I got this from a Whatsapp chat. I figured Mark would like it.

Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down   
 Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.) 
 We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side 
  Now here are the rules from the male side.  

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
  1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.
  1. Ask for what you want. 
 Let us be clear on this one: 
 Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
  1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one. 
  1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done. 
 Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
  1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.  
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports. 
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
  But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh..... 
Pass this to as many women as you can -  
To give them a bigger laugh.

Did Siri like it?

My wife does not appreciate such types of sirious jokes

Markz wrote on 09 Dec 2016 02:30:

I asked Siri

You spoke English goodly, Mark. 

On my sponsor's contact I gave him the nickname "My Sponsor." So now I ask Siri to call "My Sponsor" and he calls him. (Siri is an Australian male on my phone).

Also if you do "Ok Google" you can say "3rd Step Prayer" and I'm pretty sure she reads it for you.

AND WHO SAID IPHONES ARE טמא!!!

Shlomo24 wrote on 09 Dec 2016 04:55:


At least one rabbi holds that one cannot call smartphones חפצא דאיסורא

 guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/KarlinTechnology.mp3

(speech is in yiddish....)

Shlomo24 wrote on 09 Dec 2016 03:31:


Don't worry Shlomo, we still love you.

stillgoing wrote on 11 Dec 2016 15:32:

Ok, *sniffle*, thank you.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!

Good analogy to group therapy.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

When young, I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

For all the Trump fans...

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".
Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying awake looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"I see thousands of stars," replied Watson.

Then Holmes asked, "And what does that mean to you?"

"Well," said Watson "I suppose it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!"