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The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :)

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TOPIC: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 345542 Views

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Jan 2016 02:01 #273910

Markz
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Email blunder
It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband PS.
Sure is hot down here.

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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Jan 2016 02:33 #273913

cordnoy
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Ahem....

Chazarah

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Jan 2016 02:51 #273916

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8228 Karma: 426	cordnoy wrote: Ahem.... Chazarah OMG! The next thing is going to be a farher on all 95 pages, that's raging, and I'm not the author Jerusalemsexaddict Cord, chill, I try not to dupe too much - if your woodford reserves are depleted, maybe a cuppa ice tea will do the tri/uck
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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Jan 2016 08:58 #273932

cordnoy
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markz wrote:

cordnoy wrote:

Ahem....

Chazarah

OMG! The next thing is going to be a farher on all 95 pages, that's raging, and I'm not the author Jerusalemsexaddict

Cord, chill, I try not to dupe too much - if your woodford reserves are depleted, maybe a cuppa ice tea will do the tri/uck

My comment was that you posted this same one before.
Obviously, you are regurgitatin' the old ones, but not your own, I thought.

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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Jan 2016 12:36 #273941

Markz
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cordnoy wrote:

markz wrote:

cordnoy wrote:

Ahem....

Chazarah

My comment was that you posted this same one before.
Obviously, you are regurgitatin' the old ones, but not your own, I thought.

In recent history I've only been listing my own. It's possible it may have been mentioned before (not in my name :-(), and actually that last sad joke I may have posted before - Sound like I'm getting old, a little insane?
Time to start the
Joke #"97, no 1435" on the park bench with my buddies, and that will get them rolling...

Rage AT Machine wrote:

kutan shel hachabura wrote on 18 Oct 2009 15:32:

There is a shaila in the poskim... if someone gets up from techiyas hamaysim, does he have to give his wife kidushin again...

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....

or as the saying goes:

Insanity is repeating the same stupid behavior over and over again and expecting a different result each time.

Some people find insanity funny (I don't)

Some think it's cool, like the author of 'men are from mars..." that remarried 3 or 4 times

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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Jan 2016 15:29 #273961

gevura shebyesod
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If a woman had two husbands who died, when the get up by Techiyas Hameisim who will she be married to?

!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

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"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant

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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Jan 2016 15:41 #273963

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8228 Karma: 426	Gevura Shebyesod wrote: If a woman had two husbands who died, when the get up by Techiyas Hameisim who will she be married to? Theres no marriages after techiyas hameisim, only nowadays. Gd will slaughter the YH... go ahead add a s before the word laughter, and give it to me
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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 11 Jan 2016 15:49 #273964

gevura shebyesod
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I wonder what Siri has to say....

Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 12 Jan 2016 02:16 #274033

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8228 Karma: 426	Gevura Shebyesod wrote: I wonder what Siri has to say.... I asked her...
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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 13 Jan 2016 00:20 #274116

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8228 Karma: 426	Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 13 Jan 2016 03:47 #274133

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8228 Karma: 426	I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 13 Jan 2016 03:57 #274134

Markz
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It would be interesting to consider the possible scenarios if an Orthodox Jew should ever make it to the White House......

1) State of The Union Address would end with an appeal

2) Air Force One grounded on Shabbos and Yom tovim, and seats reconfigured to allow space for minyan

3) Young Israel of Pennsylvania Avenue due to open across the street

4) Supreme Court justice's robes to be routinely checked for shatnez

5) mohel appointed Surgeon General

6) traditional Easter Egg Hunt on White House lawn replaced by bedikas chometz (or Kneidel Roll)

7) Israeli diplomats visiting White House for State dinners will have to pre order trefe meals, or risk having to eat glatt kosher with everyone else

8) First Lady's inaugural gown to be ordered with matching snood

9) National Prayer breakfast to conclude with ecumenical learning of Daf Yomi

10) Secret Service to confer with local Orthodox Rabbis to discuss feasibility of enclosing the White House and Capitol in a single eruv.

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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 14 Jan 2016 01:31 #274215

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8228 Karma: 426	Think about it Or rather - don't! When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't even smart enough to get out of jury duty
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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 14 Jan 2016 04:10 #274237

Markz
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Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

The good old days:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day

The good new days:
Give a man a pizza and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man a job and he will surf all day
OMG Admin - if my boss happens to be logged on here, is there a way to hide that last joke from him?

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Re: The Depressed Person's Chill Spot :) 16 Jan 2016 23:53 #274500

Markz
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the.guard wrote:

Here's a milsa debidichusah. Today I was discussing with some friends about how many Chassidim don't say Tachnun on a Yartzeit of a "Tzadik Mefursam", and many times Chassidim will find the Yartzeit of a "Tzadik Mefursam" on every single day of the year. So I thought that maybe that was the machlokes between Korach and Moshe in this week's parsha. Korach said "Kulam Kedoshim" - they are all holy, there's always a yartzeit of someone holy - so we never need to say Tachnun! But Moshe disagreed, as it says "Vayipol Moshe al Panav".

Efshar Letaken wrote:

(as a trying to be chosid) Outch!

But its a gevaldiger Vort! It hurts because its true!

But I will hold my head hight when I say that I try to enforce saying Tachnin wherever I go to the extent that I was almost thrown out of a Early morning minyan for protesting the not saying tachnin.

Rav Shmeil Haleivi Wozner Shelita Used to or still dose walkout from shul were he davens with the Bochrim when he had a bris elsewhere and he was sandik to show the Bochrim how important Tachnun is.

Here's a Funny One.
I was going to come out with a Sidur that in place were Tachnun was to Replace it with Yurtzeiten from Tzadikim!

1) Just didn't know how well it would sell.
2) I couldn't get any Rabbis to give there Divrei Bracha or Haskama on it.

It is also known that Frum Jews in general are afraid of three things.

1) Being Fleishig (Can't have a Coffee for 6 hrs.)
2) Making Hamotsi (Everything has to be Mesonos or we Nebich will have to Bentch)
3) Yup! Tachnun!

E.L.

Pintele Yid wrote:

guardureyes wrote on 18 Jun 2009 23:05:

Here's a Funny One.
I was going to come out with a Sidur that in place were Tachnun was to Replace it with Yurtzeiten from Tzadikim!

LOL. ;D That really got me laughing...

I once heard on a tape from Rav Zev Smith on Tachnun (he might have been quoting someone) that if the Aino Yehudim would experience the simcha that a yid experiences when he realizes that he doesn't have to say Tachnun on a Monday or Thursday, then they would all convert :D

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