i watched some p*** today for the first time in a couple months...

i started with p***, erotic lit, and mast*** probably when i was around 15, 16 i guess.
I started to mast*** mostly on shabbos afternoons thinking about girls (jewish girls in my neighborhood, etc.). did i realize this was wrong? was there a struggle back then? No. It felt very pleasurfl and i did not think anything of it. at a certain point i probably started regretting it; why am i mstrbting? I am wasting my time on shabbos. I dont think, though, that those feelings were like: this is assur and im still doing it. It was more like "O I feel a little unclean now"

I guess the lowpoint was when i just started fantacizing long stories of sedcution with girls- again girls in shul, my sisters friends, my friend's sisters, the list is quite long unfortunately. in fact there are few girls i can think of in my neighborhood that i have not 'mstrbted to' at one time or another.

Another

another lowpoint is the following:

i even strtd thinking about married frum women. Mother's of my friend's even! Its horrifying but its true.

EVEN this is disgusting- my own aunt, one time! thats how low i was but I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT SO MUCH. it was a regular pleasurful experience. i lived for the stories also, sometimes reveling in the storylines more than the actual act itself.

my grandmother had romance novels in her house which did not help my ruchniyus at all to say the least. then i startedlooking in the lib for them.

my friends once showed me some playboy pictures. this was not so long ago, maybe 2 or 3 years ago. i wasnt fazed and i looked.

whereevr i went i thought about females. another thing i guess i can mention is that i always mstrbt(d) not with my hand, but face down.

p*** was mostly when my parents were not home. many times i was so scraed they would find out. one time my father came into school and took me home angrily. i thoiught it was the p*** that they perhaps found. it was something else and i was releieved.

not sure when exactly i found out it was wrong and assur, etc. prob at some point in 12th grade before i went to yeshiva. i thought that i would stop in yeshiva, but i didnt not even my second year i continued.

not everyday i mean. Im sporadic. sometimes it was/is once or twice a week. sometimes less than that. ive had long streaks of clean before (a month).

today as i mentioned i watched some p***. it was only 5 minutes but there was no struggle there.

my name is yaakov btw

Hey Yaacov,

I hope that you had a pleasant day. The root of our problems seem to be the same but we act out in different ways. I'm sure that you feel a sense of relief now that it's "in the open" (at least I do). There is a lot I learned about myself by writing my letter.

Just as a side note, If I'm not mistaken, we were asked to focus on the past and not so much on the present. In other words, we shouldn't be expressing our current frustrations (victories and failures) on this forum (i.e that you watched porn today etc.). I may be wrong here and if I am, please correct me.

May we all be zoche to grow together.

Avraham. 

P.S From the looks of it, you may be better off with a filter 

ur right

1) i just had to mention the p; it doesnt happen everyday

2) ive realized its not so simple setting up a filter on every computer in ur house (blocks allowable websites, people get suspicious, etc.)

==> Over what, exactly, am I powerless? Pornography and masturbation and erotica lit.

==> I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. cheap looks at p...


==> How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example: Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)

passive to a point...i feel myself getting frozen. i just do the lusty thing, dont even think twice.

==> Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How? Not applicable to me (still single).

==> Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like? ive tried  many times
==> How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others? My addiction caused me to focus on myself. I hurt myself by wasting time and perhaps my connection with hashem. I’ll be hurting other people if I don’t stop (my future wife and children).

Unmanageability


==> What does unmanageability mean to me? At times, I feel like I’m living a double life which makes me feel worthless. I also believe that it was not my responsibility to take care of my addiction; it is my wife’s responsibility to satisfy my needs.

==> What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction? What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction? I didn’t have trouble with my family but my addiction interfered with my productivity levels at school and at work.

==> Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships? I’m not married yet N/A.

==> Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Yes, I accept responsibility for my life and my actions.

Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life? Depends on the “responsibilities’ but I can always do better and want to be more productive.

==> Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life? No.

==> Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life? When the YH temtpts me, I feel it and I follow it blindly. I know he's pushing me to places I will regret but...IDK

==> Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life? No.

==> Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe. No. I dont think so.
==> Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe. No.

==> Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe. No.

==> Did I act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress? I dont feel that I mstrbt bec I have stress. many times I ms******* and I feel good. Rather, I think I am simply addicted to the sensual pleasure.
Surrender

==> Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence? At this point, I am working on not being MZL. One step at a time.

==> Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender? No.

==> Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender? No. I must surrender in order to recover. Living in denial is not a solution.

Spiritual principles

If I've been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else? I’ve shared it on the forum. I tried getting a sponsor. I have told my grandfather, a psychologist, as well as my former Rav. I have had meetings with my college counselor.

==> Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had freedom from active addiction? Yes.

==> In what ways am I practicing open-mindedness? I kinda trust the members here that suggest that marriage won’t solve my problems, but not 100% convinced of that.

==> Am I willing to go to meetings regularly? Yes, IYH.

==> Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways? Yes. a) sleep on wodden floor (check out my latest post on 'struggle continues' thread in Break Free)
==> Do I believe that I'm a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my addiction? No.

Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between? I am not sure if my addiction affects anyone else. Is it supposed to?

==> Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society as whole? What is that sense? Yes. I’m a good son, brother, and friend and mean a lot to them. I am also a leader, a program initiater, a maggid shiur sometimes, a writer of divrei torah, etc.

==> How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step? I’m accepting my failures and I’m surrendering.

==> Have I made peace with the fact that I'm an addict? My counselor at school wasnt sure if I qualify to be an addict, but I think I am.

==> Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay clean? Yes, but I dont know yet exactly what I have to do for the steps process.

==> How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery? The only way for me to recover is to realize that I’m addicted. I won’t be able to work on the solution if I feel that I’m in control.

copied from installed...need to finish up at another time. the top stuff is mine

StrugglingGuy wrote on 22 Jun 2010 03:13:
Even though you agreed with him (so I am clearly not judging what you wrote in a negative sort of way at all) I'll share with you that many people have said that while they did the work needed to distance themselves from some old habits, new ones started to creep in to take their place, to their dismay. We like many others folks, cannot afford to be paranoid nor panicky, and must go with trust in our recovery and eventually in Hashem. But taking measures like honesty and regular sharing/posting and homest open tefilah to Hashem - these are the best insurances we have for staying safe while our diseased way of living is getting 'phased out'.

Just common sense, really.

So a filter may be a good reminder that we are not even here to play with the internet, of all things. I, for example, cannot use the internet for my entertainment, at all, so I don't.
A filter helps us remember that, and keeps us a step away, I guess, though it will obviously not stop us from using schmutz should we decide to. 

Hey,

I haven't seen you here for a while. I hope that you are doing well!

Have a great shabbos,

Avraham.

BH everyone, I am pretty good.

Less computer time for me for these summer weeks. I am learning in a kollel most of the day.

I think this is a good thing!

have a great shabbos everyone and keep fighting.

ps- I have the felt the power of dov's "dont think about it." I have 'forced' myself to learn many hours a day and the torah has limited my lust. I dont think about fighting it anymore, 90% of the time I am free of that.

BH!!

Wow, sounds so much better than sleeping on a wooden floor! I should really also distract myself with torah...

Have a great shabbos, and enjoy shtaygin

I fell unfortunately the other night, but I am proud of myself- I think I had about 2 weeks of sobriety before that!

dont underestimate the value of a wooden floor also. I cant do it here, unfortunately- I am not home...

Grrrrrr.......

Sorry to hear about your fall! Sounds like you have the right attitude and that you're back on your feet again. You won't be able to sleep on the floor all your life. Hopefully you'll be able to overcome this while sleeping on a comfortable bed. Just as a side note, try sleeping on your side, and avoid sleeping/resting on your stomach. I used to sleep on my back but I changed my position to my side for this same reason. You'll get used to it in no time (you may need a new pillow).

Keep on shtaigin!!!

the problem isn't getting triggered by sleeping on my stomach- which could be rectified by sleeping on my side (which i do anyway).
it is the urge to m* which causes me to turn over

Yep, this is extremely difficult but we will overcome this. There are many people that had a stronger addiction than us and they overcame it with the 12 steps. It sounds like you are in a great environment so try to get chizuk from it. I built gedarim to keep my hand away  :, if the wooden floor is not an option, try to make a new gader to stay clean.

Davening for you and all the group. Yaacov, keep strong!!