I haven't posted in quite a while, I've been very busy plus very stressed out due to some worldly stresses.

I had some slips here and there, some small one's and some bigger one's, I was in a bit of a darker cloud over the past few weeks, which prompted me to do some deep thinking into my situation what's going on with me, why am I slipping up, and what's causing it ?

Today I think I finally got to the botto of it:

I signed up here 5 months ago back in September, I was in a very bad state, I felt resentful of myself, hating myself for being a screwed up hypocrite living a chashuva life on the outside, but a very dark low life on the inside, I wasen't even depressed I was just so screwed up that I came to terms with being this disgusting creep of a human being, but was upset about it.

Than when I signed up here, got in touch with HHM and all the chevra here, I suddenly started to get a whole new lease on my life, I was no longer alone, I was told that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I began to feel the warmth flowing through my veins, which gave me a crazy motivation to just conquer the beast, not because I wanted to reach 90 days or a big streak, "just because I was desperate to be the person I was portraying in public, desperate to break out of my sort of depression, desperate to stop hating myself for being such a traitor", so I was desperate for the hope I saw GYE has to offer.

But what happened is that at about hundred something days, {nothing to do with the streak issue} I began to feel very comfortable with myself, I felt that I was really experiencing the light at the end of the tunnel, was coming to terms with my new self, a good person who's not a traitor any more, and I stopped hating myself.

Now that's really a great thing, but here's the catch; Because my motivation to conquer this beast was coming from a desperation to feel good about myself vs hating myself, now that I sort of achieved that, my motivation began to fade away {at about 100 days (again not talking about streak issue, just motivation issue)} which led to me letting my guard down a bit, which led to me looking at people in the streets where I shouldn't have, which led to me slipping and filter poking just a tiny bit, which led to me letting my guard down a bit more, looking a bit more, poking a bit more... וגלגל החוזר

So for the past 20 something day's I was in the dark, slipping up, but I just couldn't figure out what's going on with me.

But today after a lot of deep thinking and getting down to the root of my issue's, I finally chopped where my mistake is, my motivation to acheieve true lasting freedom, shouldn't have been coming from my desperation to break free of my low and bad feelings about myself, but rather it should've been "a motivation to change for the sake of doing what's the right thing to do, changing and achieving lasting freedom".

I'm not sure if I myself know what I'm talking about, I think it's more of the idea of something like, "don't fight because you're running away from the beast, rather face the beast and fight him there head-on" or something like that.

So going forward I hope to change my attitude to this fight, so that I stay motivated to keep it going forever, although I'm not really sure/clear as to what my perspective should be in order to keep the motivation going, so I'd really appreciate all responses, like help me clarify the point I was saying, or if anyone has other ideas please bring it on, I really don't want to slip up again...

Thanks, love y'all.
Akiva