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TOPIC: Rebbi suffering 1508 Views

Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 07:13 #412722

I'm new to this forum but not new to the nisyonos discussed. I'm struggling with much of what is being discussed here, but with the added factor of being a relatively well respected maggid shiur in a mesivta. There are days that I go to Yeshiva feeling miserable about myself and the "faker" that I feel like. A recurring thought is "How in the world do you think you can come and say a shiur for choshuve bochrim after seeing and doing what you've done". At times I feel like It would be more appropriate for me to be a ba'al habos (no offense to Balebatim, just that  I feel that someone who is being madrich bochurim has to have a certain standard of Kedusha v'tahara). Yet I do have a Koach in saying a shiur and dealing with bochurim. I wanted to know if there are others in my matzav. Looking for chizuk...

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 10:21 #412723

  • excellence
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Hi,

There are many others who have experience similar to your own. Please reach out to michelgelner@gmail.com who has helped them and many others too.

Wishing you tremendous Hatzlacha.

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 11:48 #412726

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Welcome! There are many here who have been in your situation and have broken free. Remember that each action matters on its own, but it doesn't define you. If you can give good shiurim, your talmidim need you, and it's just your yetzer hara trying to disrupt that. 

Please check out these great free resources that can help:
The Battle of the Generation (life-changing book/ ebook).
The Fight (audio series).
LinkLinks are below in my signature.

Be'ezras Hashem, one day soon you will break free from this, and you will be able to help your talmidim with this too!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 12:24 #412727

  • frank.lee
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Welcome, Rebbi!

It is great that you feel the way you do, at least you realize it is wrong and you want to break free! 

Do you think that there are talmidim of yours who also are suffering from this addiction? What would you say to them if you suspected there was an issue or they confided in you?

Do you think they are bad ppl who don't have a place talking in learning on the base, davening for the Amud etc.?

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 14:11 #412732

  • jackthejew
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merryzebra74 wrote on 07 May 2024 07:13:
I wanted to know if there are others in my matzav. Looking for chizuk...

Welcome! hmmmmm.... I tried searching the forum for the words "Maggid Shiur" to see...
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/390141-Self-Doubts#390141
I am over 30 years old married with children and successful maggid shiur in a Yeshiva Gedolah
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/388203-Its-all-in-the-name#388203
 "This is eerie. A mechanech. A talmid chacham. Sought after maggid shiur. This is totally eerie."
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/387345-Niddah-after-childbirth#387350
P**** and M**** behind my wifes back. and living this terrible double life, of Kollel Avreich/ Maggid Shiur on one hand and selfish addict on the other.
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/250522-GYE-Convention#250522
Isn't it embarrassing for someone who is a teacher or maggid shiur??
guardyoureyes.com/forum/53-The-12-Step-Program/71580-struggles-thread#71846
 I am also a leader, a program initiater, a maggid shiur sometimes, a writer of divrei torah, etc.
guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/11956-macshefos-and-zonos#12545
I AM AN UPSATNDING FIGURE IN MY KEHILLA A GABBAI A MAGGID SHIUR A BAAL PARNASSA AND I HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY

So, overall, I'd say
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
Off the forum for now.
My Thread (Not for inspiration, but for random bits and pieces of my journey, as well as the inspiring responses of others: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/375514-Enough-is-Enough
jackthejewgye@gmail.com
There are tips, tools, and techniques, but there are no shortcuts.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx
Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable.-Voltaire
You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.- Abraham Lincoln
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.- Yogi Berra
"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." ~ Calvin
Last Edit: 07 May 2024 14:16 by jackthejew.

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 14:11 #412733

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My dear friend,

It hurts me to read about your pain but let me tell you that I always wanted my Rebbeim to show some vulnerability or at least sympathy to struggling bochurim, 99% of them put a straight back at if they don’t know what the word struggle means, and it hurt me and put in more isolation.

Yes, you are struggling and yes, you need kedusha v’tahara – we all need it no matter our career – hopefully sticking around here will help you gain a better self-image and you'll grow stronger and I bentch to continue your work while applying all that you will learn from your struggles to your talmedim.

As mentioned there are many people here that are in your position.

Best of luck,

You can win the fight, but I'll have to live with the loser.

Any excuse you use for yourself, you must be willing to use for your wife.

Not Always can I understand others, but I can always respect their wishes.

You're human, it's okay.

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 15:47 #412739

  • jackthejew
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merryzebra74 wrote on 07 May 2024 07:13:
I'm struggling with much of what is being discussed here, but with the added factor of being a relatively well respected maggid shiur in a mesivta. There are days that I go to Yeshiva feeling miserable about myself and the "faker" that I feel like. A recurring thought is "How in the world do you think you can come and say a shiur for choshuve bochrim after seeing and doing what you've done".

I feel very wary of writing to someone who definitely has forgotten much more toirah than I know, but I feel there is a Toieles, and I'm going to try to limit myself to what I've heard from my Rabbeim, Whether my Yeshiva Rabbeim, or the GYE Hanhala.
Although I'm sure you already know it, I'd like to bring up the Rabbeinu Yonah in Yesoid Hateshuva:

(Couldn't find the Loshon Koidesh online) A man who has transgressed and sinned and comes to seek refuge under the "wings of the Shechina" (Divine presence) and to enter the ways of repentance, I will instruct you and enlighten you in the way that you should go.

On that day, he should cast all his sins which he did, and consider himself as if he was born today, and he has neither merit nor fault. And this day is the beginning of his actions. Today he should weigh his ways, in order that his steps not veer from the good path. And this way will bring him to return a complete teshuva (repentance). Because he will make himself as if he has cast from his shoulders the heaviness of the sins which he did. Therefore his thoughts will not haunt and confuse him to prevent him from repenting because he is embarrassed of his sins. For [his thoughts] will tell him:"How could I be so brazen and repent, after I have sinned and transgressed, and I have done such and such, and doubled and tripled without end. How could I raise my face before Him like a thief which was caught, because I am embarassed to stand before Him. And also, how could I show myself in his courtyard (synagogue), how could I guard his laws?"

Don't think like this. Because the enticer (the evil inclination) sits like a fly in the chambers of the heart. He renews himself every day. He watches and waits to make him stumble, and he puts this evil advice in his heart (i.e. the destructive thoughts). Rather one should think: "because this is the mida (trait) of the Creator, yisbarach. His hand is outstretched to receive the penitent". Therefore it is good for him to cast off his sins and make for himself a new heart.



The first thing is to break the mindset of being down on one's self. Reb Chaim Shmulevitz would say in his Shmuzen that after an Aveira, "Don't do Tshuvah!" because the cycxle of feeling down and trying to make up for it never works and is part of the Atzas Hayetzer. Rather, a person should work on setting up Gedarim and planning how to ensure it doesn't happen again. Ideally, this process is easier especially in the beginning if it's done in a nearly irreligious context, leaving Aveiros and Yiras Shamayim out of it. That process of feeling down, crying, and telling ourselves that we had Emese Charata has in many cases unfortunately gotten us nowhere. Reb Yeruchem addresses this in a maamar as well, saying that this is not Me'inyan Charata B'chlal. Tshuvah and tikkunim can be dealt with later, at the proper time.
Off the forum for now.
My Thread (Not for inspiration, but for random bits and pieces of my journey, as well as the inspiring responses of others: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/375514-Enough-is-Enough
jackthejewgye@gmail.com
There are tips, tools, and techniques, but there are no shortcuts.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx
Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable.-Voltaire
You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.- Abraham Lincoln
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.- Yogi Berra
"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." ~ Calvin
Last Edit: 07 May 2024 15:48 by jackthejew.

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 16:47 #412742

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HI! My name is Eerie (some people call me Gimpel, btw). I've been chosen by JTJ to have a link to my thread posted above. Feel free to read it. And reach out. BOy do I know what you are talking about
My friend, as HHM wrote on my thread: Hold on, let's graduate this nisayon together, and you'll be a better mechanech for your effort too
My email is in my signature.
Stick around, learn the ropes, make some good friends, and beH you'll be on your way soon
Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com
Last Edit: 07 May 2024 16:48 by eerie.

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 17:31 #412743

Welcome to GYE, you've come to the right place.
It sounds like you are a great Rebbi, and you should continue if that's the case. There is an issue that needs to be addressed, and now is the time to deal with it. But that doesn't downplay what a great person you are!
The feelings that you describe are Oh so familiar. As a Rebbi as well, I know exactly what you're talking about. But there is hope. Here you can find words of encouragement, guidance, and support.
Hang on and Hang around!
Last Edit: 07 May 2024 17:32 by SisonYishecha.

Re: Rebbi suffering 07 May 2024 18:10 #412746

  • amevakesh
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Oy do I relate! The feelings of hypocrisy and worthlessness are compounded may times over when in a position of influence. Especially when looking at those precious Bochurim that you're saying Shiur to, knowing that many of them are more pure than you are yourself. Oh and the best, giving an impassioned speech about the beauty of Shmiras Ha'einayim, meaning every word of it, while tortured by the knowledge of of last nights browsing history etched clearly in your mind.
But, as has been echoed here before, when you break free from your struggles, you will be able to empathize, not only sympathize with those that confide in you. You'll be able to guide them from your own experience not just from conjecture, and that just might inspire them that much more.
Feel free to email me at amevakesh23@gmail.com
Last Edit: 08 May 2024 00:44 by amevakesh.

Re: Rebbi suffering 15 May 2024 15:17 #413402

  • proudyungerman
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Hey buddy, how are you doing? Everything ok?
Feel free to reach out and say hi!
proudyungerman@gmail.com
406-219-8398

My Journey:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/406231-The-Real-Me

Re: Rebbi suffering 31 May 2024 19:41 #414455

  • Muttel
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merryzebra74 wrote on 07 May 2024 07:13:
I'm new to this forum but not new to the nisyonos discussed. I'm struggling with much of what is being discussed here, but with the added factor of being a relatively well respected maggid shiur in a mesivta. There are days that I go to Yeshiva feeling miserable about myself and the "faker" that I feel like. A recurring thought is "How in the world do you think you can come and say a shiur for choshuve bochrim after seeing and doing what you've done". 

Hi Rebbi, hope all is ok with you. I'm in the same position as you being a Rebbi, having previously felt some self-hate.

Sticking around here, getting chizzuk from the olam here, especially HHM's accountability program, works wonders to make commitments stick. The resurgence of self-worth is critical to keep trucking.

Feel free to reach out to chat this through.

Here's wishing you tremendous hatzlacha and bracha, that you should break free of this menace - forever.

Muttel
We're in this struggle together; feel free to reach out! 
Muttel15@gmail.com

Feel free to call/text! (908) 251-9590 (google)

Check out my thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/413043-My-ENTIRE-story#413043
Last Edit: 31 May 2024 19:42 by Muttel.

Re: Rebbi suffering 10 Jun 2024 03:12 #414935

i M  NEW TO THIS SO NOT SURE IF THERE IS A WAY TO CONNECT IN PRIVATE, IF YES I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU       I CAN SHARE WITH YOU A STORY THAT I KNOW   VERY CLOSE TO ME

Re: Rebbi suffering 10 Jun 2024 03:22 #414936

In the same boat, I'm a Rebbe teaching the heiligeh Toirah. What a faker I am.... the same 2 facedness, horrible guilt feelings. BH on my way to a better place BeH. To quote "Hashem Help Me", think of it this way, a sensitive person is sensitive to people, AND sensitive to themselves. If you feel bad about what you are doing to the point that you were able to reach out to others for help, amazing. Thats a sensitivity. A person with this sensitivity will be more equipped to be sensitive to the needs of others (especially if you have a talmid going through a similiar nisayon).Maybe Hashem put YOU here with this nisayon because you are a Rebbe?
We are in this together.
You are a great person with lots of positives, don't let your challenge define you.

Re: Rebbi suffering 10 Jun 2024 03:28 #414937

Just curious, anyone who knows the numbers, can you tell the chevra what percentage of Rabbeim ages 45 and down do you think are in a similar boat as us?
We are in this together.
You are a great person with lots of positives, don't let your challenge define you.
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