This looks like it might shape up to be a very interesting thread. 

I lust after having an interesting thread. 

So where are you holding right now? I got confused! I got caught up in a lot of your share! Too much thinking for me. 

Day 2  MORNING:              Once upon a time a few years back I made for myself a list of ‘unhealthy behaviors’ that I am wont to do when LUST is unavailable (or when I am forcing myself to abstain from it). I was horrified at the time to discover that most of my habits are compulsive, and aimed at providing me with a means to ‘detach’ from my difficult reality. It shocked me to become aware of the COUNTLESS defense I have adopted over the years. FYI I am referring to seemingly harmless habits, only some of which have a negative influence on the quality of life, but all are aimed to “save me” and help me “run away” from reality!

                I am pleasantly comforted to discover how few of these exist for me today. Like anyone else who uses ‘shmutz’ as a form of “escape” and “detachment” (and not solely as a form of pleasure-albeit forbidden), the first days clean leave me in state of anxiety-unrest-agitation. And whereas in the past I would substitute the lust with any of the other available “escapes”, nowadays they are very limited, and I have to simply suffer the “unrest”. Obviously, I have been using this forum (obsessively) as the only available escape, and in an attempt to limit that (and regain control of my daily schedule), I am typing these posts on Microsoft word, and them copy-pasting them at the end of the day to my thread.

                For lack of a better wording:  “I’m פשוט going out of my mind!!!”      AHhHhHhHhH!!!

Yours truly,    an Old Timer

Day 2 EVENING:                                what a day? With the new motivation to reclaim my old quality of life (aka recovery), by sharing it her on the forum, I counted HOW MANY opportunities I had to ‘guard my eyes’. The more I counted, the more astounded I was at the sheer magnitude of עברות that I have been doing on a daily basis. I am someone who has sacrificed a lot in life to acquire the lofty level of not looking at ANY women, anywhere. And in the last half a year I have simply ‘opted’ to start looking at all the beauty around me and enjoying them.             Back to the point, 71 times today I didn’t do that! Wow! That means that on average I probably was “taking a peak” about 1000 times a week!        The higher the number gets, the happier I am to know I re-joined GYE, and can effectively re-establish my holy habits.

=============
In response to the last posts:  The divorce has no connection to lust-emotional detachment-anger-selfishness....    
                 Stepwork: There was a short period of time that my sponsor had me writing for half an hour a day (maximum) when i finished all 12 steps with him, I was also finished with the writing. putting things on paper allowed me an added awareness of my feeling-actions-thoughts, and gave the opportunity to analyze them and understand them.  Within a short time, I became farmilkiar with the same carachter flaws that stood at the root of my daily worries-fears-resentments, and I also learnt to RESOLVE them. The same solutions that resolved them, simply became my new "way of life". So that, even without putting my issues on paper, I was able to call a freind from SA and start telling him my "problem"...   halfway through the sentence my "inner honesty" would force me to 'correct' the statement I made by pointing out how ALSO i was at fault, and my behavior was also at the root of the problem.   ...without finishing the conversation my problem was solved.  And I would conclude the 5 minute call by thanking my (confused) listener for being a sounding board and helping me come to a solution in the fastest method.   [I was honest enough with them to openly thank them for saving me the "paperwork"]

Writing is a great thing, and i already elaborated why. But we need to come to a level of realization, that even before we finish "complaining" on the page, we honestly see our faults, and how אמונה ובטחון provides an alternate solution to all of life's difficulties.        honestly, no-one has enough time to do stepwork on paper for every single issue he encounters on a daily basis. Thus, through the paperwork we need to come to an awareness to the root שורש of our problems, and pay less atention to each specific scenario ענפים that is derived from those same roots.          My "program" is available whenever I need it. And if I would be overwhelmed by my emotions, than I have no issue to take a pen+paper and start writing them down even today

Old Timer wrote on 19 Jul 2017 17:43:

Hi and Welcome (back) Old Guy,

it must take courage to come back here at this state. May Hashem bless you with sobriety and recovery. 

It seems to me that you did alot of work in recovery and you have lots of knowledge. may you be able to translate this knowledge into actions, trudge the road to a happy destiny.
I quoted you what you wrote in an earlier post. For me this doesnt work. In order to make a step 2 and 3, I need a Higher Power that is unconditionally loving and tolerant. (BTW in Chovos Halvoves in Shaar habitochen, it says clearly that one who wants to have real Bitochen, needs to trust that Hashem will provide for him and take care of him regardless if he does aveiros. also in tzemach tzadek there is a similar thought.)


For me, i am comfortable today with hashem because I beleive that Hashem was with me while i was acting out. Iknow that he knew when i had enough pain. He knew when to tell me, Lomed, I think you had enough pain, and I will send you to GYE, where you will slowly recover from this mess.

Wishing you all the best

Hi OT

Great to have you with all us old timers

Can you elaborate on Emunah and Bitcoin why you feel it's the fix it all if you are still on day1.

I'm not a 12 Stepper but my superficial understanding tells me there's tremendous bonding with Gd thru the small white book
Can bitachon exist if there's no connection? No way

Sorry for writing short...
All the best

Karl

When I came to the 12 step program, I began to understand that there are certain fundamental parts that are missing from my religious practice. First of all, I need to stop ‘calling the shots’. My sponsor told me that he has no issue with my ambitions and motivation, so long as a promise him not to act-out as a result of the resulting frustration. Good luck….

Just so you will understand, I had such big dreams and ambitions (‘plans’), that in reality they weren’t going to happen in the near future. And since I was so far from my goals, I would detach from reality and daydream all day how it would be when my dreams come true. When the סדר was over, I would eat my heart out at another 4 hours that I didn’t learn, and come crashing down to grim reality. If I managed to abstain from acting out, it was purely ‘white knuckling’ it. In the emotional state I was in, how could anyone have the חוצפה to deny me of an ‘escape’?!  It’s inhumane!

In recovery, I got acquainted with a new quality of life. My ambitions had to stop, my energies need to be invested in what hashem wants from me. If he wants from me to work all day, fine I will try my best to support my family. If he wants from me to do everything around the house (because he made everyone else sick), fine I will try to be the best husband and father I can be. If he wants from me to change my occupation, fine I will try my best to learn the new field.      I surrendered my ‘agenda’, and life became easier. Not that anything much changed, but I simply stopped wasting all my energy trying to ‘fight the riptide’.             God’s plan for me has been ever changing, because honestly he doesn’t need it from me, he just needs me to try my hardest…     and then he moves me on to the next level. (Did anyone ever notice that each level in the old video games has its own unique tapestry and background music? Each level has its own villain/boss, each mission has its own unique objective….  Theמשל  is also the נמשל…

                This is my avodas Hashem, ever evolving, always advancing. Putting all my effort into doing what he wants from me at this point in time, and that will change at some point.

To reply to the previous posts:

The small white book:  As a rule of thumb, men don’t ask for directions, but we do need to know the destination. (Even ‘waze’ gives you multiple choices)

Day 1: No matter how strong you are, how sober, how clean. When GOD wants to make you fall he can do it. He has a reason for doing it.      But if you are asking me “what is my part in it”, I can say that I stopped all contact with GYE and SA for a period of 4-6 months prior to my first slip. When one’s metabolism is ‘slow’, he needs to constantly watch his food intake. In the same way, I needed to keep focused on my emotional stability. I did not, and when the tidal wave came, it was caught unprepared, and sought and ‘escape’ in lust. My recovery softened the blow both before, and after, I ‘fell’. As a rule, I will not share any identifying details on the forum, but if you keep following my posts in this thread, you will have an answer to your question.

[p]אמונה ובטחון: Is like a muscle. And if you want it to be strong you need to lift weights. ואני יסרתי חזקתי זרועותם... (הושע ז)  When you USE the ideas you learn in ספרים to SOLVE your problems, they empower you with a new level of faith. They stop being ‘ideas’ and start becoming your new ‘reality’. Every difficulty you will encounter from that day onwards, will only make your בטחון stronger. כי הרעה לעובדי השם היא שמחתם וטובתם [שו"ע או"ח ס' רכב] my difficulties and challenges, are the best thing that happened to me. They MAKE me who I am.                 If your life is all fine-and-dandy, I don’t think that my experience can be of any help to you, “no pain no gain”.  For me ספרי אמונה ובטחון used be ‘ideas’, but that was only until I adopted them as my ‘solution’.         [e.g. Imagine being incarcerated for a crime you never committed, which carries a 20 YEAR jail sentence. How will you perceive it?  What will you feel?  Will you be angry at the person who framed you?  Will you be able to tell Hashem ‘thank you’?   Will you willingly accept what Hashem wants from you?      עיין היטיב בספר החינוך מצוה רמא-רמב      …if you will spend the entire day repeating to yourself what it says there, you will succeed in burning into your mind, and instead of blaming anyone you will say to yourself הניחו לו ויקלל כי אמר לו ה' let him.           It’s a little bit of a play on words, but “Do you know who’s fault it is?  ה' אשם, קל רחום וחנון ארך אפיים ורב חסד ואמת נוצר חסר...                                     [/p]

                            If you stick around on this thread, you will gradually get a clearer picture.

I didn't see that Lashon you quoted from the Shulchan Aruch there or in the Mishna Berura. Where is it from?

From my early childhood I was spoon-fed ‘ideas’ about אמונה ובטחון, mere theories. Why do I say that, because even as a child I knew that those who teaching me don’t “practice what they preach”. The religion I was taught it yeshiva wasn’t fake, but it wasn’t real. When I first came to the program, I quickly understood exactly what they mean by a ‘living God’. As a dear friend of mine once said “If only ראשית חכמה was on the street, and our נסיונות where on the shelf in the beis medrash.” As the program slowly stripped me of my drug-of-choice, and gradually weaned me off a myriad of unhealthy-methods of coping with my emotional turmoil, I was left with NOTHING. In that state of powerlessness, I had nowhere to turn but God. But thankfully I was ‘well versed’ in religion, all I needed to do was LIVE BY THOSE PRINCIBLES.

For me, steps 2-3, began with only one thing – a gratitude list. My sponsor told me that this alone was enough for him, and since I wanted recovery like his I was committed to adopting it as my new solution/response to life. I started to ask him, “How can a gratitude list solve my issues? I don’t believe in think positive-be positive, I don’t believe in that nonsense.” He took the time necessary to fully elaborate his intentions and clearly explain to me everything I needed to know “Do it!” or in hebrew “תעשה את זה”. So I started doing it…

Angry at my parents for depriving me of a childhood, thank you dad for treating me like a scumbag, thank you God for all the years of open internet access, my gratitude list got interesting. Every time I wanted to complain about something, I would remember what they taught me when I was young “גם זו לטובה”  so I started writing all the bad things with the words ‘thank you’ instead of ‘hate you’. Within 2 weeks it dawned on me that no everything about my childhood was bad, and the difficulties shaped me. I began to come to terms with much of my 20+ years of suffering. My angers and resentments where dissipating in step 3, I was left with only a handful of issues that I could not find anything positive about them.

With time I came to more realizations, they will not benefit you to hear about them, you need to just “do it” and discover them in your own lives! But one realization made all the difference. Good and Bad are relative, subjective, subject to interpretation. If my goal in life is self-preservation or survival, than many of my issues truly pose a problem. And the resulting dilemma (when reality fell-short of my dreams) was the driving force behind the NEED to seek escape in lust.      At one point a few short years ago God did me the glorious favor, of robbing me of everything I had. I had nothing left… but God. Even learning torah or investing time in עבודת המדות was a luxury I was robbed of (no time), I was left with only one place to turn, and that was to be close to him. 

I am no צדיק, case in point GYE-SA-etc… , but the only goal left for me in life is to be close to him. Normal people need to work on themselves to ‘forgo’ on all the other goals they set for themselves, in lieu of the ‘correct’ goal. By putting me on “the path of self-destruction” (addiction), and by ‘ruining’ my whole childhood, God gave me the greatest gift. He gave me nowhere to turn but him. He gave me a solution to ANY situation and problem in the galaxy. Because anything good, and especially anything bad, can be used as a springboard to getting closer to Hashem. Every curveball he throws my way, brings me closer to my goal, being close to him.

For me, the אמונה ובטחון that I learnt to live by, are a direct result of my participation in the 12 step program. The solution the program offers is God, the solution is better and more effective than any other system of recovery existent. But it only works, so long as I am focused on only 1 thing, being close to Hashem.                           I did not learn this from books, I earned it through practice. Reading this post will not make any difference in anyone’s life, only by adopting the practices we see by others will we ever experience what true RECOVERY is.

Day 3 MORNING: Even the most basic daily rituals are starting to take-on new significance. Getting out of bed in the morning was for a long time simply a matter of guilt. The alarm clock would ring and I would lay in bed calculating how late I was running, and the ramifications of being so late. This didn’t give me any more sleep, and this didn’t make, my life any more pleasant. Only now I am beginning to identify that for the last half a year I was “hiding” from my feelings in bed, much as I was accustomed to do for the first 17 years of my life. My bed was for me the only safe-haven I knew, until age 14 when I ‘discovered’ the world of lust. My soft blanked completely covered me, I would only leave a small crack open to breath fresh air. When asleep, all my problems would ‘go away’, all me emotions would be ‘resolved’ (בת יענה). This behavioral pattern, when adapted to lust, was later translated to long ‘showers’ (30 minutes of mastur--- in the shower) that would ‘wash away my sorrows’. Those showers, much like my bed and blanket, would be of no benefit as soon as they finished.

                The last 3 days I have noticed a very different experience getting up in the morning. I no longer have that nagging inclination telling me to stay in bed and daydream about marital relations of the past or that I should have done in the past.   I wake-up with a purpose, to heal, to recover, and to share (on this thread). Your replies, and views, honestly fill me journey with the satisfaction of giving back to the world (can I get some karma points too??).

DAY 3 Afternoon: Pleasure=  I know that psychology is filled with their own variations of this concept. But due to my upbringing, I was always hesitant to adopt or believe in any of their varied opinions. More recently I learnt what our sources have to say on the issue. אין בטוב למעלה מעונג ואין ברע למטה מנגע. Man seeks pleasure, a pleasure that will fill his body-soul-mind-emotions. Lust just doesn’t do the job, it’s empty, leaves me full of regret and shame, wastes my mind, and takes a toll on my body (lost sleep, missed meals).      So long as I have free time on my hand (i.e. instead of working), I will continually be seeking to pleasure myself (that is NOT what I was referring to!), and that’s normal-natural-healthy. It just depends WHAT I am doing to get my pleasure. Am I helping people, caring for my family, giving to my community, or solely deepening the waking and vivid connection between me and God at that moment?  There are many examples of healthy pleasure, and each one has its own level of quality and fulfillment that come along with it.            In sobriety, being that I can’t pleasure myself (you know exactly what I mean), I need to quickly find a replacement. Just for today [I don’t expect myself to live like this long term], the sex drive itself is my source of spiritual satisfaction. Those very moments when I have the urge/impulse/opportunity to look around at “God’s beautiful creations”, I hold myself back, and FEEL THE STRONG CONNECTION TO GOD. It’s an amazing feeling, much like one feels at the last moments of נעילה on יום כיפור. It’s weird for me to be so spiritual, but I guess God misses me, so he took everyone else in my life away, so that I will turn to him.                               And if that is indeed correct, I’m ashamed to say that I have been replacing him with porn-masturbation….I am crying while I write these lines…

Day 4: I was mildly concerned how שבת would pass without being able to “burn” my free time on the computer. Thank you Hashem, it was totally un-eventful, and at this stage of my count is a pleasant thing, I was honestly expecting much worse.            I never fathomed the benefit of sharing my journey on the forum, it’s a shame I didn’t come here sooner. With every beautiful woman that passes on the street, I tell myself that I am part of GYE…  That is all it takes to give me the motivation to fully guard my eyes, simply being part of a greater community that values and treasures our moral purity.

Day 5: My cravings are growing with each day that passes. They are most prominent in the morning when I wake-up, and in the evening. I have an ever-growing inner agitation, my body is craving some form of pleasure, and sadly I have no way to give it anything בהיתר.

  What am I doing about it? First and foremost I spend some time on the computer every morning and night writing this daily log, it keeps me attached to a ‘greater good’, a supportive community. I translate the views on this thread, as a measure of the importance of my sobriety and my recovery. If you were to ask me why I need to be clean, I could spew out for you a 10 page thesis on the benefits of being clean, and the real damage-harm-suffering of acting out. But those are empty words. Over my many years in SA, and the countless ‘shares’, I bared witness to hundreds of fellow addicts who replaced their system of values with the values they learnt in the 12 steps. They never go the point that the ‘program’ was found a place in their old perception. The result was a “two-faced” sober being, who lives in two worlds, the world he lived in until SA (where lust was pleasure and ‘worth-it’) and the world of SA where lust is bad. Without CONSTANT participation, (daily phone calls, 2-3 groups a week, conventions, sponsorship, and just chilling’ with SA members) he will enviably revert to his “old self” where lust-porn-whores-rape where “enjoyable pleasures”. I have witnesses it happen time and time again.                        For me, I never changed my identity, I found the truths of the program to hold true within my old ethical and moral values. Religion is the reason why I pay extra for an internet filter when I am acting out, instead of saving money and enjoying all the free shmutz on earth. Religion is the reason why I ask from myself not to look at any of Hashem’s “beautiful creatures”. Religion is the reason why my own sobriety definition has no “no tolerance” policy for any ‘forbidden pleasures’. Religion is why I don’t want to act-out with the myriad of mild forms of lust. My quality of life, and the suffering entailed, is the reason why I never want to “stumble” of hard-core falls.

Step one is easy to do when some-one fell deep into the muck of sex-addiction. Not that I haven’t crossed those red-lines occasionally myself. But on a daily basis, I don’t struggle with anything of that nature. Thus also I am part of the quandary, “am I really powerless?” “is my life unmanageable?” “am I suffering at all?”          Step one for me identified a list of areas that I am powerless (if anyone would “start with me”, staying up all night lusting in various forms, living with open internet), in turn I added my religious-beliefs and religious-guilt to the equation. It works for me, I honestly believe why I shouldn’t be acting out in any way, and I have no confusion between me religion and my program. For my they work in harmony, for me they enhance each other, and for me even when I lost contact with SA and GYE for over half a year I continued to work my program and my stepwork and benefited from a high quality of life… without the constant affirmation of the 12 step groups.

What else works for me? Nothing that I “have” came easy, almost everything I write about on this thread came as a result of MUCH HARD WORK. At this point in time I am working on something which is new for me. As a quoted in an earlier post, Hashem made me as a being who seeks pleasure, and gave a variety of good-healthy-unhealthy-bad pleasurable options to choose between. So what I have been doing recently, is with every ‘craving’ I verbally repeat this idea to myself. This is how I worked many aspects of my 3rd step. With every ‘exposure’ to the problem, I respond with my new solution. My response will in-time become my perception, and as being my perception my feeling will also change accordingly. OK maybe I need to explain this a little more clear. 

 Psychology identified 4 factors in our own “reality”.  One we have the event, and we witness that event with our 4 senses. Each persons has their own dominant sense, and therefore 2 people will witness the same thing and take notice of different issues. The variations may be so drastic that it may be hard to believe that there saw the same event.

The next factor is our perception, did we see a police offices hitting a child, or a lethal arab rioter being dis-armed by a police officer who took pity on him and opted to endanger his own welfare in hand-to –hand combat, instead of just shooting the little murderer at point blank.

As a result of our perspective we will have feelings. In the example I gave we will either pity the arab youth, or glorify the officers self sacrifice (by endangering himself he truly saves lives all over the country, because we pay a heavy price for every casualty on their side).    Feelings are subjective, they depend on the perception we adopt.

The last factor is our response.  Now on one hand the most natural response reflects our perception-feeling, it’s sort of a chain reaction. On the other hand We can choose to respond otherwise. For example, our wife says something “not nice”, and our natural response would be “drop  dead you _%&#@_”, however we aren’t interested in paying the price… so every normal husband know to respond with the words “I’m sorry dear that you feel that way, I really would like to understand where you are coming from, are you available tomorrow night to go out with me to a restaurant”.

I use this framework to work my program.  Lust is the “reality”, my brain used to ignore most of the information gathered by my 4 senses (I would ignore the suffering involved in the ‘opportunity’ to act out). I perceived it as pleasure, would feel empty and exited, and I would respond by…. Guess…

In recovery: I change me perception.     Bad things-worried-anger, will be perceived with gratitude to hashem. גם זו לטובה, ואפילו עדיף ככה. If only I understood things properly, I would be begging from hashem to do it like this, but what do I know? That’s why it looks bad to me, but I trust hashem who knows everything the best, that this is “sooooo worth it!”                    Lust=Hashem you gave me the inborn desire to seek pleasure, and you gave me a lot of options bad and good. I want the best pleasure there is right now, and that is to use this moment to be close to you.

How do I make the change, by immediately verbalizing my new השקפה/outlook for the scenario. If I respond fast enough, I can preempt the old perception (lusting, yeh great, let’s go look at shmutz on the computer). At first it “sounds foreign”, then is “sounds familiar” then I start mentally voicing it even before I verbally say it. And the last stage the “new” perception works on auto-pilot.  Over years it will be “etched in stone”.

Personally I don't like religion
I am blessed to be a part of the fellowship of the tribe of Israel, the children of Abraham who God blessed with his Torah, but for me religion is something carved out by men that is not emes- rather fragments of emes. Only the Torah has all the emes. And I don't like to compare Torah to religion or yiddishkeit to religion. That belittles it.
Religion is man made - Torah is God made.
Semantics I know but for me it makes a difference.
Are you done with SA?
My 'religious' guilt and beliefs never stopped me acting out so I have to say I really don't identify with anything you are talking about but if it works for you then work it cos you are worth it! Or maybe it didn't work for you and that's why you are back 10 years later craving on day 5.
For me what works is working a full time program that has trust in God, clean house, and help others as its sole focus.
Anyways hopefully your shares are helping you to process all these things you are going through..

Thank you GrowStrong for your bravery, thank you even more for finding the words to express yourself, something that 2 other posters on this thread did not succeed in doing.

                What I understood from you, is that you had expectations from yiddishkeit, you expected it to stop you from acting out. You expected the men who preached it to be אנשי אמת, or true tzadikim/talmidei chachamim. You also blame them for ‘carving-out’ their own take on the torah, which did not help you in your struggle (wheras the Torah itself does help you!). And obviously, you cannot fathom how SA can breed a creature like me.

                If I were to ‘answer’ the issues you address, I would be doing a great evil. I don’t know you, I haven’t taken a good few days of deep conversation to truly understand who you are and where you are coming from, and I don’t know what exactly “yidishkeit” means to you. From my viewpoint, anyone who responds to such a question without knowing all this, is HARMING the one who asks the question, I don’t care how many years of sobriety he has.

                For this reason, I will opt to keep within the 12 traditions, and speak only about MY OWN experience. If you would theoretically be in the EXACT same situation as me, and DO EXACTLY as I did, there is [only] a good chance you will have SIMMILAR results [no-one will claim that your results will be exactly the same= honesty…].       After that brief introduction “here is what worked for me…”

                I came to this website 10years ago with A LOT of emotional baggage. I had a VERY painful-difficult-abusive-depressing-brocken-sick-hurt-bruised-gruesome childhood. I didn’t carry “scars”, because I was full of “open wounds”! many people who came before me already flooded the forum with the same question הפוך בה והפוך בה דכולא בה so why do we need “outside information”? Good question, and to answer it is a waste of time. The question is better than the answer, and in the same vein, the solution of the program proves to be better than the question.

                A few years ago SA released a publication (official SA literature) that addressed this issue. According to SA policy, the only reason why it is not “recommended” to do a group reading in שערי תשובה לרבינו יונה is because the other members of the group will all insist on using THEIR preference of books (טהרת הקודש, ראשית חכמה, תניא, ליקוטי מוהר"ן, ספרי ר' ארוש).  SA officially endorses learning from religious books and psychology books, because the program has a vast amount to learn from them. But making a group reading out of them, can harm the group unity. Additionally, the downside of books is that in some instances they cannot explain HOW to work their ‘ideas’, they don’t have clear directions how to do it. And in the program, we care to apply all those wonderful ideas into our daily lives.        P.S. I know that SA members find it hard to believe, that’s why I had to show them a printed copy of that publication, and yes…. they where left confused.

                From my experience, I knew from the very onset of my journey, that the 12 steps WORKS. I wanted to understand what about it works, and how to do it (sorry Sir Nicholas). When I understood that emotional unrest was escalating the intensity of my (natural) sex-drive, I asked myself what my religion can do for that. And when I had a headache, I was surprised to find-out that ר' חיים קנייבסקי recommends learning specific mishnayos for that. When the program laid-out the necessary criteria for a “higher power”, I told myself x-y-z are missing from my personal religious practice, lets add them. I eagerly learnt WHAT the program asks of me (e.g. to clean house) and searched specifically for those things in ספרים.              Sadly I haven’t yet found a rav who could save me the homework, but in leu of that I slowly pieced it together over the years. God knows that I am trying, so he sends me sources on a need-to-know basis.

                Am I done with SA? I know exactly why you would need to ask such a question. But frankly, I learnt the 12 traditions just like I learnt the bog book and white book. And I know as a fact the my “journey” is as genuine as anyone else’s, and “my path to recovery” meets all the criteria outlined by the 12 traditions.                    

                Religion never let me down, I simply didn’t do it good enough. If only I where grateful to Hashem for all the good, and BAD, that he does for me, I would never have ended up in this place to being with.  If only I learn to accept all the difficulties in life (לקבל ייסורים באהבה), as the direct result of my actions, and see the good in that realization, and the good in being able to have a ‘clean slate’(כפרת עוונות), I would never have fallen in the first place! What resentments would I have, with only these to יסודות האמונה alone!? What would I fear, if I know that nothing “bad” will become of me?  Knowing that even my falls are a necessary part of the journey (שבע ייפול צדיק וקם לו), step 8-9 dissipate.  Steps 10-11 are just to keep these things going on a daily basis, and step 12 is innevidable! Who can possibly keep the solution to life a secret, when he knows how many people are suffering miserably?!?!?   

            My religious beliefs don’t leave me the urge to act-out. I’m not talking about יראת שמים, I’m referring to אמונה ובטחון as a way of life. If I have custody on my kids, or lose custody on my kids, I turned to hashem and said “thank you”. Honestly.    

Speaking of headaches......I'm dizzy!

Me too, too much thinking for me