Oh R' jolly, thanks for comforting me, I've always thought that only "I" am crazy, but now I see I've succeeded in making others crazy as well, so now I'm no more alone.

This post is what they call the "GYE user's dream" there's so much in this that we all dream about, 1) yes we will struggle forever (possibly), the YH never gives up, but we can stand up to him and against our will, do something, or say something {like telling your wife to make sure the filter is working, before using it yourself} that is beneficial for our STRIVING in inyanei kedusha, 2) the support system you've managed to build for yourself, is also something everyone here dreams about, to ensure they can also STRIVE to kill this beast.

Thank you so much for this post, you've inspired me, you're an inspiration for everyone reading your story, seeing where you're coming from, to where you currently are, and it'll be an inspiration to everyone who's going to read this in the years to come.

With love and hope to keep making you crazy, Akiva

I had a very uplifting experience today. 
I was in the bank recently waiting  for a teller. I was second on line and I glanced to see if it was moving and I noticed one of the tellers has a certain featured that is very triggering to me. I quickly looked away. ( I did not really see her as it was for around a half a second but I did notice the triggering feature) I started getting nervous that she would be the one helping me as the person in front of me was going to take the other teller who was almost finished and I would be left with her. It was hard enough to keep my eyes away standing on line.  If I had to interact with her I did not know if I would be able to overcome the temptation. I started davening to hashem that I should have a different teller so I can stay strong.  Around 30 seconds later a man (no temptation there) came from his computer right over to me and asked me if I needed help! He  helped me and I was able to leave without having to look at or interact with that teller.! I am so thankful to Hashem that he came through for me!

This brought out to me something  we all know but I have to work to get into my psyche. HKB"H is not a neutral third party in this battle against lust. He is the judge but he is not impartial! He is actively on our side, rooting for us and wanting, ready, willing and able to help whenever we ask! He knows the struggle and is totally supporting us! I know that every time I keep this in mind (unfortunately not often enough) it gives me a boost of momentum to keep going. It so encouraging to keep  in mind!
Just thought I would share

That's beautiful, Jolly! Thanks for sharing!
Yes, Hashem loves you, and He cares for us all, and we should never stop talking to Him.
I'd like to point something out. BeH as you keep going up you'll learn to stay calm. You'll learn that seeing something that triggers doesn't mean you should panic or get nervous. And when you'll stay calm, you'll be able to control your mind, and decide what you want to think about. It's the panic that takes away our ability to choose properly. And then, even when Hashem decrees that we should be challenged, you'll be able to be calm and strong and withstand the temptation with strength and calm
How do we stay calm?
Keep reminding yourself that feeling that is very normal. You are normal for wanting that. And then calmly decide that those are things you don't want to do.

In the past I did not want to post my daily struggles because it is very repetitive. Fall, trying...trying...trying...etc. But  following the advice of my yedid R' IWANTLIFE, I will attempt to give somewhat of an update.

Yesterday I hit 60 days that I refrained from P & M.(Actually P is longer then that due to lack of access) I frankly did not feel anything. At this point I am not finding the fight any easier. I still feel my blood pressure shoot up whenever I encounter  a female. (It is not the failure as BH I have refrained from looking. It is simply the test) I am told it will just take time but I am growing rather impatient. In fact the last few days have been especially difficult due to some disappointments and hardships I am dealing with in other aspects of life. In fact yesterday was  arguably my hardest day since I started. Chavrusa did not show up,hard sugya, some other disappointing news all led  me to a really bad frame of mind. I actually went to listen  to some light shiurim because I knew the other option was to be MZ"L.  I was listening to a shiur on the inyan of shmiras einayim, and the speaker was speaking about how HKB"H values people dealing with these nisyonos more then Malachim who obviously do not have these impulses. At That point I just burst out crying. (I do not know why but ever since i started this journey I am doing a lot of crying, which in the past, crying was mostly on Yom Kippur) I was crying due to the overload of emotions I was feeling. Hoping to get to a better place, Hearing that HKB"H values my struggle , and just the immense pain and tension I am carrying with me until the fight gets easier. 
I am frankly a little surprised that it is still so tremendously hard for me. I am beginning to realize how  deeply engrained this shmutz is in me. It is really hard work to uproot it! Does anyone have any ideas how to deal with this tension? (Eerie , I know it is normal but that takes time to feel that change. Also, as HHM says to DEobjectify them also takes time as my first instinct I have when  I see a female is how does she look. After all , I have unfortunately been fantasizing about women since I was a child of 5  years old. Not the act of intimacy, but  in more  general terms)

And so, I still feel like I am walking a tightrope. Hanging off a cliff maybe is more accurate. The only way, I have been able to stay here is because of the greatest friends I can ever hope for. That is all of you, here on GYE!  Your inspiration keeps me going even when I am collapsing from the tension I am experiencing just by seeing a female in my line of vision! Thank you to all my friends who are there for me when I need it!. Some of you even take the initiative to reach out to me! (I am realizing that I need to make my support system larger as B"H we all are very busy and not always available to speak when I need it.) So I wanted to Thank all of you for your support and friendships! It means more then I can ever express! 

And I hope that be'h (I beg him constantly to make the nisoyon easier) and your support  I will be able to continue with more menuchas hanefesh!

Words from the heart,
 feeling like falling apart,
    but courageously hanging on.

A hero from the start,
  In GYE playing his part,
      an inspiration - a rising sun.

While fightiing the fight
  with super focused might,
     friends he helps and advises.

A Jolly friend demanding right,
   with friends he holds tight,
      may Hashem shower him with brachos - all sizes.

Hats off to you Jolly. It may still be so tough, but you are obstinately showing us how to be loyal. Very impressive! Continued hatzlocha!

Just an update.
Things are still very tough but I have been putting a lot of thought into this together with discussions with some of the greats here on GYE.
Here is what I came up with. I would love if anyone has some other ideas or comments, corrections etc.

In the vaad (still highly recommended!!) we were discussing the benefits and detriments of streaks. The benefit is obvious. As long as one is on the streak it is a huge  boost of momentum to keep going. The flip side is just as obvious. If he falls, he can feel like all that work is gone and  all the way at the bottom gain with nothing to show for all the efforts. It can be really demoralizing that may discourage one from trying again. one may feel he does not have the ability to try again. I have long stated and I have seen  and heard others say the same. Those who were able to just turn on a switch and desist from all these bad behaviors are truly great people. They are an inspiration! What I am even more impressed from is one who tries, goes a little bit (or more the a little) then falls again and still gets up and starts again. still believing he can do it despite the setback! That is off the charts!!

Next.
I have been asked by a a few people privately why I am so scared of this , more then any aveira. To the point that my blood pressure rises by every women I pass. I am not walking around all day scared to speak, lest I speak c"v Lashon Hara Though I have a few different reasons that I believe is all true, I will state one of them here. The Prisha on the Tur  and the Taz on shulchan aruch both say and I and probably many others can say from their experiences the same thing. The aveiros in these inyanim are the hardest to break free from. I will speak for my self as I know that for sure to be  by me.  I am not a habitual lashon hara speaker. Do I occasionally slip and speak lashon hara? Yes. Do I more times then not refrain? Yes. I am not emotionally attached to  any forbidden speech I may utter. To be more direct: I do not doubt my ability to refrain from lashon hara, and do teshuva if I c"v fell short. Inyanei kedusha, and p &m  in particular I am emotionally attached to. The feeling  that I feel when doing these things are extremely strong. It is almost addictive. ( Yes, I asked a HHM if I need SA  and I was told no b"h). In short, I am a habitual p&m person. I was doing these things (almost) every day and often multiple times a day. I really doubt my ability to break free for good! Hence, when I am on a streak and I see a women who presents another challenge, I view it as potentially not just the end of a streak but the end of my attempt to clean up my act for good.

In a few words :  I AM TOO SCARED TO FAIL! 
Because I doubt my  ability to get back up and be matzliach.

So I have to find that fine line. Where I view the aveira as the worst thing (it is) before it happens. And if c"v it does happen, I should not view as my ride is over. I have to believe that if I fall c"v I have the ability to rise again and clean up for good. And that what I did accomplish  is not for waste but rather will be helpful in the fight going forward. Of course teshuva must be done for the fall but it should not be viewed as a mission impossible or an insurmountable obstacle. But rather a bump on the road to freedom!

Of course, I hope not to fall but to be prepared if I do c"v. This will take a long time to truly get to such a frame of mind but knowledge is empowering so I hope to get to work on that. 
If anyone has any ideas how to get to that frame of mind I would love to hear!

Thank you all for your support!

You're gonna hate me for saying this, but you are a HERO (I wish I knew how to make it bigger, but I don't know how to) of epic proportions. Most people would have thrown in the towel a long time ago.

amevakesh wrote on 25 Dec 2024 19:20:

I couldn't agree more!

Jollylemur is amazing. 
An inspiration to us all and to the newer guys on here. 
We need him to keep posting. 

KOMT!!

Beautiful post.

This line especially spoke to me.

And Yet Another Major Step:


Wow! What a good way to come into Chanukah!

jollylemur95 wrote on 25 Dec 2024 18:37:

Jolly, this was extraordinarily insightful. Really got me thinking. Thank you for sharing it. 

I don't have any great answers to the question, but it's a really awesome question. 

If it helps, I firmly believe one day soon you'll be 1) squeaky clean, 2) enthusiastically enjoying that cleanliness 3) feel confident you can deal with any slips trips or falls because you can and 4) trucking like a madman. 

Hatzlacha!

Please don’t be scared to fail.  You are not fighting this on your own.  Without hashem helping us, none of us would be able to overcome this yetzer hara. The yetzer hara likes to make this struggle seem overwhelming - what if I lose my streaks and fail again? The answer is that if I fall I will get right back up.  I will not resign myself to staying in the mud. I will keep getting back up no matter how many times it takes.  Yiffishkeit is not about streaks.

The perfectionist approach can play right into the yetzer hara.  All or nothing fights are overwhelming and dangerous.   Teshuva was created before this world was created because we are not perfect and teshuva is necessary for our sustainability.  (The truth is that teshuva is generally not an active player in recovery, but we need to know that teshuva works and that we will address that need at the proper time). Focusing only on our successes is a trick we use to help our confidence as we work our way through this struggle.  For many this is a necessary tactic that works extremely well as long as we don’t become oblivious to a pattern of regression. 

I like to separate my life into two parts.  Everything that I have done (good or ) bad is in the past is the first part.  Every decision in front of me from today forward is the second part.  I focus on the second part.  Once that is in order I can go back and do what I can to fix the first part.  Using this method, the aveiros in front of me are off the table while those behind me are currently irrelevant. 

Wishing you tremendous continued hatzlocha

Vehkam

vehkam wrote on 26 Dec 2024 22:15:

GOLD!!!!

amevakesh wrote on 25 Dec 2024 19:20: