I'M GOING TO MAKE IT!!!!! YARRRGH!!!!!!!

Sorry about that, really needed to vent my frustration about this struggle . It was a tough week, I fell 3 times recently (the last one was particularly discouraging given the circumstances), and this coming after a particularly good streak through Yom Kippur.

But as they say, that's in the past. I wish it wasn't (boy, how I wish it wasn't), but it's there, and nothing I can do can change that. However, I'm pushing forward and starting anew, going strong with the program with a renewed and enthusiastic determination. In the decade or so that I've been fighting this, this is the most determined I've ever been, so it's now or... (don't want to say never, so I'll just leave it at "it's now").

So here's the plan: (Side note: Just wrote that line, and stared blankly at the screen for several minutes trying to figure out if I actually had a plan. Still not sure if I do, but here goes) Starting today, I'm reading through the GYE Handbook. Hope to be done with it by the end of Isru Chag, and implementing the necessary tools from it. I'll also be posting in this thread almost daily (always wanted to be one of those guys who creates a 30-page long thread ), and keeping everyone updated. Also looking into getting a partner/sponsor.

So here goes: Starting off on Day 1.

P.S. Does anyone else agree with me that we need more varieties of "Topic Icon" smilies? I'm thinking more of a suave, determined look for the topic icon, maybe something like this or . Ok, now that that's out of the way, time to hit submit!

m58yiw84niym wrote:


Keep us posted please on new concepts and ideas that help you.

cordnoy wrote:


M58 what you wrote was brilliant!

I just don't understand why you needed to create a new string, and not continue your "New-to-the-forum-old-to-the-struggle" that has more posts and closer to your 30 page mark

markz wrote:


I like to think of myself as a savvy investor. I'm not going to put all me eggs in one basket, I'm trying to diversify my postings to give the highest chance of reaching the 30-page mark.

Well, Day 1 passed, and still going on. As greater and wiser men than I have stated "All beginnings are difficult" (I'll admit, it has a catchier ring to it in the original Hebrew, but that would require actually typing in Hebrew, so I'll stick to the translation).

Looking forward to Friday. All I need to do is go through 1 more day, then I've got a 'freebie'¹: Shabbos. Then the challenge starts up strong again on Motzai Shabbos, but hey, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

1 - Of course, I don't mean 'freebie' in the sense that I can 'cheat' on the program. It's just that (Baruch Hashem) it's much easier for me to control myself on Shabbos and Yom Tov.

So it's a tough day today. For some reason, after Yom Tov/Shabbos ends, I'm always tempted to slip up more than usual. Gonna keep myself busy with paperwork, then go to sleep, hopefuly that'll keep me out of trouble.

4 Days strong, just gotta make it 'till tomorrow, and with the second days of Yom Tov, I've got a full week down!

The day I get to 90 days wont be my main marker. At that point I'll say העבר אין.

What will be tomorrow? Who cares? העתיד עדיין.

My concern is for today which I suffer like you often on a loose end time eg motze sabbath.

But I give up. I surrender it all to Gd.

Therefore דאגה מנין.
Serious

m58yiw84niym wrote:

Sounds great.
Then what?

Bigmoish wrote:


I'm not completely sure what you're asking here (plus I like making cynical comments ) so here goes:

Then what? Well, Long Term plan is to never stumble again, live a meaningful and clean life, and keep this disease at bay once and for all.

Medium Term plan would be to reach the "big" milestone of recovery, the 90-day mark.

Short Term plan: keep going day-by-day, working through the GYE handbook, implementing the changes I need to, posting to the forum, etc.

And proud to say that I broke a week and I'm still on the chart! I like to think I'm smart enough to realize that that doesn't mean I should let me guard down, but I'm proud of my milestone nonetheless. Day 9, here we go!

m58yiw84niym wrote:
Me too

m58yiw84niym wrote:
That's a goal, not a plan.

m58yiw84niym wrote:
Also a nice goal; still not a plan. (wait for it...)

m58yiw84niym wrote:
Yep. Now that's a plan! Keep us updated how it's working for you.

Ok, so today was a tough day. I wouldn't say I 'acted out', but I came too close for comfort. I was reading a news story, and there was a link to another page, and I followed the trail of 'stories' even though I knew that I was just trying to look for 'triggering' materials... Thankfully, I got a hold of myself before it went too far, and I was able to close the window, before anything worse happened.

This is getting serious now, I need to get around to installing that K9 filter I've been meaning to get...

I'm almost too ashamed to write about this, but I need to put it out here. On last Sunday, the 11th, I stumbled and starting 'looking' at things I shouldn't have. I knew it was wrong, and even as I was watching, I was telling myself not to do it... Somehow, I managed to hold back from being MZ"L then. I know that wasn't enough, and I should have done a lot more (such as immediately come back here and shout for help), but I didn't. The next couple days as well I was watching quite a bit, but was able to hold off from complete MZ"L. Then on Wednesday, 10/14, I fell even further and did MZ"L once.

I guess I could at least thank God for the small victories, normally when I fall, I 'binge' with the excuse that "I'm restarting the count again anyways, might as well go a bit farther", but I held back at least from that. Since then, I've been clean (it's been 8 days, it took that long for me to get the courage to write this up...).

Reinvesting my efforts in the various programs once more. I finished reading the GYE handbook, and now working my way through the White Book. I got a 'connection' on the partner request, and sent an e-mail out to him today, hopefully this'll start working out and will help with the program.

And thus the fight continues...

Baruch Hashem you are here today. When i get stressed out or ashamed of the past (which happens quite often by me) I ask hashem to help me focus on today, realize that he loves me and is not ashamed of me so no reason to get ashamed of myself. many times i feel comforted.

Hatzlacha raba on ur continuing journey.

I don't have anything exciting to add here today (which I guess is a good thing). Just stopping by to say hello.

I think though, that I've figured out the the best plan to avoid 'acting out'. Be so busy that you barely have a second to breathe throughout the day. I'm beyond crazy tired, and it's only getting more hectic. I can't wait for Shabbos so I can breathe and relax (and it's only Sunday!!!).

As an aside, I need to get around to getting a new partner. In the next couple of days, when I can find a minute somewhere in my schedule, I'll complete my Google Voice hookup to my phone and find a new buddy. The guy I'm currently partnered with hasn't responded to my email yet, although in his defense, it did take close to a week from when we connected until I emailed him...

Woohoo! Made it to two weeks!

The only advice I can give from this experience is to keep yourself extremely busy with important stuff, to the point where you wouldn't be able to act out even if you wanted to. For example, in order to write this post, I'm stealing away time from several other important tasks that I'm already behind on...

So just stopping by to say I'm still here, now heading out to get stuff done. See you guys later!