Hi everyone, lets get straight to the point.

I'm struggling mainly with SSA since a very young age, i never ever went for help, as i was so embarrassed about it thinking I'm the only one with that weird struggle...to make a long story of  - trying and trying, braking devices & bypassing filters - short, currently, I'm aware that this behavior is not part of my identity, it's just a coping method i got hooked on as my second or even first nature, so what i have done now, is installing a very strict filter on my pc, got rid of all other devices, so i currently have no access to any dirty stuff, the only outlet left is chat, so i already deleted my private email addresses with all contacts, all of this i did just to eliminate any triggers, but now, I'm experiencing the following: I'm coming in in office in the morning with a whole bunch of tasks on my to do list, but instead of getting to work, i just don't do anything! instead, I'm surfing the web looking for something to fulfill my desires, even i know that my filter blocks everything, almost 0% chance to find something (i'm an expert, so i know how to block...), i'll sit 8-10 hours just searching unsuccessfully for dirty stuff, only when it gets end of the day i'll start do my work till midnight or even 2-3 am to catch up my work, this is how a 'good' day ends, but sometimes i'll end up acting out even without watching porn and then it'll be super hard for me start working after that to catch up my work, so i fall into bed, getting some sleep for another day of doing the same cycle...

To be honest i have no motivation to even start working on recovery, for sure not to get some help etc. I'm simply fed up of this lifestyle, the only reason i'm not uninstalling my filter is because I'm scared of hashem's punishment, so you may ask why i don't scare to waste so much time & acting out, answer is that i do scare, but its out of my hand completely, I'm feeling so lost, but at the same time so unready to get out of this trap.

I'm opening this thread for the same reason i blocked my internet, just to declare that i disagree with my behaviors but unfortunately i have no plan for the future...

Can anyone relate? any suggestions?

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on your first post.

I suggest that you do the Flight to Freedom program and read the book The Battle of the Generation twhich you can access here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation
There is a download button for a pdf of the book at the bottom of the page if you prefer that over the audiobook. 

You should also have a list of reasons why you want a filtered device and no garbage for the benefits it will give you in your personal and married life. This is important because as long as your reasons are only spiritual you are at a tug of war between your desires and what you know you should be doing. Once you see how it affects your personal and married life your desire will also be to have a filtered device and not look for garbage. In the program there are tools to help you write such a list.

I understand your struggle with the computer because I don't really want to be on GYE more than a little bit and yet I can't let go. I don't have a solution for myself. For your struggle, the program and the book should help a lot but I don't have any practical advice about how to stay off the web.

hershy546 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 04:20:

Welcome aboard R' Hershy. What a post you put down as a first!
You wrote you are not yet motivated and ready to change. My suggestion is to look around the forum and find someone who seems your style, and reach out to him. Though your PM's may not be working yet most of those here that are available to help will have their email in their signature. So if your ready reach out and have a talk, speak it out why you don't want to stop and why you do want to stop. You'll get some clarity from people who've been there done it, and got out of it.

Wish you great luck and keep us posted. 

Welcome. Yes - often feel similar feelings of not wanting enough to stop and fight more than I want to quit.

we want this to go away. But we want it to be easy. Installing filters, making promises, putting up other gedarim.

at the end of the day, it’s not easy. It’s going to be a fight. 

whatever we do to help us make the battle easier is only going to last so long. At one point it’s going the be a real fight. And we must be ready for it. 

harder said than done. Rooting for us. 

hershy546 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 04:20:

Welcome Hershy!

Thank you for the honest share. You can't see this right now, only because you are at the bottom of a pit. But there's a way out and it's a lot more accessible than you think. 

Can you clarify something for me? You wrote "I'm simply fed up with this lifestyle". That sounds like you are not enjoying spending the whole day obsessing about lust. But then you wrote that the only reason you're not uninstalling the filter is because you are scared of punishment. So which is it - do you enjoy what you are doing and only have an interest in stopping because you are scared of punishment or do you find your life is not very pleasant this way?

Listen. I totally relate to feeling completely out of control. I also relate to spending the same amount of time "searching unsuccessfully" as I did watching porn. (Searching on a filtered device like that is still engaging in lust, perhaps in a weaker way.) Many of us here struggle with the exact same stuff you do - and many have gotten free.

 It's absolutely amazing you filtered yourself so strongly. That being said, filters are a helpful tool to give some space to work on the problem, but generally speaking they are not a solution (as you see yourself). A good place to start might be with the GYE Flight 2 Freedom program, but that may not be what you need right now. I strongly suggest you pick up the phone and reach out to one of the mentors here, such as Hashem Help Me (michaelgelner@gmail). There's another guy on here who can maybe relate to your specific SSA struggles and seems like a wise man. Crabapple18 (charlesbosgod@gmail.com).

Hatzlacha.

chosemyshem wrote on 16 Sep 2024 13:42:

Please see above for the correct email address for HHM. And Dear Heshy, this is the place where we learn to hope! You seem to be sick of the silly behaviour, and the good news is that you can really put lust behind you! Stick around, read some threads, connect to some guys, and you'll beH soon fond yourself living a way more productive life!

Thanks all of you for welcoming me here (for those who wrote me in private, it seems to me that i cannot send/reply to PM, hope this is just temporary), last few days i was very busy with many different matters, so i pushed thru without acting out, now when the weekend comes up, i'm expecting another battle, hope to be able to stay strong. will keep you posted my friends.

Honestly, i don't have now any strategy what step to take, the small step i took is listening to The Battle Of Our Generation, that gives me some clarity, although not yet specifically on SSA, but seems like the Yetzer Hora is the same...

Welcome! 

Your struggles, though yours, are ones generally shared by many here. 

Here you’ll find hope. Hope to break free. Hope to view yourself differently. Hope to live the life you want to live. 

Looking forward to getting in touch with you. 

Muttel

A message to my friends who're contacting me via PM, somehow i can only see the messages in email but i cannot reply, so my only platform i can so far thank you for your warm words is here in my thread...

hershy546 wrote on 20 Sep 2024 03:28:

I don't think the Yetzer Hora is the same at all. SSA comes with emotional desires that have nothing to do with the regular desires that other people are struggling with and most of the tools for regular desires may or may not work for SSA struggles. Your struggle with porn is probably the regular Yetzer Hora. I hope that you already reached out to Crabapple18 for your SSA struggles.