withgdshelp wrote:

markz wrote:


Couldn't stop laughing on this one!!

markz wrote:

Hilarious! You made my night!

Subject: Prison Vs Work

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it!

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors by yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK: They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK: You get fired if you get caught.

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel
for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years,
Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the
College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of
golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives
to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the
Catholic and Jewish faiths. The Pope met with his College of
Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable
to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world."

The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club
in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he
added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who
is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask
him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative. In addition to
showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the
Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news,
Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was
the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired
from above.
My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful,
and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Disclaimer: I am not sure if all of these are true... Things you didn't know you didn't know: ====================================== Part 1
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

Thanx for the enlightenment.

Alot of those will make great speech starters.

Unless i think like a goldfish which in that case. ......?

Pinocchio count.
Lets see if this holds up. Markz wrote:
First I thought that you wrote that rubber bands last longer then refrigerators, and I though "that ones true for sure!"


So, the suicide bomber could die before the bomb goes off if he is allergic to peanuts...


That only works if you count changing a one doller bill for a one dollor coin. Otherwise it's only 292. I wrote up the ways to make chance for some other amounts too.
1¢ - 0
5¢ - 1
10¢ - 3
25¢ - 12
50¢ - 49
$1 - 292
$2 - 2,728
$5 - 111,022
$10 - 3,237,134
$20 - 155,848,897
$50 - 58,853,234,018
$100 - 9,823,546,661,905

I did allow $2 bills. I did not distinguish between $1 coins and $1 bills in change. I thought about that one and decided that if I did distinguish, then I should also distinguish among the 50 different quarters now being issued. And I really didn't want to do that.


That's only true with Dvorak keyboards. Most people that I know use the QWERTY keyboard (you know, a s d f j k l So that would not be true,


Sharks don't blink. They have upper and lower eyelids, but these lids don't move and don't close over the eye. When they are attacking theire next lunch, some sharks protect their eyes with a third eyelid called the nictitating membrane (it's a thin, tough membrane, or inner eyelid thats in the eyes of many sharks. It can be pulled across the eye to protect if it from damage).
Not doing too well here on the Pinocchio count..


Well, when I was in yeshiva they served chicken every day, and every person got more then one piece, that means that at least before lunch started, there were indeed more chicken then people (assuming that a yeshiva is a accurate reflection of the whole world)


Actually About 85% of the world's eggplant comes from five countries (China, India, Egypt, Turkey and Indonesia) with China growing more than half of the world's eggplant and India growing more than a quarter, but did you know that Colorado Potato Beetles, Lacebugs, Flea Beetles, Grasshoppers, Hornworms, and Potato Tuberworms also love eggplant as much as you (used to).


Well, it may be long, but so are schlepped, scratched, scrounged, scrunched, and stretched.


Actually the flag is the "red ensign", canada's old flag before the 1960s. It is red with the canadian coat of arms on it, with a Union Jack in the top left corner. If you can still find one, check it out. The $2 bill was discontinued a few years ago and replaced with a coin.

it's not true, but in the interests of keeping this forum clean, I'll leave out the details. You gotta trust me on this one.

So whats the Pinocchio count so far?
More to come iy"H

Ahhh, shoot, there goes my speech

no one listens to speeches anyway. and besides if they are not true then you just got everybody's attention, because they'll be waiting to catch the next mistake. like when the baal korah in shul messes up. Suddenly everybody is looking into their chumash.

This is a little complicated "sporange" rhymes, it means a sac that contains spores (it has to do with plants) )
Silver = chilver, an old dialect word for a ewe lamb (also known as a כבש)
purple = hirple, meaning “to limp” or “walk awkwardly.
Months = what about 'blunts', 'fronts', 'grunts', 'hunts',

'redreamt' 'undreamt' are all I could think of, so I guess that one could be correct


Uh, when the Lincoln Memorial was built there were only 48 states, and only 26 of them are engraved on the front of the momoral, since the bill only shows the front, there are only 26 on it. Go count


There is no such thing as the peach family. Almonds and peaches are both members of the rose family. They used to live up the block from me, and we went to the same shul, so I should know.


He was born in Blenheim Palace, a private residence that doesn't have public bathrooms ( or I should say toilets, sinces we are talking British) . According to what I remember from the news back then, his mother did go into labor during a dance there, and then left the dance to go to a bedroom to give birth. But she didn't give birth until the next day, with the local doctor present, long after all of the dance guests had left. The public statement was that Winston Churchill had been born a couple months prematurely, but I think that this was to hide the fact that he had been conceived two months before his parents got married.


Well, Maine is the only U.S. State whose name has only one syllable, but there is one U.S. territory that also has only one syllable, ...


Don't forget about 'annelidous' (if you don't know, it has to do with a worm...)


Ok, that's pretty much true. It was it's Original name, today it's full name is LA (or the Big Orange or La La Land ) btw, it means the Town of Our Lady the Queen of the Angels. Did you know that Markz?


Yup it's true. And a cat can rotate each ear independently 180 degrees! If only the twins from France could learn that trick...

Does anybody care for more... because if Yesod is using all of this for a speech... it's getting a little long

Well at least we know now what's causin' Mark all this stress....he got caught with his pants down.....figuratively.

SG.....Hell of a job!

Absolutely going to be using this for a speech. .....
Next time i want to give the shviger an earful

Hey Markz dont get discouraged, firstly you have a disclaimer.
Secondly we don't let the inconvenient truths get in the way of our entertainment. ..
So kop

PART 2
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!)

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. (Presbyterian)

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.