I am over 30 years old married with children and successful maggid shiur in a Yeshiva Gedolah, Baal Tefila, good speaker on the way to becoming a posek, in short, on the outside considered successful.
I have been struggling with addiction of p+m since I'm seven years old, triggered from the ever slightest exposure, had ups and downs.
Recently I've realized that at the core I'm an addict.
I don't know why but I feel like I need to make this introduction/confession on this forum, perhaps for the need of social support, and not feeling lonely in this journey.
Am I alone, or is my inborn addiction normal just like by other people?
One final question, the Yeshiva I'm in has a weak internet filter on their computers, I almost feel like quitting (and being left without a job) because of the problems this is making for me.
What shall I do?

m111 wrote on 27 Dec 2022 23:47:

Welcome to the fight!

You are not alone by any stretch of the imagination, and you've taken the first step in this battle by recognizing the problem and committing to fight it. 

If I may, I don't think anyone-INCLUDING YOURSELF-has an inborn "addiction." Many people have an inborn DESIRE for this filth, which in turn creates an addiction. But don't think of yourself as a "natural addict." What you are is a natural fighter.

A natural fighter in the sense that despite struggling with this monster for as long as you have, you haven't thrown in the towel, and you've just taken one of the biggest steps yet. It's not going to be easy. There'll be tough spots, and it's not going to change overnight. But we-and more importantly, the Ribono Shel Olam-are here for you every step of the way.

Welcome to GYE, my friend. 

FWF

I just wrote a long response here and I accidentally clicked delete. Does anybody know how to recover the original post

Hi! I thought at first that you were writing my story, I'm pretty new here myself, 30+, maggid shiur, baal tefilla, etc. Welcome to the family! We all care for you, we want to hear from you, so keep posting! I see you are on the way to become a posek, but don't pasken just yet that you're an addict. And I don't think there's such a thing as inborn addiction, there's inborn taaveh, there's inborn urge, desire. One thing I'm sure of is that you are NOT alone! there are many just like you, and there are people that have been exactly in the same spot that you are and became much better. Feel free to reach out by PM or email me at 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com. You can take back your life! Stick around here, there are many amazing things to learn here on the forum and many tools available to help you soar. 
About your Yeshiva computer, I had the same issue...In my case it belonged to one of the staff members, he allowed anyone to use it and left it in the office, and he couldn't understand why it needed a filter, since only staff members had the password to get into the computer. I had no way of explaining it. But boy did it need a filter, I probably fell on that device more than on any other. But then another rebbe, who hardly ever used it, noticed that it didn't have a filter. And he insisted that the owner put a filter, claiming that sometimes the boys might be able to get on to the computer. Why did that rebbe have the power to insist and get it done, while I didn't? Because I was guilty, and I felt that if I would push too hard I would become a suspect. But the other rebbe, he had nothing to hide, so he insisted that it be filtered and he got his way. In yiddish there's a saying "oifen ganav brent de hittel". So what did I learn? That I really could have insisted, and nobody would have known. I don't know if that works for you, but maybe, just maybe you can insist?
I also wondered if I should leave my job, because I'm not enough ehrlich, but I learned here not to think that way. Keep in touch, my friend! And keep trucking!

Welcome aboard!

Kick your shoes off, make yourself comfortable... here it's sometimes an oilem hufech, the maggid shiur listens to a trucker.... (AKA a GYE slang, for someone who's trucking along on the road to sobriety).

I wouldn't recommend quitting your job, as i don't think it's the solution to this issue, it is probably necessary to take some steps to limit access to the laptop, but if your ready to take drastic steps, it should be on  the inward rather then on outside prevention.

Welcome!

Please check out these great free resources:
ebook- The Battle of the Generation
Audio series- The Fight
They're very good to start with.
See below in my signature for the links.

Hatzlocha!

Welcome. Your story is unfortunately more common than you think. Hang around here and get to know the chevra. Iyh we will help you say goodbye to these behaviors.

Also, in regards to the filter - you should, of course bring it up, albeit with as much tact as you can muster. If the roof has a hole in it, you fix it. If the window is broken, can you fix it. If the foundation is cracking, you fix it. If the filter is broken, you fix it or replace it.

Don’t think you are struggling alone. If you are struggling, others are also struggling. It may very well be that the person who controls the filter needs you to come and tell them that it needs to be reinforced. The person who is in control of the device might not have the courage to do what needs to be done. You can save someone’s life this way, not just your own.

Thank you to all for your reply's.
Especially "Oifen ganev brent dus hittel"
I'm also getting to see that its not just about willpower (which I think I already have to a certain extent), but about making an inner change.

m111 wrote on 29 Dec 2022 13:10:

One of the fundamental concepts of the 12 step program is that as long as we remain the same people inside, we will just keep fighting ourselves. Through the steps, we learn to behave differently - i.e. that we should not have to resort to acting out with lust when stress, pride, fear,       and life (with its many bumps) hits us. We can't remain the same people that we were before. "Knowledge" we have already. Instead, we need an inner change. As we fix our spiritual condition and learn  how to do Hashem’s work rather than our own, Hashem gives us a reprieve from our insanity, one day at a time.

DavidT wrote on 29 Dec 2022 14:22:

I was followin' every word until I got to one of the last words: "reprieve."
Is it like a bonus?
God says, "You do yours and I'll give you a treat."
I opened my pocket-sized blue book (ironically known as the big book) and turned to step 10 on page 85. Sadly, I read these books many times, and more, worked the steps, went to meetin's, sponsored folks, conducted calls for several years, was sponsored by several, but I never really 'lived' the steps. 
So without commentary, I will quote somethin' taken loosely from Bill James, not to be confused with Dr. Bill (Wilson), although the good Dr. does consider him a co-founder: Step ten advises the alcoholic to continue, “to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” That combined with the previous actions, leads us to “the world of the spirit” and strongly urges the daily, repetitive practice of this “way of living.”  Without this daily practice the text tells the alcoholic that they are vulnerable to returning to alcohol use.   “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” 

cordnoy wrote on 29 Dec 2022 14:42:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." ~ AA page 83

I haven't posted about myself for a while.
First I've come to realize that I don't have an addiction. What seemed to me as an addiction is really a very deeply ingrained bad habit. I mean having a tendency to seek enjoyment or a soother/relax from porn/inappropriate images and/or masturbation is just that, a tendency. It's not even like addiction to a coffee in the morning that I can't manage without (my head will hurt and I can't think at the same capacity without the coffee). Just because the urges are so strong that they drive me nuts doesn't mean that I'm addicted.
My urges are sometimes so strong that I feel like pulling the hair out of my head literally without exaggeration, or grinding my teeth, grunting, feeling like I don't know what to do with myself.
I now think this is still in the realm of normalcy.
Can anyone share any insight/experience on this?

Dear R' m11,

Firstly, Welcome home. You have made a tremendous step in the right direction.

Secondly, it is imperative that you realise that you are a normal individual, who struggles with something that many others do too. Many of us here are in similar situations to your own.

and most importantly, I strongly urge you to reach out for help on the phone. The forum is very helpful, but my experience here tells me that it won't be enough for you. On the phone to the right guys you can truly begin to uncover your real self, and get on the right track. (pm me for some ideas).

One last point: If you've been struggling from such a young age, then many Rabbonim hold that you are Begeder Tinok Shenishbo, so stop focusing on the past, rather focus on your bright future ahead, and one day with HKBH help you will be guiding and helping many others too,

Love excellence.

(This might trigger you, so don't read if you are at risk today)
OK chevra
The urges are getting stronger.
My brain wants sugar sweet calming drug.
It's craving the brain relaxing numbness induced by porn.
My brain is already anticipating and feeling the brain zap that the screen gives.
I feel like diving head first into a pool of high fructose corn syrup (read -electron charged phosphorus and silicon), and sink to the bottom.
My heart is pumping.
My ever habris has a constant sensation 
It's itching.
Relax
I'll be fine.

Can anyone feel me?