Dear Thompson,



I'm not here to take you on a guilt trip or to judge you. What you did yesterday was unfortunate. You tried escaping the discomfort, but it hurt you, and you know it.



 You lost your equilibrium because of that memory, and in a moment of desperation, you decided that the fastest way to get out of the storm of it was by watching it. I understand the rationale. But as we advance, let's remember that a) it didn't work - four hours later, you watched porn again, and b) it's better to ride out the discomfort of an unwanted porn scene hijacking your brain than to feel like a dump for the next day.



With love and compassion,

Thompson (the father version).This is super powerful, Thompson.



For all those that didn't take heed of this line - it has been useful to many I've spoken to. Many of us succumb to triggers/pressures/lures to fall because it's the fastest way to be rid of the uncomfortable feeling of being triggered. If we'd adopt a mentality of acceptance, where we understand that we're triggered and are ok with it,  we'd be able to stay strong and not succumb. After all, we're humans and normal humans get triggered.... Accepting it and being ok with it can be super helpful in not acting out.....



בהוקרה רבה

מאטיל

I'm grateful that the weekend was better than I anticipated (yes, I know it's wensday [sic], I'm still grateful).
I'm grateful that I haven't watched porn for a week.
I'm grateful that I started meditating again.

If this made you think that life is pleasant and delightful or that I've become enlightened, it isn't, and I haven't.
I still have enough problems to keep me miserable till kingdom come, but I'm trying to focus on the ceiling tiles that aren't missing.
Maybe if I do this long enough, I won't feel the need to add this disclaimer (which I just realized is longer than the first part).

I'm grateful that I have the energy to focus on the tiles I have.

HakadosBaruchHuSpeed

BTW Wed. is already the start for the weekend, so if the weekends make you feel better you can make the whole week into the weekend, as till Wed is the last week and from Wed is already the weekend... just an idea to Farmish the YH

hashemisonmyside wrote on 23 Jul 2025 18:15:

Judging by my state of farmishedness, I know who I might be.
Wow, what a plot twist.

thompson wrote on 23 Jul 2025 14:42:

A week clean and back to meditating - that's real progress, my friend.

I love the ceiling tiles metaphor. You're right that focusing on what's NOT broken doesn't magically fix everything else, but it's a much better place to build from than staring at all the holes.

The fact that you have energy to even notice the good tiles? That's huge. Depression and this struggle both love to make us blind to anything positive.

Keep counting those tiles. The disclaimer will get shorter as the gratitude gets louder.

Proud of you for the week clean.

Some recent conversations brought up an interesting topic to me.
What I'm writing below is not to preach or to teach. It's to help me internalize the message, and I thought others might find it helpful, so I'm sharing it publicly.

There's a gotcha question that pseudo-intellectuals like to ask unsuspecting normies, and that is, "Who are you?" Every attempt by the muggle to answer is categorized as "that's just your name," "that's just your occupation," "that's just your hobby, I'm asking who YOU are." Stumpify. So what's the real answer? For starters, try to avoid engaging with such individuals. But the trick lies in people not realizing that words are too meager to describe the essence of a human being. We can use words to define specific attributes, such as a name, occupation, hobbies, and desires, and then allow the hearing party to form their own perception of an identity of "who" this person is (which will inevitably be shaped by their past experiences, but that's another spin).

When someone laments, "I have all this lust and these crazy desires, I masturbate to porn, but that's not the real me," it makes me wonder, why not? Try telling a copper, "But Officer Krupke, I didn't run that red light! I promise! The real me would never do such a thing!"

We are comprised of many elements. Some of them align with our values and thus make us proud, and we'd like to be associated with them. Others are dissonant, so we wish they weren't part of us, but they are. Everything that happens to us and everything we do becomes part of us in one way or another. Our current life might be a jarring contrast to our memories of how we felt and behaved in childhood, but there's no undo button for life experiences.

Our job is to accept all of our bits and pieces. Especially the ones we think are unacceptable. To become one whole, integrated person. There shouldn't be a "real me" and a "lust me." Just all of me rolled into one comfortable sack. We struggle with this notion because we're afraid that if we acknowledge and validate our lust/anger/laziness and give it a proper seat at our table, it'll take over and we'll be responsible for it (or worse yet, people will find out). But the opposite is true. As long as we try to deny a part of us, it'll fight back and make sure it's heard. That's where the "struggle" lies. And, just as a father needs to accept his difficult (read: suffering) teenager and not deny or attempt to change him, if we accept and acknowledge our dissonance, we have a chance at peace and harmony.

Peace and harmony for the people.

In other, non-philosophical, news, 'twas a beauty of a Shabbos.

Delicious food.
Good company.
Fantastic conversations.
Geshmak Davening.
Great learning.
Awesome Baalei Tefilah.
Beautiful weather.
Serene innards.

I'm grateful for all that and more.

And then I spent two hours on Motzei Shabbos in a darkened room watching porn and other nonsense.

Not always do the reasons rhyme.

I'm grateful for a clean and healthy Sunday despite the day starting with a terrific headache (thanks to the late MS).

thompson wrote on 28 Jul 2025 16:36:

They often do not, and it makes things so much more scary, frustrating, and seemingly futile.
Please give yourself the credit you deserve for your Sunday win.

Yesterday's fast was the easiest I've had in recent memory. Praise be the Lord. I was able to be helpful around the house (thanks, Tom, the supper was scrumptious!), and keep away from trouble. In fact, it wasn't even a struggle for most of the day; that's how good I was feeling. I'm grateful for that. I could've done without the grape juice as the grand finale, though.

I saw some good people that I hadn't seen in a while, but I was playing tishabuv*, so I had to keep it all inside. It was still nice to see them. Thank God for pleasant people.

Recently, I fell back into the insidious habit of watching porn without masturbating. I'm not proud of that.

Lordspeed.


*This is when I don't quite feel the gravity of the day, but I'm afraid of being chastised for acting in that fashion, so I put on a somber face and pretend. (Perhaps like the morose guy I'm scared of, we all have different ways of dealing with feeling disconnected.) It's sort of like when I'm very makpid on Shmiras Enayim in the grocery store between watching porn and ogling her from the safety of my car.

thompson wrote on 04 Aug 2025 15:14:

Best footnote on GYE. I do that too! The shemiras einayim shtick I mean. And also the living a lie to comport with externals demanded by society shtick.
Not the fake morose on Tisha B'av. I'm too busy enjoying being depressed. 

I beg to differ. If you guard your eyes inside, and ogle afterwards, that is still an accomplishment, with room for growth.

chosemyshem wrote on 04 Aug 2025 20:03:

I'm smelling a cold, cold (like IMG cold) litvak all the way here in Burma...

Checking in, in lieu of checking out.

It's like someone turned down the volume. I'm grateful for that.

Here's what's been helping me:

• Daily meditation. Just a couple of minutes when I wake up and again before retiring for the night.
• Allowing some time for my mind to do its thing without interference, such as driving home from work in silence instead of being on the phone or blasting music on the stereo.
• Going to sleep "on time." This used to come naturally, but over the past couple of years, I developed some negative nocturnal habits that I'm now working to fix.
• Journaling every night, especially when I feel like there's nothing to write about.

This has given me the patience and presence to spend more time with my wife and children (together and individually), which, in turn, gives me a new appreciation for the effort it takes to plod ahead.

Hard days still arise, and anxiety still lurks beneath the surface, waiting for the opportune time to pounce, but at a painstakingly slow crawl, I'm becoming more comfortable with the fact that I'm the adult in the room; it's up to me.

I'm still struggling with occasional porn consumption and (un)productivity at work.

I want to end on a high note: Vincerò!

thompson wrote on 12 Aug 2025 15:22:

Wow! דפח"ח

Yesterday was a terrifically miserable day—the likes of which I haven't experienced in weeks.
I ended up porning and masturbating, like I haven't in (less) weeks. It gave me the short-term relief it promised.

All my old insecurities resurfaced. They were all like, "What? You thought we left for good? We were just on vacation, y'know, so now we have the proper energy to beat the dying daylights out of you again." Hello, tightness in the chest, my old compadre.

Supper was enjoyed in gloomy silence; it kind of reminded me of childhood. When that realization hit me, I forced myself to smile at my wife and kids and ask them how their day was—that's a win.

I can go on, but I think the picture is clear enough.
That was yesterday, and yesterday is as gone as the Aztec empire.
I'm still feeling lethargic and physically fatigued.

To (well-nigh) paraphrase the great Sgt. (Pvt. according to the Lootenant Dan) Gump:
"Life is like a box of chocolates. It's often disappointing and bad for you. But at least there are different kinds."