Markz wrote on 08 Apr 2018 18:44:

read two posts above

Yerushalmi wrote on 09 Apr 2018 22:07:

good idea, as far as me and my wifes concerned, i feel so bad for my wife,boy is she in for a shock! (unless i do teshuva which will erase my past)

cordnoy wrote on 09 Apr 2018 23:04:

The conventional wisdom about disclosure is hat it is necessary for two reasons. One, that one of the biggest problems in this issue is dishonesty and what it does to YOU, and the only way to fix that is radical honesty.

Two, that it takes away from your relationship from your wife. After my wife found out, and boy indeed was it not pretty, we called Rabbi Twerski on the phone, and he said two words- radical honesty.

That having been said, most of the professionals I’ve spoken to, and rabbonim busy with this, day that the specifics should be left out. Sometimes, the specifics ARE too painful for them and they can never get the images out of their head.

That being said, maybe other people will tell you they didn’t disclose anything and it worked well for them. Like Cordnoy said, the overwhelming story here is that disclosure was positive in the long run.

I would also add that professional assistance is vital- why go through the pain without having someone help you and her deal with it?

cordnoy wrote on 09 Apr 2018 21:12:

is there anyway that i can see those statistics myself?

ieeyc wrote on 10 Apr 2018 17:01:

Yes. Firstly, read the comments on this thread. Secondly, read the comments on other similar threads. Thirdly, stick around for about five years. Lastly, build up a contact list of friends, fellows, sponsees and more where you can obtain relevant, accurate, real information. 

God speed!

I vaguely remember a concept from the sifsei chaims kuntriss on marriage ( i think )
that when a marriage is overall in a good place a big crisis wont be hard to get through, whereas if its not a crisis could easily derail it,
Is this something to consider ?
How would that go with what were saying about it ultimately being a positive ?

i-man wrote on 11 Apr 2018 03:35:

imho this topic is a bit bigger than 'big Crisis'

Yerushalmi wrote on 09 Apr 2018 22:56:

My wife told me if she knew I was doing that stuff she'd be absolutely devastated and destroyed.
I later came clean to her about my addiction and she was not devastated or destroyed.
It did bring us closer.
That's just my experience.

Markz wrote on 11 Apr 2018 04:05:

That was my next question...

Thank you all so much for your insight. I really appreciate hearing other people's experiences on this matter.
On the one hand, telling her would make it easier for me to work the program, (in fact I find it hard to really commit to the program knowing that I probably should tell my wife but I am unwilling to do so) and it would relieve me of this secret that I have been hiding from her and it might even get me to this higher state of marriage that some of you mentioned that seems so nice. I would love to just relieve myself of this pain that I am holding on to.

On the other hand, I know some women have bigger personalities and may be able to handle such news and get over it or learn to deal with it eventually, but my wife is a really sensitive person, a bit naive maybe, (she is really nice to) my confession would kill her, she would be so crushed, I can't imagine what this would do to her mentally, I don't think she would divorce me since she is very dependent on me, but, who knows? She would definitely need the support of her mom and her siblings and maybe even her close friends which would not make me look very good. Is it right to gamble with my wife's and children's future like that? Also, telling her and knowing that my secrets will probably get out there scares the s**t out of me. 
In other news, I am getting close to 30 days of sobriety. I was at the end of a long work day and I was thinking what I can do instead of acting out and I decided to buy my kids a puzzle, they were excited to start but than it was bedtime for them and it was too hard for them so I just finished the whole puzzle myself. It was a new way for me to entertain myself without acting out or binge watching a tv show. 

So, here is why I really posted. I know my wife and I know that telling her would be a terrible idea so therefore I am not planning on telling her.
I am looking for support from other people in recovery who have not told their spouses but have been successful in recovery. I feel like I might be a lost case if I don't tell my wife, so it would be helpful for me to know that there is hope for me. 

Thank you. 

Your decision to purchase the puzzle and then to actually complete it yourself was a very healthy one. You are training yourself to actively search for stress relievers that are kosher, healthy, and stimulating, in place of the pornography/masturbation escape. Secondly, your  intent was to bring you closer to your family - as opposed to escaping from life in general and from them by acting out in private somewhere. This is real recovery based thinking.

Regarding your question. There are many people in recovery who have chosen for various reasons not to share with their wives. Personally i did, but almost all of the married people that i speak and correspond with have not. Many of them made this decision not to tell after consulting with a therapist, rav, or GYE expert. A very close friend here on GYE who originally was in really bad shape and now is BH clean way over 1,000 days, due to his understanding of his wife chose not to share his struggle with her. Of course that means he has to limit his speaking with fellow GYEers to work hours and of course misses out on celebrating the various milestones of success with his life partner. However he is definitely not "a lost case" to quote your concern - not in the slightest - He has helped countless chevra here (including me). So yes, to quote you again, there is "hope for you". Lots of hope. May Hashem grant you much success on your journey to being clean with peace of mind and help you have true shalom bayis and brocho.

Thank you. This is really what I needed to hear. If anybody reading this has in been in a similar situation and has been successful in recovery, I would love to hear from you and get some tips on how you worked the steps and made a path to recovery. 

On to day 29...

I do not plan on telling my wife. This come from the belief that her neshama already knows and sends the message her. You'll see a vast difference, in my opinion, in he overall atmosphere of the house and family,especuially your wife. So by not telling her and using the program you are in fact sending her neshama a very strong message. Don't forget your neshama and that of your wife's are connected. I hope this make sense .  Its hard to explain without speaking about it one on one.

eli613 wrote on 20 Apr 2018 15:03:

My breaking free came from being in touch with successful individuals from GYE.