, and laughed.
Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel saw a beautiful idolatrous woman on Har Habayis and said Mah Rabu Maasecha Hashem!]

rav avigdor miller has said, "why look at a woman, look at a tree!" (i just felt like this was somewhat relevant)

Shlomo24 wrote:


As the tanna said when he held the bride....she is but wood to me.

Broke 50 days! And 3 pages on this thread!!!

And that's all I've got for now. Have a great day everybody! KOT!!!

mazel tov! how did you do it?

Dear m58whatever
WOW!!! really inspired!!!!
just went through the whole forum from the beginning. I wonder if i could do the same i went through a really good period for 28 clean days but then i fell twice. sometimes i feel that i will always be in this cycle of falling and trying again is there really a way out?... right now i am holding by 3 days i am trying some new methods (like the innate health thing) and i hope and daven that somehow i will strong enough not to give in to the urges when they inevitably hit me. sigh

Same here, i wonder how u do it.

Abe, i feel with you, i feel like acting out now. I hear people fall after 15 years, so we are actually safer than those with 10 years, cos we know who we are. Maybe start your own thread, hey, i boosted your karma

Shlomo, Abe, and Yehoshua - I do plan on trying to respond to you guys (when I have the chance to give a real answer).

However, I'm here to report something else. For the first time this streak, I unfortunately stumbled upon a nude photo. This was truly a mistake, I was reading a news article and clicked one of the links (and while I have in the past purposely followed articles I found 'interesting', this was actually a legitimate article (about a recent terror attack) that I honestly did not think would have anything inappropriate in it), and there was an inappropriate picture on the top of the page. I immediately scrolled down and closed the window. While I really don't believe this counts as breaking my streak, I'll be Machnia my Da'as to the Olam if this does count.

In some ways though, this was a bit of an inspiring moment. While I regret having seen it, and wish I hadn't, when I did see it, I was filled with a sense of dread and 'repulsion' and tried to immediately close it. It almost reminded me of the feelings I had when I first started looking for these images (not the feelings of wanting to find it, the feelings in me that were saying "RUN!!!"). While I don't want to give myself a sense of false confidence (because I know I can't trust myself), it's encouraging to think that in some ways, I've regressed to one of the earlier levels of my 'addiction'.

Thanks again to everyone who's here. Just by being here, you can't imagine how much of an inspiration and Chizuk you all are to me.

M58 wrote:

I beg to differ

yehoshua wrote:

I beg to differ

markz wrote:


Markz what do you differ with? that people after 10 years stumble or that that we are safer then them?
frilchein chanuka

markz wrote:
If you held your steering wheel strong, and didn't look for 3 seconds, you are doing Great!!!

markz wrote:

we are actually safer than those with 10 years, cos we know who we are
No. We all know who we are, the difference is - successful people that made it to 15 years know not only who they are, but what tools actually work for them One Day At A Time for 15 years

Just stopping by to say still clean, thank God. Too busy to write much more, though. When I get a chance, I'll try to write something more substantive.

m58 keep it up i am relying on you for for chizuk!
Hashem should give you strength and wisdom to help you get to 90 days and then beyond that till 120!!!