Oh R' jolly, thanks for comforting me, I've always thought that only "I" am crazy, but now I see I've succeeded in making others crazy as well, so now I'm no more alone.

This post is what they call the "GYE user's dream" there's so much in this that we all dream about, 1) yes we will struggle forever (possibly), the YH never gives up, but we can stand up to him and against our will, do something, or say something {like telling your wife to make sure the filter is working, before using it yourself} that is beneficial for our STRIVING in inyanei kedusha, 2) the support system you've managed to build for yourself, is also something everyone here dreams about, to ensure they can also STRIVE to kill this beast.

Thank you so much for this post, you've inspired me, you're an inspiration for everyone reading your story, seeing where you're coming from, to where you currently are, and it'll be an inspiration to everyone who's going to read this in the years to come.

With love and hope to keep making you crazy, Akiva

I had a very uplifting experience today. 
I was in the bank recently waiting  for a teller. I was second on line and I glanced to see if it was moving and I noticed one of the tellers has a certain featured that is very triggering to me. I quickly looked away. ( I did not really see her as it was for around a half a second but I did notice the triggering feature) I started getting nervous that she would be the one helping me as the person in front of me was going to take the other teller who was almost finished and I would be left with her. It was hard enough to keep my eyes away standing on line.  If I had to interact with her I did not know if I would be able to overcome the temptation. I started davening to hashem that I should have a different teller so I can stay strong.  Around 30 seconds later a man (no temptation there) came from his computer right over to me and asked me if I needed help! He  helped me and I was able to leave without having to look at or interact with that teller.! I am so thankful to Hashem that he came through for me!

This brought out to me something  we all know but I have to work to get into my psyche. HKB"H is not a neutral third party in this battle against lust. He is the judge but he is not impartial! He is actively on our side, rooting for us and wanting, ready, willing and able to help whenever we ask! He knows the struggle and is totally supporting us! I know that every time I keep this in mind (unfortunately not often enough) it gives me a boost of momentum to keep going. It so encouraging to keep  in mind!
Just thought I would share

That's beautiful, Jolly! Thanks for sharing!
Yes, Hashem loves you, and He cares for us all, and we should never stop talking to Him.
I'd like to point something out. BeH as you keep going up you'll learn to stay calm. You'll learn that seeing something that triggers doesn't mean you should panic or get nervous. And when you'll stay calm, you'll be able to control your mind, and decide what you want to think about. It's the panic that takes away our ability to choose properly. And then, even when Hashem decrees that we should be challenged, you'll be able to be calm and strong and withstand the temptation with strength and calm
How do we stay calm?
Keep reminding yourself that feeling that is very normal. You are normal for wanting that. And then calmly decide that those are things you don't want to do.

In the past I did not want to post my daily struggles because it is very repetitive. Fall, trying...trying...trying...etc. But  following the advice of my yedid R' IWANTLIFE, I will attempt to give somewhat of an update.

Yesterday I hit 60 days that I refrained from P & M.(Actually P is longer then that due to lack of access) I frankly did not feel anything. At this point I am not finding the fight any easier. I still feel my blood pressure shoot up whenever I encounter  a female. (It is not the failure as BH I have refrained from looking. It is simply the test) I am told it will just take time but I am growing rather impatient. In fact the last few days have been especially difficult due to some disappointments and hardships I am dealing with in other aspects of life. In fact yesterday was  arguably my hardest day since I started. Chavrusa did not show up,hard sugya, some other disappointing news all led  me to a really bad frame of mind. I actually went to listen  to some light shiurim because I knew the other option was to be MZ"L.  I was listening to a shiur on the inyan of shmiras einayim, and the speaker was speaking about how HKB"H values people dealing with these nisyonos more then Malachim who obviously do not have these impulses. At That point I just burst out crying. (I do not know why but ever since i started this journey I am doing a lot of crying, which in the past, crying was mostly on Yom Kippur) I was crying due to the overload of emotions I was feeling. Hoping to get to a better place, Hearing that HKB"H values my struggle , and just the immense pain and tension I am carrying with me until the fight gets easier. 
I am frankly a little surprised that it is still so tremendously hard for me. I am beginning to realize how  deeply engrained this shmutz is in me. It is really hard work to uproot it! Does anyone have any ideas how to deal with this tension? (Eerie , I know it is normal but that takes time to feel that change. Also, as HHM says to DEobjectify them also takes time as my first instinct I have when  I see a female is how does she look. After all , I have unfortunately been fantasizing about women since I was a child of 5  years old. Not the act of intimacy, but  in more  general terms)

And so, I still feel like I am walking a tightrope. Hanging off a cliff maybe is more accurate. The only way, I have been able to stay here is because of the greatest friends I can ever hope for. That is all of you, here on GYE!  Your inspiration keeps me going even when I am collapsing from the tension I am experiencing just by seeing a female in my line of vision! Thank you to all my friends who are there for me when I need it!. Some of you even take the initiative to reach out to me! (I am realizing that I need to make my support system larger as B"H we all are very busy and not always available to speak when I need it.) So I wanted to Thank all of you for your support and friendships! It means more then I can ever express! 

And I hope that be'h (I beg him constantly to make the nisoyon easier) and your support  I will be able to continue with more menuchas hanefesh!

Words from the heart,
 feeling like falling apart,
    but courageously hanging on.

A hero from the start,
  In GYE playing his part,
      an inspiration - a rising sun.

While fightiing the fight
  with super focused might,
     friends he helps and advises.

A Jolly friend demanding right,
   with friends he holds tight,
      may Hashem shower him with brachos - all sizes.

Hats off to you Jolly. It may still be so tough, but you are obstinately showing us how to be loyal. Very impressive! Continued hatzlocha!