Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Hello all, this is Shmuly.

Here is a late thanksgiving joke

Why did the turkey cross the road?









I am going to go to bed soon so have a guarded night.

Chag Chanukah Sameach.

Subject: ***NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT***

***NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT***

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise
known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric
circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so
easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and
portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the
fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM
disk.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered
sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using
both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your
brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be
taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature
allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as
you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact
location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark
can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the
future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in
popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].

Subject: English is a crazy language

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So
one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at
a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee
be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can
the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into
someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where
are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY
hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I
am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at
a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the
CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

10 Tips to my Senior Manager
================================================

How to Enhance our Relationship:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me.The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up."
"This Muslim just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for his bail. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far"
"So far....ten gallons."

An Engineer's Perspective
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Xmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II. Santa has about 31 hours of Xmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops...
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). IV.
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now

Facing the Firing Squad

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were due to face a firing squad.
The Englishman was first to be lined up against the wall.

As the soldiers raised their rifles and took aim he shouted "Avalanche!".
The soldiers instinctively turned around to look and by the time they
realised it was a hoax, the Englishman had made his escape.

The Scotsman prepared to meet his doom. Just as the soldiers raised
their rifles and took aim, he suddenly shouted "Flood!". Again,
they turned around to see what the problem was and by
the time they realised it was a hoax, the Scotsman had
escaped.

Finally, the Irishman had to face the music, but he was
greatly impressed by his cunning colleagues and was determined
to come up with a similar diversion.
So as the soldiers raised rifles and aimed, he shouted "Fire!"

I don't know where you get this stuff, but the santa thing had me laughing so hard, I almost split my gut!

Thanks!

Back in the 30's, all of the Jews in Prague were moved into ghetto. They were not happy about this at all, but what could they do? A few years later, the rulers of the country decided to close the ghetto and make all of the Jews move out. The Jews were very angry, but didn't know what to do, so they asked the wisest man in the town, the Rabbi. The Rabbi decided that to convince the rulers of Prague to let them stay, they would have to get the Pope's support. They set off for Rome the very next day, and when they arrived, they were immediately given an audience with the Pope.Since the Pope didn't speak Hebrew, or Yiddish, or even Czech, and the Rabbi didn't speak Latin or Italian, they had to speak in Sign Language.. This is how the conversation went.The Pope held up 1 finger. The Rabbi held up 3. The Pope held up 1 finger. The Rabbi held up 1. The Pope held up an orange, and the Rabbi held up a piece of Matzah.Afterwards, the Pope said to his Cardinals, "Boy that Rabbi is a smart man.. Let me tell you how our conversation went. I held up 1 finger, signifying we were both 1 people, and he held up 3 fingers, representing the trinity, showing that we were different. I held up 1 finger, showing that even though were we different, we still both prayed to one God, and he held up 1 finger, showing that Jews were the 1st to do so. I then held up an orange, showing that the world is round, and that there is room for all religions on it, and he held up a piece of Matzah showing that people once thought that the world was flat. What a smart guy that Rabbi is!" The Rabbi also had a few thoughts about the Pope. "Boy that Pope is one weird guy! I don't understand him at all. He held up 1 finger, saying that we had 1 day left in Prague. I held up 3, saying 3 days! He held 1 finger saying, "No! 1 day!". I held up 1 finger saying, 'OK, 1 day'. Then he took out his lunch, so I took out mine.. I don't understand him at all.".

A Jewish husband had just finished reading the book Man of the House. He
stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the
man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then,
after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The chevra kadisha"?

-------------------------------------------------

Five Jewish old men are playing poker one night, when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead on the floor.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Hirsh looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
...
They draw straws. Nordheim, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Nordheim schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers, asks what he wants.

Nordheim declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!”

With Gd by my side I pray for the redemption of many lost threads whence they shall be restored and resurrected rightfully to the magnanimous glorious 'just having fun' tapestry of creation

markz wrote:


Amen!