Hi all GYE friends and family,
The time has come for me to realize that I can't continue thinking and wishing that I'm able to deal with this myself. It's time for me to break my ego, come out of the closet, and share my crazy and likewise incredible journey.
Unfortunately, I don't have the time to write it all at this moment. But I'm still opening this thread to make sure that I'm accountable to make the time to write. So, fellow GYE'ers, if you don't hear from me by Motz"sh, please hold me accountable. See you around.
YTW.

ytw wrote on 09 Jan 2025 20:28:

following up

My dear friend!
I know I'm late, but it's good see you posting!

How about sharing your story?
I think many, many people here will get tremendous chizzuk from it.

Ahh welcome ! were here to support you and to get support. so let us in on what's going on,  you'll get a lot of invaluable chizuk and tools on here from the  chevra that are\were in the same place  as you. so let yourself loose and open up you wont regret it . i did that 21 days ago and my lifes only been better.!!!       hatslacha   waiting to hear

Welcome Reb YTW,

Nice to have you with!
This place is not just a online forum, its a family, a safe haven, a Beis Medrash, and a home.

So... Welcome Home!!

We would be happy to hear your story.
Shemzach nisht
I totally understand if you are, but don't be embarrassed. We are all quite understanding here.
and also come from similar situations.
Waiting to hear from you.

Can reach out to me personally @ chaimbreakfree@gmail.com  

(Part 1) (Sorry for the lengthy post)

Ok. Promises made, promises kept. Well, almost, but as the saying goes, it's better late than never.

Phew, deep breath. Ok. Am I ready? This is a long one. Ok, here we go.

The story I'm about to share with you is much more than a story. It's my journey, a ride with many tunnels. Sometimes, I wondered if there was an end to the tunnel. Other times, I felt like I was climbing a mountain, wondering if I'd ever make it. Sometimes, it felt like riding on top of the mountain with the whole world beneath and enjoying the breeze.

Like most (if not all) of us, I was introduced to this in a very unhealthy way that threw my life into turmoil. Before I continue, I want to apologize if I write something that might trigger you. Please forgive me.

I was introduced to M by a cousin about my age when we were about the age of 13. My cousin gave me some s*x education. A few weeks later, he came to my house for a sleepover and taught (showed...) me about M. I was hooked. At the time I didn't even know the extent of the issur. I knew it wasn't right, but I just couldn't stop. I fell and fell, slipped and slipped. Oh, and of course, I was mortified to tell a living soul about this struggle I was grappling with. I knew (thought) I was bad, yet I couldn't do anything about it. I COULD NOT STOP, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRIED. By the time I found out how problematic this was, I just couldn't stop. I was stuck. Of course, I kept on promising myself that I'll stop. But I just had no clue how.

Fast forward 3 years. I was sitting in front of an unfiltered computer (naive older parents had no clue of the dangers the Internet has to offer, and anyway, how would their son find out the password?...), and I, for the first time, searched for some videos. I still remember my heart pounding, threatening to jump out of my chest, my palms sweating, and my eyes burning as I was watching for the first time. My heart was pounding and telling me, DON'T. STOP. IT'S BAD. IT'S WRONG. I reached rock bottom, and it hurt. I knew I had to do something. Out of desperation, I tried thinking what to do.

I don't remember where I had this information in my brain, but I searched for GYE's website. I reached out to the moderators in the chat and made my plea for help. They contacted me, and we were communicating via email for a while. I went to learn in yeshiva in EY a few months later and bh didn't have access, however I was still very much struggling with M.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have been struggling/suffering with anxiety and depression since about the age of 10. I was having a very rough childhood and teenage years. Oh, and my father was very sick and almost died. I was a broken thing, which led me to M, which broke me even more, which led to even more M, which broke me even more, etc. I went to many therapists over the years but didn't even have the courage to share my little dark secret with them. Even now, as I write this, my emotions are still boiling.

At the age of 19, I had a pretty decent summer with little falls. I had a satisfying job and was busy BH. Right after the summer I bh got engaged. The year after came COVID... I was struggling with M. But I bh managed to stay away from P. A few months before my wedding date, I finally shared my secret with my therapist. He was supportive and tried to help me. I managed to stay clean for about a year. During that year, I bh got married and thought that, wow, marriage does seem to solve this... (Though, I was having a very hard time with my wife... Some actions brought on terrible guilty feelings... ואכהמ"ל).

During my clean year, I was slowly turning into a dry drunk, fantasizing but watching not to fall, etc. A few weeks after my wife gave birth to our oldest child, I was home alone, and without any thoughts, I found myself acting out. DAMN, I FELL... I didn't know how to deal with this. My up-and-down spiral started again.

A year later, the recipe for disaster happened. I lost my job, was home alone, and found a breach in my filter. My KOSHER phone now had open Internet. I fell and fell and fell. I was depressed, couldn't sleep nor wake up... Going through months of hell.

After a few months of being in the P and M hell, I have yet again reached rock bottom. My therapist put an ultimatum that if I don't reach out for some real help, he's gonna drop me. Having no choice and feeling rock bottom again, I reached out to GYE and shared that this time, I'm ready to work and am in desperate need of help. I was directed to the EMT first responder of GYE: HHM. He gave me his time and did a30 30-day challenge/reward with me. I also set myself up with another accountability and support partner, and BH passed the challenge. The ride wasn't easy. It was painful, but I bh succeeded.

We did another 30-day streak, and I reached 60 days clean, then 90, 180, 365, and even 750 days clean. I was on top of the world... However, at about 650 days, I went through a lot of changes in my life and experienced a lot of stress. I felt like I was able to lose my streak. I was fighting, trying to hold on, crying, and asking for help. However, no one seemed to believe me; everyone was just telling me to be so happy and proud of my streak and stay strong. I knew that I was about to fall, yet I tried holding onto my streak... 

Part 2 will follow

ytw wrote on 27 Jan 2025 02:35:


Thanks for sharing
Here’s a hug and support for another brother 

KOT!!!

Hey, here’s a warm hand. 
Don’t stay in the shadows. We’re glad you’re here. I suspect we have a lot to learn from you. 
We each must walk a lonely road, but it’s far easier when walking together with friends who can understand the pain, the turmoil, the rising and falling, who get it…

Welcome, brother. 

Please keep posting. 

Chaim Oigen

Just seeing this thread... it is gripping and we most definitely want to hear more from you!

The GYE family is so supportive and understanding.... Saty here and gain from all the support... I well understand the terrible feeling of falling after a streak, as I fell after 12 years..........

Please stay here and keep posting, we want to hear from you,
Muttel

Your journey sounds like it can open a lot of hearts and bring us to deep within ourselves  in kmat crying reading your thread just imagining what you went and our continuing to go through.  This place is therapy and family.  I'm a mushy guy yet I made friendships here in just 3 weeks and opened up to ppl with secrets I thought I'll take to the grave.    Hang around stay connected.      With a brotherly hug .!!

WOW!

My dear friend, I have no words for you.
I am sitting here feeling your pain. Even though we have spoken, I don't think I was aware of the depth of your struggle. 

Please reach out to some of these holy and normal people too!
They can help you find the right way out of this hell!

With much pain...

Hi. Your story put me to tairs .I can definitely relate on some level and it's definitely a huge step that you posted your story. We are here for you. Keep on holding on,  it'll get easier. 

I would say welcome, but you've been here longer then I have. Welcome however to the most powerful part of the forums. The ability to open up and make friends. Like you've already come to realize this road is a journey of a lifetime, fraught with twists and turns. But it can be made so much easier with friend at your side. We'll be here for you when it gets rough, and even when things are going well. Seems like you've been through a lot of pain. The fact that you managed to stay clean for so long despite it all, is impressive and inspiring. Even if you fell, you're still very high up on the mountain. As the greats before me have said, I'm sure we will gain from you and your journey. Every guy that makes himself vulnerable by posting his story is doing a favor to all of us posters, and so many more of the silent readers that get inspired. So please keep sharing, posting, and inspiring!

Hi. I am so happy for you that you are here, growing, learning, conquering. And your pain touches my heart. I look forward to hearing the rest of the journey, and to be able to support you in any way I can

wow wow wow i was feeling like i was reading about myself........ untill i got to the part of 750 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that doesn't sound normal! amazing! and whatever part 2 will bring, there is still no way to take that away! keep it up! and i hope to learn more from ur story!!!