Huge win to share:

My wife had to attend a Kiddush today but we couldn't find a babysitter, so we decided to meet up after I finish davening and we had our son push the carriage, and I had to stand outside and babysit our baby, outside a hall where women are coming dressed in their finest...

There was actually another person also waiting for his wife, an older person looked like a really chashuva yid, he was very tense pacing back and forth and every time a woman would pass, he spun his head away.

Once upon a time I used to get very jealous from such a special person, to see his self control, is really something to look up at, but this time I actually felt bad for him, not that there's anything wrong with him to the contrary he's a very special person who really has self-control.

But I, thanks to GYE and for this great community of friends and mentors, I was able to just stand there not even needing to control myself, because I now rewired my brain, and I now really understand what women really are and what they want, no they don't care about my lust, they want true intimacy with their one and only husband, and they are human beings, not s... objects.

Therefore I was able to just very comfortably look at the wall, and when passing people who knew me stopped to schmooze with me I wasn't tense at all, even if I saw a woman {no second looks bh} dressed in her best, it had nothing to do with me, she was dressed for the occasion she had to attend, not for me to see her like that.

So a 20 minute wait outside a hall {which BTW used to be a huge trigger for me} passed bh with no incident, I didn't get tensed up like I used to, I didn't lose my cool, I just stayed in good spirits.

Thank you hashem for GYE, and thank you {yes you the reader} everyone here for forming such a great community, where help is top priority, and getting healed is a reality.

rebakiva wrote on 17 Nov 2024 02:43:

I envy you, friend. My first reaction to your post was eye-rolling, to be honest (the dude really thinks that having been on GYE  for some weeks and being on top of things means his very mind is rewired?!...). But my next thought is that your thinking is the more likely successful route, because it is so much more positive and optimistic than mine. 
Rooting for you to keep it up!
richtig

richtig wrote on 17 Nov 2024 04:01:

Interesting…

I didn’t think “the older person who looked like a really chashuva yid” was on Gye. 

You blew your cover and there’s no backing out 

rebakiva wrote on 17 Nov 2024 02:43:

WOW! sounds more like your wires got sniped, then rewired.

keep it up!
cande'

Markz wrote on 17 Nov 2024 04:25:

Markz, I always had that hunch that your teeth are all gone by now, thanks for the confirmation!

Oh and btw what happened to your hearing, I didn't know you're so old that you already need hearing aids???

Can you explain more about what it means “it’s not about me giving and giving, and not receiving anything in return, but really its us giving and taking and loving etc” 

what’s this method that you learnt? 

rebakiva wrote on 10 Nov 2024 06:55:



Reb Akiva, can you explain this method “it’s not about giving and giving and not receiving…”

Thanks! 

moRocks wrote on 17 Nov 2024 13:44:

Shalom Brother,

If I may be so bold as to suggest, perhaps you'd like to also reach out for the 1st-hand experience of getting this advice?
HHM michelgelner@gmail.com
Eerie 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com
Muttel muttel15@gmail.com

Looking forward to hearing what Reb Akiva has to say.

Hatzlacha

Sure I'm no intimacy expert, we should really leave that to the big guys, but I'll try to explain as much as I can.

Up until joining GYE our vision of sex is twisted by our selfishness, looking to please our selves, and by what we've seen on the internet, in pornography, we've been brainwashed into thinking that the woman enjoys all kinds of bad things... without getting into details..., If you see someone slapping another person daily for a few years, and the other person just keeps on smiling, it will eventually lead you to beleive that slapping another person is something he/she enjoys, even if thats against human nature to feel physical pain and emotional abuse.

Well thats exactly what we've been taught by these pornography sites, they're paying someone to just smile and pretend to be enjoying the worst of the worst, which therefore leads us to be doing things 100% out of lust, and selfishness, to our wives, hiding behind the cover of knowing that the women really enjoy that, when in reality, we are emotionally abusing them and sometimes physically hurting them.

Well then starts the GYE era, where we suddenly begin to understand that sex has nothing to do with me, it's about achieving true intimacy, which can only be achieved by GIVING to our wives the love that she so desperatly craves, pure love of WHO SHE IS not of WHAT she is, we shouldn't be loving her for her body, which essentially is 100% lust and selfish because I love her body, but rather we should love her for WHO she is, which is the special HUMAN that's married to me, who is such a smart, loving, devoted, & caring wife and a great personality.

Now how do we achieve that, by giving and giving to her as much as we can, nothing sex related, just like washing the dishes, and helping as much as we can, AND SEEKING TO PLEASE HER DURING SEX, not ourselves.

That's where I {and as I've come to learn, a lot of people here} got stuck, let's face it we are not angels, and we still are struggling with our past brainwashing and exposure to ponographic ideas of what sex is, I don't mind being a good husband & help my wife in any way shape or form, but that said my brain is still twisted somewhat, and I want to enjoy sex, ok I understand that we've been brainwahed into thinking that she enjoys the bad stuff, so I won't do that, but I still wanto enjoy myself, just laying together hugging and kissing HER, only me providing is not so enjoyable, in p... the woman is taking a tremendous part in the session, but here we are suddenly being told, to just give & give, TO ME {I'm not taking away from the countless people who were ok with it, just for me it didn't work} THAT PROVED TO BE DISASTROUS, I wasn't enjoying it and really started resenting it. 

Which is when I had a good conversation with harav r' EERIE shlit"a and based on HHM'S mehalach, I really came to a new understanding of what sex is all about, it's not that I am giving & giving {which happens to also be somewhat selfish, big ME is giving} and not receiving the enjoyment I'm seeking in return, rater it's that WE as couple are living together {not me living with her, just we are living together}.

It's a very fine line, not so explainable, just something that you feel for real, it's not that I'm doing the dishes, that's a very nice thing but it's a plus, just really it's that WE are playing games together, schmoozing together, taking walks together & enjoying each other's company, now that is by all means 100% enjoyable, now to transfer that over to the bedroom, it's a whole different ball game, we are LOVING EACH OTHER, hugging & kissing each other.

Which eventually brought me to the real point, which is the immense pleasure a man has from KNOWING that his wife is really {not a brainwashed knowledge} enjoying the sex, when sex is being done this way, the love is just everywhere, the wife is craving her husband's company, for a change she really knows that I don't love her body, just HER, and suddenly hashem's curse on the wife comes to reality, ואל אישיך תשוקתיך, she is craving the LOVING SEX NOT THE ABUSIVE SEX, and when the man FEELS that he enjoys it to no means, he just wants more and more of it, because that's a man's nature to be the giver not the receiver.

I hope this clarified what I was saying, but then again I'm no expert, just a fellow struggler who's still figuring his way out, really you should get on the phone with the commander-in-chief HHM and get from him his chussen schmooze, it's the yesod to getting healed in the bedroom, so please place the call.

Just wrote a whole post, and it got lost
In short, Reb Akiva, beautiful
If I may highlight one point

It's not only about specific acts that the average Jewish woman would find reprehensible. The problem may be even with things that most women want and enjoy. Let's face it. We, the people who have watched porn, and even the people who have not but still live in this world and are soaking up the goyish culture, are affected big time by the underlying message. And that is, that sex is a thing in and of itself, and it's part of the things I do to enjoy myself. While the Torah teaches that sex is NOT a tachlis on its own or  stand alone system. Sex is one part of deep, emotional connection and relationship. 
A healthy woman wants to be with her husband, but what she wants is to be cherished, cared for, connected to. When we bring in the goyish, utterly selfish attitude about sex into marriage, some women just shut down. Others, even if they continue, are hurt. And rightfully so. Because she doesn't want to be somebody's masturbation toy. She wants to feel that he's connecting to her, not using her to enjoy himself. 
So, when we come here to stop the wrong behaviors, part of what we have to do is fix the damage we've done at home. And that means to work on our attitude, which, unless we really work on it, it's bound to get messed up by the retarded world around us. We have to stop and think, and start training ourselves to think about sexuality as nothing more than a part of relationship. And we have to make sure that while engaged we are focusing on one thing: Connection.

eerie wrote on 18 Nov 2024 06:05:


I once heard from a Rabbi, he said, "People think marriage is about giving giving giving. 
I say it's all about taking taking taking. Take everything you know about marriage from Hollywood and the goyim, and throw it out the window"

I had a huge revelation today, felt it's worth to share.

I'm BH up 65 days clean of P&M, clean of looking at women in the street {2nd looks of course} and the last 40 days were BH with zero to extremely week urge's and fantasies, MOSTLY...

I for some odd reason would get extremely strong urge's when it came to women of a specific nationality, no second looks bh, but the urge's were just something I didn't experience at all in the past 40 days with women of any other nationality, I for the life of mine couldn't figure it out.

WHY OH WHY??? It's not like I had anything with the women of that nationality, more than with all the rest I've seen online, so WHY am I having such a hard time with them now?

Then today it suddenly hit me. 

While I've BH done a great job HUMANIZING basically all women, I mistakenly fell short when it came to them, because for some reason she was the cashier, or the cleaning lady, not in a bad way chas veshalom, just that I didn't get around to humanizing them, like I should have.

So going forward I am trying to rename them, as the special person who really cares to help my wife clean the house, and the special person who's there for her boss to make sure that the items get paid for.

Hope it'll help me going forward.
ודו"ק היטיב בזה כי הרבה יותר ממה שקראתי לפניכם כתוב כאן

Need chizuk 

rebakiva wrote on 20 Nov 2024 02:55:

How are you? What's doing?

rebakiva wrote on 20 Nov 2024 02:55:

Dunno what in tarnation you taking  about. I never said this my thread. 

My thread is my thread this is yor thread