I'm a little late to the party here! Wow! Such relatable stuff here!

Kudos to you for opening up on the forum and sharing your story with us, painful as it may be.....

Here's wishing you tremendous hatzlacha in fighting off this damned foe of ours... permanently!!

Muttel

Just read your first post. GADLUS. You brought out so vividly the pain anguish and torment we experienced. May Hashem help you break free - and with your obvious talents, iyh help many others.

Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz זצ"ל in שיחת מוסר explains in this past week’s parsha what is the עבודה זרה of בעל פעור? A person would eat things that made him go to the bathroom and he opens himself up and goes in front of the עבודה זרה. The Gemara even brings a case where someone wanted to make fun of the עבודה זרה and he let himself out in front of it and wiped himself on the nose of the actual idol, and the priests were clapping that there never was someone that served it as good as he.

What is this? What is the draw to this?

Rav Chaim explains that the עבודה of פעור was not to serve it, but to be מבזה it. The actual desecration of the idol is the actual service. And he explains why. The service of פעור is to break down all boundaries and to show that nothing is important and that everything (and anything!) goes. A person can do whatever he wants. Even go to the bathroom in front of his g-d.

Rav Chaim explains that even though chazal killed the YH of עבודה זרה this עבודה זרה is very much still alive. People fell they can do (and they actually do!) whatever they want. There just are no boundaries.

We tend to look at these נסיונות of P & M as נסיונות of עריות and this is for sure 1000% true. However, we see here that there is another aspect of it. The internet and a lot of what is on it and all the stories and videos are a way of saying that there is nothing sacred anymore, anything goes. You can come here and do whatever you want.

So, what is the answer to this? How do we get out of this?

The פסוק in דברים says "לא תוסיפו על הדבר.. ולא תגרעו... עיניכם הרואות את אשר עשה בבעל פעור". In order not to fall into בעל פעור a person needs to set boundaries. And if a person feels that where he is he is too close to the actual נסיון then he needs to move the boundaries further away from the נסיון in order to protect himself.

Thank You ProudYungerman for your persistance in reaching out to me. The conversation that I had with you was phenomenal.

I hope and pray that we continue to be in touch and you will continue to inspire me.

Also, does anyone know how to set my counter to show on the side of the chat?

I really feel great to be here. Thank you for everyone who is here and is encouraging me to continue to grow.

Yesterday I needed to go to Home Depot for something. I found myself more aware of my surroundings in a way that I was able to concentrate on what I needed to get done and conciously block out and not look at the things around me.
Also, my younger children wanted to go to a park to do some bike riding and maybe some fishing. Up till now, it always seemed akward to bring up the issue of שמירת עינים with them (and with my wife). It used to feel vulnerable, like I had an issue or a problem. However, now I was able to say, this park may have an issue, we can go and if there is a way for us to go to a quiet place with nobody there then we can stay, if not we will need to leave. I am now able to talk freely (not too freely) about the topic as I no longer feel that there is something wrong with me. In fact, recently I took my younger boys to Walmart to get something for camp and I was able to tell them in the car that we need to be careful and keep our eyes down and walk only in the aisles that we need and not to look around ourselves and get out as soon as possible.

This feels like real growth!
Thank You All!!

And Thank You Hashem!!

We are flying!!!

138eagle wrote on 28 Jul 2024 22:23:

I was wondering the same...

138eagle wrote on 29 Jul 2024 21:27:

Bolded a part of your post that really spoke to me. I think that's a huge, and really healthy step forward. 

It's very common for guys who are struggling to be so ashamed they are unable to have healthy and productive conversations about topics that even come close to their secret struggle. But opening up a little and sharing on here is really helpful to breaking through that wall of shame. Doesn't mean you are about to 'fess up everything to your wife and tattoo your GYE username on your forehead (also bc that might be a white supremacist/nazi reference). But it does mean you can engage productively in topics related to your struggle. It's definitely progress to be proud of. 

Now, regardin' your chinuch mehalach, reasonable minds could differ. To this luster, your Walmart schmooze sounds like a good way to give your kids a feeling like there's something pleasurable to chap in the Walmart aisles. And maybe it'd be better to just model healthy shmiras einayim. But my kids are little and my main chinuch goal right now is saving up for all the therapy they'll need later so what do I know. 

chosemyshem wrote on 30 Jul 2024 15:19:

I hear your question. I am not 100% sure of the answer but I feel that a child does not necessarily recognize that you are not looking at something on purpose, and a quick easy mention of the fact that we need to watch ourselves is in order.

But אדרבא, I want to hear from the עולם here that has more clarity on the matter.

I'm in agreement with Shem regarding the last thing mentioned. Also don't know your situation, but might be a good idea to not over-focus on it and call undesirable attention. Not sure if your words matched your post or if you wrote it differently than you said it. Being mindful and staying focused on what you need sounds pretty normal. Be careful, don't look around, and get out asap are a bit more alarming. If I was feeling a need to tell my son that he needs to keep his eyes to himself, I'd be seriously considering if we should be there in the first place - in general.
Hatzlacha

138eagle wrote on 30 Jul 2024 15:39:

Does my child realize how much I'm guarding my eyes - probably not. Does he see me focused and not looking everywhere and perusing the entire store - I think yes, to some degree.

BenHashemBH wrote on 30 Jul 2024 15:58:

That makes sense, but is it a problem to mention something to them? Is it giving them an idea that there is something to look at?
In todays world the boys at the age of 8 - 12 are already hearing things and seeing things. I think that it is not an issue, and even a good thing to do just to say, we need to watch our eyes where we go and that when we go into a place like that there are challenges.

138eagle wrote on 30 Jul 2024 16:39:

Perhaps the time to have this talk is in a more general sense on a nice Shabbos afternoon stroll, not specifics and immediately before heading into the makom nisayon. What you say should try and be on the positive and motivating side. Instead of saying 'don't go down there' you say 'we belong up here'. 

It's more about boys maturing, but the sefer From Boys to Men is a good guide for how to speak to our children - what to say and how best to say it.

BenHashemBH wrote on 30 Jul 2024 16:51:

That is a great book. There is also a great thread here that discussed it.

Thank you all for your warm and encouraging words.

Ben Hashem your words about focusing on the positive are very powerful.