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Lessons Learned
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TOPIC: Lessons Learned 19209 Views

Re: Lessons Learned 03 Mar 2020 22:56 #347689

  • doingtshuva
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From time to time you can find an add in the Ami about kosher rehab. But what  Hashem Help Me is trying to say is, when will come the day that we people wont judge other people who are struggling,
Many people struggle in a dark fear, full with pain and in despair. They dont know to who to open up and to trust. 
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


Gye program + Handbook  -  Phone conferences  -  Taphsik method  -  90 day chart  -  Ebooks  -  Shiurim  -  Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski  -  Recent topics on the Forum

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Mar 2020 05:19 #347694

  • wilnevergiveup
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I Don't think that's the only issue. I was also thinking when I was introduced to GYE, why isn't everyone talking about this, we have a big problem, here is a potential solution, lets get going! But there is also the exposing people who were never exposed and I think that our gedolei yisroel (who know our problem for the most part) feel that we still need to keep those people sheltered. This obviously complicates things, as you would have to find a venue that serves only people already exposed, obvously a Melava Malka for sex addicts would be uncomfortable to attend (the stigma issue). 

From what it seems, at this point, Mechanchim an Rabonim do refer people to GYE. 

May everyone get the help that they need. 
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Re: Lessons Learned 04 Mar 2020 23:43 #347702

  • doingtshuva
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wilnevergiveup wrote on 04 Mar 2020 05:19:
I Don't think that's the only issue. I was also thinking when I was introduced to GYE, why isn't everyone talking about this, we have a big problem, here is a potential solution, lets get going! But there is also the exposing people who were never exposed and I think that our gedolei yisroel (who know our problem for the most part) feel that we still need to keep those people sheltered. This obviously complicates things, as you would have to find a venue that serves only people already exposed, obvously a Melava Malka for sex addicts would be uncomfortable to attend (the stigma issue). 

From what it seems, at this point, Mechanchim an Rabonim do refer people to GYE. 

May everyone get the help that they need. 

Mechanchim an Rabonim can refer people to GYE, but as long they are hiding their own issues and struggles from their own students, the topic will stay a secret.
We are in a generation that everyone is struggling, but no one is ready to get up and talk about it publicly. 
I would like to hear of michanchim who share with their students the way they overcome their struggles.
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


Gye program + Handbook  -  Phone conferences  -  Taphsik method  -  90 day chart  -  Ebooks  -  Shiurim  -  Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski  -  Recent topics on the Forum

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Mar 2020 01:18 #347703

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doingtshuva wrote on 04 Mar 2020 23:43:

wilnevergiveup wrote on 04 Mar 2020 05:19:
I Don't think that's the only issue. I was also thinking when I was introduced to GYE, why isn't everyone talking about this, we have a big problem, here is a potential solution, lets get going! But there is also the exposing people who were never exposed and I think that our gedolei yisroel (who know our problem for the most part) feel that we still need to keep those people sheltered. This obviously complicates things, as you would have to find a venue that serves only people already exposed, obvously a Melava Malka for sex addicts would be uncomfortable to attend (the stigma issue). 

From what it seems, at this point, Mechanchim an Rabonim do refer people to GYE. 

May everyone get the help that they need. 

Mechanchim an Rabonim can refer people to GYE, but as long they are hiding their own issues and struggles from their own students, the topic will stay a secret.
We are in a generation that everyone is struggling, but no one is ready to get up and talk about it publicly. 
I would like to hear of michanchim who share with their students the way they overcome their struggles.

Whether we like it or not, before we discuss how much others should share their personal lives, we need to look in the mirror, remove the corona face mask and ask ourselves - have I disclosed my struggles honestly and sufficiently to my Rav / Therapist / Chaver...

I can assure you that if all the gye members ourselves would stand up to the plate, it would likely help significantly remove the stigma

GYE had a convention in Israel, how many of us would be ready to stand up to the podium to share our story?
Its a tough issue

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Last Edit: 05 Mar 2020 01:38 by Markz.

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Mar 2020 12:51 #347718

  • Dave M
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Markz wrote on 05 Mar 2020 01:18:



Whether we like it or not, before we discuss how much others should share their personal lives, we need to look in the mirror, remove the corona face mask and ask ourselves - have I disclosed my struggles honestly and sufficiently to my Rav / Therapist / Chaver...

I can assure you that if all the gye members ourselves would stand up to the plate, it would likely help significantly remove the stigma

GYE had a convention in Israel, how many of us would be ready to stand up to the podium to share our story?
Its a tough issue

#GdSaveUsFromaVirus


Very valid point.  However, It's very difficult to be the Nachshon ben Aminadav.

​Part of what makes GYE so successful is the anonymous aspect of it.  People who struggles in these areas are very embarrassed to share their struggles.  This is not as much the case when it come to those who struggles with other forms of addictions (drugs, alcohol, etc.).  That's why the first step is removing the stigma.  The frum community has been successful is reducing the stigma in other areas.  If this is as widespread and rampant, then why is this not discussed more often and openly?  People continue to use the euphemism of "Technology safety".  Sometime, in order to get a message across, people need to hear the untainted truth. 
Last Edit: 05 Mar 2020 14:50 by Dave M.

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Mar 2020 23:26 #347733

  • doingtshuva
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Markz, your right, we should open up, but to people who understand addiction. Not to Rabbis who would look down on me after I took the courage to open up to them.
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


Gye program + Handbook  -  Phone conferences  -  Taphsik method  -  90 day chart  -  Ebooks  -  Shiurim  -  Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski  -  Recent topics on the Forum

Re: Lessons Learned 19 Mar 2020 17:16 #347953

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 04 Oct 2019 16:47:
Dave M, in response: In "real life" I am very careful with language. After all, our ability to speak is what elevates us from the animal kingdom. The mouth must be kept pristine. However on GYE I found that our hesitance in being open and blunt did not come from a holy place, rather from either fear of the "monster", or from denial. I suffered from both. The challenge became an anxiety producing, larger than life, monster. It would be impossible to stop or exercise any control. It was as if the eiver had a mind of its own. Sometimes I wanted to just cut it off. I was angry at it, and boy was I scared of it. I would have to hide erections!  It became a separate entity from me, and it was calling the shots. Secondly, denial - how could I, a frum guy, talk about masturbation? How could I share those erotic urges I had. No, they must be shoved into a dark closet somewhere where they don't exist - until of course I plotzed and acted out big time. It took me a long time to be able to even write, let alone say," I masturbated" or "I watched pornography/sex". The closest I would get would be to write/say "It happened".  Then I graduated to writing m**** or p**** . BH I realized that for my refuas hanefesh I had to write and say the words, knowing exactly what I was admitting to and knowing that it was not larger than life. My eiver is part of me and controlled by my brain. So Dave M, I agree. I wish I could get up in every shul and openly bluntly and beneficially talk about the challenges we all have and be living proof that b'ezras Hashem there is hope. We can stop doing aveiros and we can stop being so tzubrochen. But so far, without gedolei Yisroel instructing otherwise, we have to satisfy ourselves with speaking b'derech remez, convincing rebbeim (including chosson rebbeim) to allow people to comfortably bring up the subject, and privately, one by one help whoever we can. Truth to be told, even if a ho'ra'as sha'ah was made to have public discussions, most of us would hesitate being that open. Hey, we have kids to marry off iyh in the right time.....

Well, not everything is meant to be discussed publicly. It would be a great digression if we did start to be open in public on these matters. What we do need is understanding; the right guidance and support in the appropriate manner. True, our times warrant responses according to its challenges, but the answer is not going public, rather working on improving within the existing structure, or come up with new creative resources in a private format. Of course the podium seems to be the easiest logistically, lemaase it is not.
Last Edit: 19 Mar 2020 17:22 by sbj.

Re: Lessons Learned 19 May 2020 16:18 #350009

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doingtshuva wrote on 05 Mar 2020 23:26:
Markz, your right, we should open up, but to people who understand addiction. Not to Rabbis who would look down on me after I took the courage to open up to them.

It's interesting you say that. To some this isn't even an option, but to those that do, the least a Rebbe can say is that he doesn't understand, a true Rebbe know when to say "I don't know, you may have to ask someone else". 
in my experience though, I have had the zechus of speaking to Rabanim who know the struggle, understand and sympathies with it, and can have a real conversation with you even when you feel like trash. Also, it really depends on where you live, but I'm a lot of Jewish communities the psychologists are usually Jewish.... And sometimes even have Smicha. My psychologist had two switches, when I wanted to hear Hashem love me and some breslove Torah, he had that.... When I wanted to hear nothing about Judaism and for him to give me the cold hard facts... He had that as well. It was a huge bracha for me, and hopefully all of us at one point can have that opportunity. 
I think though it's also helpful just to know that such a person exists. 
"Sometimes the only Bechira we have is to ask for help"

Maybe you can gain something by following my journey... Or not, whatever works
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Re: Lessons Learned 07 Jul 2020 03:14 #352298

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1300 days. Truthfully there is no significance to the number. However from time to time we have to stop and express appreciation. Thank you Hashem! Thank you One_Day_At_A_Time for being my support, thank you to the whole chevra, some who have been silent for some time now, some recently joined, for keeping me going. Thank you GYE. 

One thing I will say - I pray that everyone reading this should get healed at least to the level I did and be able to decide what to write or not to write on day 1300......
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 28 Jul 2020 01:09 #353069

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I think we have to write a GYE kina for Corona. So many dear friends (mostly bochurim, but some marrieds too) crying and miserable. They had worked so hard, b'ezras Hashem reached major milestones, and had attained real menuchas hanefesh. They had set up practical gedarim​, filters, guidelines, accountability. They were doing great. They even had it all planned out for bain hazmanim - knowing their homes were a challenge (due to parents' naiveté and leaving around unfiltered devices - a painful subject in and of itself). Some guys joined live meetings which were beneficial in so many ways - actual help, camaraderie, and accountability. And then came Corona.... The loneliness, the lack of getting out, the anxiety and edginess, feelings of unproductivity, live meetings non-existent, and weeks of access to unfiltered Internet - including supposedly "safe" zoom for yeshiva and college (the yeshivas that stuck to the phone conferences exclusively should be blessed), was just too much a nisayon.  Even those chevra fortunate enough not to have easy access, reverting back to masturbation as the default stress reliever - instead of a good basketball game or other normal exercise - became extremely prevalent. A massive collective tragedy. Oy!!!!!

So do we end this post mired in depression? Absolutely not! Everyone here at GYE - after digesting the above - reach out and help. These guys want to hold on to our hands so let's stretch them out. Even if you only listen and validate their pain you will have helped them unload, and show them someone cares. It is reassuring to know one is not alone (and is not a rasha or loser) and that many other great guys are struggling badly. And may Hashem give everyone the syatta d'shmaya to also advise each individual properly. 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 28 Jul 2020 13:01 #353084

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Jul 2020 01:09:
I think we have to write a GYE kina for Corona. 

I think Grant400 is the person for the job.  Did you see his poem of chizuk he wrote for me on my thread?

Re: Lessons Learned 28 Jul 2020 16:29 #353092

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Jul 2020 01:09:
I think we have to write a GYE kina for Corona. So many dear friends (mostly bochurim, but some marrieds too) crying and miserable. They had worked so hard, b'ezras Hashem reached major milestones, and had attained real menuchas hanefesh. They had set up practical gedarim​, filters, guidelines, accountability. They were doing great. They even had it all planned out for bain hazmanim - knowing their homes were a challenge (due to parents' naiveté and leaving around unfiltered devices - a painful subject in and of itself). Some guys joined live meetings which were beneficial in so many ways - actual help, camaraderie, and accountability. And then came Corona.... The loneliness, the lack of getting out, the anxiety and edginess, feelings of unproductivity, live meetings non-existent, and weeks of access to unfiltered Internet - including supposedly "safe" zoom for yeshiva and college (the yeshivas that stuck to the phone conferences exclusively should be blessed), was just too much a nisayon.  Even those chevra fortunate enough not to have easy access, reverting back to masturbation as the default stress reliever - instead of a good basketball game or other normal exercise - became extremely prevalent. A massive collective tragedy. Oy!!!!!

and what about HHM being out of gye commission for a few weeks!
OY!!! MEH HAYA LANU...
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Re: Lessons Learned 13 Sep 2020 06:47 #354995

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BH progress! Just passed one of my biggest triggers from the past successfully. I just returned from Slichos. I daven in a shul that attracts a very large crowd for the first night of Slichos. It is a very intense matzav. Usually the tension that it causes triggers me immensely. I used to panic when Slichos arrived. This year BH there was barely a whisper. 

Chaverim, two points everyone should know:

1. As strange as it sounds, the Yomim Tovim can be triggers. Specifically for anxiety driven guys like me the intensity of these days/ lengt of davening, coupled with the lack of the usual daily structure and with the guilt feelings that these days often bring ("my teshuva, torah, tefillah, etc are not the way they should be"), i often have a harder time during this holy time of the year than usual. It is amazing how many times Motzai Yom Kippur was an intense acting out time. I just had to release all that stress.

2. With some retraining of thought processes, one can break out of this pattern. 

Hatzlocha and a Ksiva V'chasima tove to all
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 14 Sep 2020 02:11 #355027

Hashem Help Me wrote on 13 Sep 2020 06:47:
BH progress! Just passed one of my biggest triggers from the past successfully. I just returned from Slichos. I daven in a shul that attracts a very large crowd for the first night of Slichos. It is a very intense matzav. Usually the tension that it causes triggers me immensely. I used to panic when Slichos arrived. This year BH there was barely a whisper. 

Chaverim, two points everyone should know:

1. As strange as it sounds, the Yomim Tovim can be triggers. Specifically for anxiety driven guys like me the intensity of these days/ lengt of davening, coupled with the lack of the usual daily structure and with the guilt feelings that these days often bring ("my teshuva, torah, tefillah, etc are not the way they should be"), i often have a harder time during this holy time of the year than usual. It is amazing how many times Motzai Yom Kippur was an intense acting out time. I just had to release all that stress.

2. With some retraining of thought processes, one can break out of this pattern. 

Hatzlocha and a Ksiva V'chasima tove to all

Thank you for sharing. I can relate to this very much. What do you suggest is an appropriate mindset so as not to turn Yomim Tovim into triggers? 
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

"Think good and it will be good!"

Re: Lessons Learned 14 Sep 2020 02:46 #355029

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[quote="Ihavestrength" post=355027 date=1600049504 catid=20]
] wrote:

Thank you for sharing. I can relate to this very much. What do you suggest is an appropriate mindset so as not to turn Yomim Tovim into triggers? 

I will answer your question, but please accept what i write as simply the opinion of a nice simple guy, not anywhere resembling daas Torah:

First of all ACCEPT YOURSELF. If the matzav becomes intense and you feel anxiety building, don't panic. You are normal and are experiencing something many people struggle with. At appropriate times allow yourself a break. 
Secondly, if you are like me, learn to stop using cheshbon hanefesh to destroy yourself. If you are prone to any depressive tendencies and/or perfectionism, realize that it is not avodas Hashem to bet yourself up for every brocho you did not have kavana for, or for every minute you did not learn.
Thirdly, plan a beautiful yom tov. Some nice pleasant things to say by the seuda. Instead of focusing on your personal issues and kabalos, focus on coronating the King (which in truth is the true avoda of Rosh Hashana). Imagine how you can be marbeh kvod shomayim.  Yes there are tefillos like Unesaneh Tokef, but most tefillos are about the Melech, and even the Great Judgement is about meluchah.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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