cordnoy wrote:

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Guys I can't do this alone

I want this thread to overtake the other one with 125 pages called "I'm about to fall"

All hands aboard!!!!!!'

I guess I'll have to do this all alone with the help of the One Above

How To Tell Where A Driver Is From

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California
With gun in lap: L.A.

One hand on ........ ....... deleted ... ( I saved the moderator a job): NY

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California

Identifying Drivers From Different Areas (Part II)

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

Two hands on wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the right turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas, Country, Male

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas, City, Male

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates

Both hands tightly on the wheel, driving 15 where the speed limit is 30, constantly checking the mirrors, takes a half hour to parallel park with no cars in front or in back: A Woman

P.S. If one is driving on the highway and sees a vehicle in the left lane driving 5 MPH slower than the speed limit, then it not permitted to look at the driver, 'cause there is a 95% chance it's a woman.

Mesayin wrote:
You can look - it's probably your wife

markz wrote:


No! My wife is that thing that's in the passenger seat yellin' driving instructions.

(Well not really, I'm not married yet, but one day b'kuroiv)

Mesayin wrote:


Not if you keep callin' her "thing."

cordnoy wrote:

You prefer "her tzi?"

Does she wear red pajamas and have blue hair?

Any of you had issues with Microsoft programs?
Is your PC gonna crash when the clock strikes 12?
Time for Revenge
Bill Gates: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room: or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I Dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


At first I was gonna write that this is the second joke in a row (including big bad friendly Moish) that I didn't chap, but then I got it, and no, gevurah did not mean k.p.

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when
the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the
lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "L*rd,
forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police
officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson,
were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven,
the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked,
"Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"