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GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK
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TOPIC: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 5815 Views

GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 03:46 #321555

HI EVERYONE,
I GOT ENGAGED AROUND A MONTH AGO, AND I AM CURRENTLY ON A 57 DAY STREAK OF SOBRIETY!!! DOUBLE YAY!!! THIS IS AROUND MY HIGH WATERMARK. I NEVER REALY CHARTED PAST 50 DAYS. I CONSIDER MYSELF VERY SERIOUS ABOUT YIDDISHKEIT AND HAVE A PRETTY STRONG CONNECTION TO HASHEM. 

I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH VIEWING PORN, OR DIRTY PICS ON SOCIAL MEDIA ETC. AND MASTURBATING TO THAT, FOR NEARLY TEN YRS.
THE FREQUENCY BEING APPROX 1 EVERY TWO WEEKS. (IN THE BAD TIMES AROUND 2-3 TIMES A DAY!) I THINK THIS IS FAIRLY GOOD COMPARED TO MOST STRUGGLING SINGLE GUYS. I'M HOPING THAT I AM NOT ADDICTED, JUST A YOUNG MAN WITH 'NEEDS' AND NO MOTIVATION (UNTIL NOW) TO STOP. 
UNTIL 2 MONTHS AGO I NEVER REALLY HAD A SHOT AT STOPPING FOR GOOD, AND THEN I FOUND GYE!!!!
SO FAR SO GOOD. 

I MUST ADMIT THOUGH, THAT I HAVE VIEWED SOME INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL, BUT VERY EARLY IN THE PROCESS (2-3 MIN IN) I STOPPED MYSELF, BH. (DOES THAT COUNT AS A FALL? NO MASTURBATION JUST ERECTION)

MY KALLAH HAS SPECTACULAR MIDDOS, AND IS GOOD LOOKING TOO. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE HER. B"H I AM BLESSED.
BUT, I AM ABSOLUTELY FREAKING OUT! I AM WORRIED SICK THAT THIS ADDICTION WILL COME BACK AFTER I'M MARRIED. (NIDDAH OR PREGNANT WIFE OR JUST THE MONSTER INSIDE WAKING UP)
DOES ANYTHING CHANGE, IS IT HARDER OR EASIER? 

I'M NOT SURE IF I'M LOOKING FOR CHIZUK, TESTIMONIALS FROM OTHER PPL WHO WENT THROUGH THIS, TIPS & SUGGESTIONS.... PROBABLY ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 04:21 #321556

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Mazel Tov!

May you build a bayit ne'eman beyisrael!

Make sure to keep posting on 1 thread.

Whats with the all caps - sounds like something urgent - or you simply need a new keyboard?

as far as I recall viewing inappropriate material is considered a 'fall'. 
Have you spoken with anyone about this struggle yet?
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Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 04:27 #321557

The caps was just for fun!
I have 'spoken' to ppl via chat and other anonymous forms of communication

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 04:39 #321558

Mazal Tov 
May you be zocha to build a bais na'aman b'yisroel

My personal experience is that in a way it got harder and for sure not better 
my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 05:00 #321559

i don't consider what i'm going through as THAT serious. i have really good relationships with lots of friends and family.
i do not impulsively lust. 
I honestly don't think i'm addicted. Am I in denial? Perhaps. That's what you guys are here for!

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 05:15 #321560

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starvingthemonster wrote on 25 Oct 2017 05:00:
i don't consider what i'm going through as THAT serious. i have really good relationships with lots of friends and family.
i do not impulsively lust. 
I honestly don't think i'm addicted. Am I in denial? Perhaps. That's what you guys are here for!

Welcome and Mazel tov

WeWe have no idea if we ourselves are in denial; no way we can know about you.

B'hatzlachah on your journey.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
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Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

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Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 06:28 #321561

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i personally do not believe it gets any easier....

I have been struggling for more than 10 yrs, (was single, then married, and had children in that timespan)
lets be honest, even after marriage, and u have 'pas b'salo' there is always the 2 weeks off and pregnancy, wife not in the mood, etc...

I signed up for gye about 2 yrs ago. didnt do much until about 2 weeks ago. and id recommend just staying close to gye. post constantly. become part of the community. and.

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 11:21 #321566

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Welcome and mazel tov. You have made a wise decision joining GYE. Keep posting and utilizing the other help offered on the site. Find out who is a good down to earth chosson teacher endorsed by your rebbeim. Most are trained in guidance in this area. (I wish that would have been true when i was engaged) It is very difficult to determine from your few sentences if you are an addict or not. If you wrote the whole trith it appears you are not. Either way, you want to iyh break free and approach marriage iyh as a healthy calm and ehrliche individual. Besides the chosson rebbi, you can speak anonymously with some people here. Hatzlocha.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

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Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 18:23 #321584

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I can't speak for anyone else, but for me marriage didn't make it any easier to stop. 

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 20:30 #321602

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Mazel tov on the engagement and for your marriage. May you be zoche to build a Bayes nemmon beyisroel and always have peace and happiness joy, and whatever one needs in your marriage.

Does marriage help for this challenge? 
1. I dont know.
2. I do know!!! 
how do i know? well I only only what was going on with me and what i have struggled. For me (that I am an addict as per today) my challenge started in marriage. I always thought it is because she is not giving me enough sex and enough quality sex. So I was trying to work on my bedroom life. However my challenge was slowly progressing. 

I dont know if you are an addict or not. Even if your not an addict (lets hope so) I dont know if the challenge will get easier. perhaps there is needed a mindset that sex is indeed optional regardless if yoiu are an addict or not.

Dov once told me a quote: working on the bedroom life for an addcit, is like putting out a fire with gas. (Take it or leave it).
starvingthemonster wrote on 25 Oct 2017 05:00:
i don't consider what i'm going through as THAT serious. i have really good relationships with lots of friends and family.
i do not impulsively lust. 
I honestly don't think i'm addicted. Am I in denial? Perhaps. That's what you guys are here for!

I love this question am I denial? 
It is a catch 22!!! If I say I am not an addict then I am in denial. as they say addiction is a disease of denial. SO as cordenoy wrote the only person that can really answer these questions is you yourself.

wishing you again mazel tov and hatzlacha on your journey
I currently attend live SA meetings. Feel free to reach out to me.

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 25 Oct 2017 20:52 #321603

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hi,

Just went over a few your earlier posts and this one came across:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/319557-mid-20s-struggling
starvingthemonster wrote on 30 Aug 2017 21:38:
I am serious about my learning and davening, avoidas hashem in general. I have chavrusas, I work, as well as take some classes in accounting. i usually go a few weeks without relapsing, but when I do it usually takes a few hrs to get back to being myself. This addiction makes me feel very ashamed of myself for sinning and although I know I don't have the tools (up until now hopefully) i still feel inadequate or just embarrassed.  

Sounds like you have been convinced a few weeks ago about this.

Just bringing it to the light.

Hatzlacha
I currently attend live SA meetings. Feel free to reach out to me.

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 26 Oct 2017 20:37 #321635

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Mazel Tov for your engagement, and may you go under the Chuppah Beshaa Tova Umitzlachas. 
I am so glad to hear that Hashem gave you a Kallah Noeh vachasido, external and internal.
and now with the future that is before you, the truth is that i dont know how your life will turn itself into. some people say that when they got married, they were able to stay and be clean. well others like myself, marriage just brought out the problem more. the dissatisfaction and the expectations, and being that selfish and self seeking guy, deteriorated and progressed this disease. and part of the problem, was that i was married, and i had whom to blame. I am glad that my mind is clear today, and i have an understanding about this issue, and that there is a group that supports each other. 
being connected is very important, and that would be my advice, be connected to this group, even if you have a wife.


  
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Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 27 Oct 2017 07:13 #321650

Sounds like you have been convinced a few weeks ago about this.

Just bringing it to the light.

HatzlachaThis addiction makes me feel very ashamed of myself for sinning and although I know I don't have the tools (up until now hopefully) i still feel inadequate or just embarrassed. 

      True, when I first joined GYE i was convinced i was an addict... but then I realized there are levels of addiction. Many members of GYE have a hard time staying clean for even a day or two, let alone 2-3 weeks. Major self-confidence, self esteem, relationship, depression, and self-control issues are just a few of the things most members suffer from.

     While this is disturbing and sad to hear, it is also a tremendous chizuk for me to see ppl with a much more difficult path and still fighting! It gives me added strength. To thank Hashem for all that he does for us. and daven that he saves us (me, klal yisroel & GYE) from future nesyoinos, both from encountering them and from falling into them. B"H i am blessed with a healthy self-image, and really great relationships with lots family and friends i have a very active lifestyle. Realizing this, I started to reevaluate whether I am an addict or just an occasional struggling single guy. The first step is admitting you have a problem, so i did that. Now I need to figure out how serious it is.
     
     ​Is it something deeper and underlying?
     Or just something that can be corrected with some adjustments?
   
     I feel like in the past (6-7 yrs ago) I was lacking in maturity, motivation, urgency, and clarity. That's why after a month or so of abstinence I'd have a fall, not really trying to fight it, or get away from the trigger, I'd just justify it (beforehand, cuz afterward the guilt hits you). As I matured, I gradually gained more clarity, and it was effective in keeping me abstinent for longer periods of time (around 2-3 months each time) without much of a struggle, i'd prepare myself and learn how to deal with the triggers when they come up. Instead of only trying to avoid them, I learnt to look away, focus on a detail in the background, or think of a mound of smelly manure, do exercise etc. 

      Lacking motivation and urgency led to a fall after which I'd feel terrible for a few hrs, but then i'd get back on a 2-3 month journey, and start the cycle again. I feel like right now I'm in a really good place and I'm really equipped to succeed, but getting married can complicate things.... New triggers I haven't anticipated or experienced and therefore can't prepare for. (Preparation mentally is a huge part of my success, don't know if u guys see that too). I think all married men have times when they feel horny or aroused by an asur wife or after intercourse that wasn't satisfying enough. Therefore (IMO) every Chusson should prepare for this, and know how to appropriately deal with it. But perhaps addicts react differently, and need different preparation. If I am one (I'd rather be safe than sorry, and prepare as if I am) then PLEASE give me you advice and let me know how best to accomplish this. 

      Most of you said this gets harder after you are married, assuming that's true, is that only for addicts? Do ordinary men have a harder time than single men? Probably. Just because the nisoyin is right before him. And he can't ignore it. But on the other hand a semi-healthy man who is motivated, clear-headed, and mature realizes that he has a reason not to act on his animalistic impulses and restrain himself for his own benefit. VS a single guy who only restrains himself because he knows it's wrong in the eyes of Hashem, the motivation is just not the same (I don't remember who said this but there is a famous story of a tzaddik who said halevai ppl should fear Hashem the way they fear other ppl (Am I right, that the motivation plays a large roll in the commitment to abstinence?)

        Also many of you mentioned that I stay active on GYE. How does one do that without their wife finding out? I don't want to take that risk. I also don't like the idea of starting the marriage with hiding something. (my former [imy"h cuz it's only in His hands] acting out doesn't count as that was in the past and sneaking off to stay on GYE forums while my wife is busy, is in the present)

Thank you all for the Brachos, and imy"h Mazel Simcha & lots of Bracha by all of us.

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 27 Oct 2017 12:12 #321655

Yes it can get harder for even non addicts like myself (I think though it seems others are trying to plant the possibility that I am somewhat a low level addict)

As far as staying active: This is a problem that many face at this stage and one needs to talk to a Rav/Professional/Dov as how to proceed as every case is different and needs to be discussed openly 

Hatzlacha
my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: GETTING MARRIED, YIKES!!!!!!! WORRIED SICK 27 Oct 2017 14:25 #321660

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Hi,

I love your last post in length. Seems like you have been doing lots of work on yourself, and have a descent self assessment. 

I dont have all the answers for you, as well as for myself. I support the fact that you dont want to keep secrets from your future wife. I can tell you that these lies have caused me so much pain. However there is a way that you can disclose that you have a minor challenge and that you are taking care of it. I wouldnt tell you how. but with proper guidance this can be done and you will be able to safely help yourself.

Wishing you lots of Hatzlacha and Mazal Tov towards your marriage.
I currently attend live SA meetings. Feel free to reach out to me.
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