Hi friends 

Before I start I want to thank the founders and all the people that are involved in making and running this incredible site.  And also a huge thanks to all the people that are active here with comments and ideas, it helped me so so much for the past few years that I'm on here quietly noshig for wisdom and clarity.

And אחרון אחרון חביב to the angel @hashemhelpme (I really think he is an angel) for all ur help and time you gave me there is no words to express my gratitude for all your help.

My story I think is too long to write it in detail, maybe I will get to it one day, but to sum it up in short, I'm now in my mid 30's, chasidish, wonderfully married (and fine tuned it after being here for a few years) regular person on the outside turmoil on the inside. 

I've tried being clean for years without any real results. my longest and  must successful run was 70 days and it ended a week after sukkahs.

Before that I think to myself, that if it would've been a contest of who watched the most p**n and M the most, I would win that contest.

I M'd from the 10 till my 30's on daily basis, I couldn't fall asleep without it. My routine was when I went that I went over what I saw all day and fantasized till I M and then I fell asleep and this was going on for years.I think that not too many people can relate to me with the part of how much my mind was into this. And also getting triggered by both genders makes it even more difficult for me to get out of it, (I stopped going to the mikvah except when I really have to go for a nice few years even though in my circle most people go daily).From my 20 and up p**n was my life, there were days that at work instead of working I watched all day,  and at was all night watching sometimes till 5 or 6 am and the next day I walked around like a zombie.and it wasn't just single days here and there   this was happening Day after day, and the same goes to the last 3 days. And for the last few years it got even much worse, I got hooked to one of the ppv websites and flushed there thousands of dollars, from money that I didn't have, and even now even without being able to cover monthly basic expenses I'm still spending tons on this websites, don't ask me why I'm doing it, I also know that it doesn't make sense, but the urges are so strong that I can't control myself.Part of why it's so difficult for me to stop I think is because in order to stop, I feel that I have to change tons of things in my life in order to get clean.  And also because of my past I feel that this took my away my life from me, I know that what I'm today is not what I'm supposed to be   I feel that I ruined my life, God gave me a lot of talent and wisdom and I used none of them, and I that this is the reason why.I already listened more than once already to theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/Im already by page 300 of the fight of our generation book.I'm broken and feel shattered to pieces   its a terrible feeling trying to get rid of this and not being able to, I don't know from where I took the strength to pull through till here.I could write hundreds of pages more if I would go more in to detail. But I'm pushing it off for a few years already to post here    so I will just press the send button now and will come back for more one day maybeIn the meantime anyone willing that thinks that they could be helpful to me.  I would greatly appreciate it.   Cause I can't continue anymoreThanks for listening 

Maybe being more active, connected and engaged here will help.

Thank you so much for posting your story. Being more active here will definitely help. Iyh you will connect with the right people that you can relate to. There are definitely others who have been in your shoes and they have been able to pull themselves out of the mud. Iyh you will be able to as well.

It is natural to feel regret for the missed opportunities of life However do not fall into the trap of the yetzer hara that wants to overwhelm you with guilt and make you feel despondent. You can read appendix a in the battle of the generation over and over until you ingrain in yourself all of the answers to this yetzer hara.

Welcome to the family, R' hashemyishmor.

You've taken the best step by joining this community of hope, warmth, and true heeling, here you'll find brother's who really care and root for you, people who are ready to do whatever it takes to help you conquer this beast, as you've stated that you already are in touch with the mentor in chief HHM, I think it's time for you to now reach out to a few friend's who will hold your hand, during the hard moments.

you can start of by MUTTEL at muttel15@gmail.com, or EERIE at 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, and the list goes on, my contact info are below in my signature, but really read around the threads, figure out who you feel will understand you best and reach out to him, you wont regret it.

Keep it up and keep us posted.
With love Akiva

A worm hug and welcome to the family hashemyishmor7.
rebakiva is a good friend to cconnect with.

Welcome!

Your struggle is one we all can connect to, each on our own level….

Stick around, speak to the chevra here, and bezh you’ll be able to break free too!

Muttel

Sometimes when I read other people's story, I feel that I'm reading my own!
I also couldn't fall asleep without M. 
I watched P while my wife was asleep next to me in the bed. For years. Many many years!

But that's all in the past. 
BH the tools are here to break free. 
Reach out to the warm chevra here who can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and huge portions of love and acceptance. 
May Hashem help you in your journey to true freedom. Coz that's what it's all about. Free from the shackles of porn. 
You will get there. 

Loads of love
Od Yossef Chai

Being more active, connected, and engaged will certainly help!

A fun fact: "my struggle" in German is Mein Kampf.

Now, I'm not calling you a rasha like Hitler. But I am calling you . . .
Sounds like you've already made one excellent decision and spoken to HHM. Keep on working at it with some chochma - if one thing isn't working move on to the next. And I guarantee that with Hashem's help you will see results.

Hatzlacha. Looking forward to seeing you around.

R' Hashem Yishmor,

I can totally relate to you as so many can because our stories have similar themes.  The feelings that come with it I can relate to in a very acute way. But you are not what you think you are! Just by coming on here ang posting your story with great personal courage makes you an elevated person. The fact  that you reached out to HHM (who I agree is a malach) makes you a tzadik! Knowing that you are making Hashem proud gives such chizuk in this fierce battle. Keep doing what you are doing and you will be"h be very successful! The people here are the most understanding, kind, non judgemental people who you will ever meet (live or anonymously). They are all eager to help anyone who wishes. 
Chazak V'amatz!!!

hashemyishmor7 wrote on 28 Nov 2024 04:17:

What worked for me is a good chaver and we worked on it together. As we both have ssa, we worked on it together through aliyos and yeridos. Especially since you have ssa, a chaver would be truly beneficial. Set some
realistic goals and I think you’ll see real progress.  It’s impossible to  quit any addiction without a support system. And of course I agree with you
That you have to avoid the Mikva to avoid being triggered 

hashemyishmor7 wrote on 28 Nov 2024 04:17:

chosemyshem wrote on 28 Nov 2024 15:14:

I thought about it when writing it. he is too a sensitive topic for me to discuss. But he ended up loosing. I hope I will win completely in my war.

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome 

I was thinking of posting and update my progress, should I do it on this thread or open a separate one?

Whichever you prefer, I personally changed to a different thread, but eventually people started to ask me what my story was, so in the end I just went back to my original thread, so whoever wants could just go back to page 1 and read my story.