Hey,

My wife and I are expecting a baby (not our first)! 
Very Exciting! BH!
But also VERY nervousing!
8 weeks! (probably more) is a long time to know that I cant even get close to my wife!
after the birth we will be moving into inlaws who have unfiltered internet and full cable TVs.
last time was really bad. i was P***ing and M***ing in middle of the night even though I was OVER exhausted! 

I have had challenges with P**** and M**** for some time now....
recently my wife found out... thats a whole story on its own... 

only difference this time around is I'm 90 days clean and my wife knows, but I'm scared!! 

What are your thoughts?

First of all b'sha'a tova 
www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/537403/jewish/Do-You-Wish-Mazal-Tov-to-a-Pregnant-Woman.htm

Second, im sure there are many like you in the same situation.
Please post your fear and maybe your story and we will all try to give chizzuk on this.

Personally I would suggest you speak to HHM. 
Also if you have an accountability chaver, that might help as well.
By posting regularly and staying on this site will help as well.

I had the same issue after one of my kids. I totally understand how you feel.

Possibly spend more time with your wife leading up to the birth. During the 8 weeks, show her how much you care and connect with her on an emotional level, which will bring to much closeness and a willingness to go the the mikvah afterwards. 

YOu mentioned that she found out. Well by connecting with her it can help as well

Again We are hear for you, so please stay connected 
and may we share good news soon

EYES

Amen! Thank you!

Thanks for helping me clarify.
I am scared that I'm going to fall right back to where i was just a short 90 days ago.
P**** and M**** behind my wifes back. and living this terrible double life, of Kollel Avreich/ Maggid Shiur on one hand and selfish addict on the other.

My Story (in very short): I'm almost 30, married with 2 kids (expecting 3rd).  i've had ups and downs of all kinds in areas of P*** and M****. sometimes did some foolish desperate things in order to satisfy my desires.
I'm an Avreich, and a big member of my community.  I come from a healthy loving family. 
(here's the shocking thing though:) I never had an issue with p*** or anything until I was 4 years out of high school!!! 
came back to parents house with unfiltered internet, and took some time but 1 thing leads to another and I was hooked on watching things I shouldnt. and eventually M**** with my hands.
somehow got clean for long enough to feel like i"m ready to get married.
got married and my wife was my "fix" for a long time. maybe until my first baby came. Then, I couldn't be with her and my desires were through the roof! so I fell.
once that happened I hadnt really been able to stay clean for very long. 
after 2nd baby's birth was even worse! was just a constant cycle of P*** and M****, and guilt and putting up a facade of Tatte/avreich.
I always wanted to get out of it. i didnt think I needed GYE for a while. thought I could get free alone. so I dropped out of the site for a LONG time.
Until my wife found out! so i cant keep fooling myself! Change has to be made! so i need you guys! 

I am now almost 100 days clean!!
but I know that i can fall right back to where i was before ( or even further) if I'm not careful

Shulim alaychem! There is an amazing guy that really helps and helped thousands …. R’ eyes mentioned him and I also highly recommended you reach out to him to he’s called Hhm you can email him at

michelgelner@gmail.com
he really helped me with real help I was on this site for like 3 months till I finally reached out to him… why should you have to wait so long to get the real help u need get  help before you brake your beautiful record c’v!
hatzlachah rabbah!!

What does HHM stand for?



I will definetly contact him. based on your Haskama 

 

It’s short for hes user name- Hashem help me

thx for your  haskumah on my haskumah:wink:

btw hope Hhm has more than 24 hours in he’s day cause if not were all in trouble…

Hi my dear friend
I want to write something but im scared from a outbreak from others that will judge me and my words, but I'll write it anyway because it may help you, and I hope that it will come out right, and people will understand it the right way.
I my self found that since my wife know about my struggles, she is the most affective help to help me, when we keep our closeness on the right path, i feel satisfied and purity, so I don't feel the need to Rundgren something else, when a nisoyoin comes up here and there i stay strong and I have the koach to just go further without acting on it, and without giving that other look.
even on days she is not clean we can holdo on to our closness with the guidelines of the torah, that says the time of nidah is build up a better relationship between the two of us (כדי שתהא אהובה על בעלה כיום כניסתה לחופה) therfore I can feel so close to her even when she is not clean.
we can discuss my nisyoinois, I can tell her when something comes up, and get her support.
and in such situations iI would recommend you to open it up with your wife and together you will be able to go through these weeks clean.

I don't tell anybody to tell his wife about his struggles, since this can take him to a different reaction, full with pain and even worse, I just mentioned that if she already knows than she will be the most affective chaver to help you, like chazal says דיינו שמצילות אותנו מן החטא

trying11211 wrote on 07 Nov 2022 05:38:

Love this!! Your so right…. I wrote abt this a few times in my post on the bal habatem  forum check it out. But you wrote it so clear! Amazing!!

trying11211 wrote on 07 Nov 2022 05:38:

Thank you for sharing your experience, and no need to be scared we can all disagree and still respect one another.
With that being said , I would point out from what I’ve heard from over the years on this forum, it’s not always a good idea for the wife to be the chaver and it’s sometimes a very bad one. Remember no wife or relationship are the same.
You should continue to have Hatzlacha 

Btw we see from here how important it is to protect our own kids!! First and most important thing abt being a good tatte and mommy is that you should never ever have a unfiltered device in your home and the filter should be the best … like I have netfree which is hell for my wife she can’t shop etc. but she’s maskim to go to kiosk ( in bp there are many bh) so she can show H’ she’s trying to watch her kids( husband ) and h’ will do the rest bhy! Cause u can’t really protect today but if you show ur doing urs( even if it’s hard or uncomfortable etc.)  H’ will do he’s bhy and ull have happy erlichah kindrlach that don’t have to go through what we had to…
like? Maskim? Hit the thank you please!

Thank you  trying11211SOOOO MUCH!! thats big Chizuk and also good outlook on the new developments of the challenge. 

2 thoughts on what you wrote: 
1) I have noticed that when we are allowed to be together I try to be extra nice to her. but it comes easy because I am hoping that I'll get some phsyical reward later. But when she's in Niddah I find myself just talking business-like with her, not as lovingly..... It kinda shows myself (and she also hinted to it a few times) that all I want is to "get in her pants". 
its a good outlook that you are saying that time of Niddah is really when can build the closeness of the relationship in the way Hashem WANTS it to be during that time. Ie without phsical touch, an emotional closeness through words and actions. 
I must develop that language more and not be as self-centered on just sex.

2) Tonight I decided based on what you said, to tell my wife that when I see her nurse, its a trigger for me, and I dont know what to do about it. she was very touched by it and she is very happy to be cognisant of it

Thank you 

I dont know if my wife would be a good "chaver"....
atleast not if Chas Vishalom I'm Nichshal

Icanbreakfree wrote on 08 Nov 2022 01:16:

As I wrote i don't tell anybody to take his wife as a chaver, since it can harm the relationship more than help, in some situations, therefore you need a lot of seyate dishmaye and be very careful how and when to share it with her.
the only thing I wrote that in my situation, this is the waway I see it by me, and for me thisnwas the biggest help.
of course thi is only since our relationship is a healthy relationship, not build on having sex together, only on a real inner loving relationship and feeling each other, that brings to a feeling that no matter what's going on she is always here for me, just like I'm always here for here, no matter how hard it will be

Hi,
I hope you are doing well, Have you got a boundary list set up of things you can't do? This is very important, when you break a barrier it is for sure that you are starting on that path to falling, for me, my barriers are that I can't watch TV, others say that they can't watch TV alone, not staring at people on the street, not standing idle on the street, not going on a website for the purpose of lust only for work...
If you notice you cross a boundary report it to this forum or a chaver/Rebbi. NOT YOUR WIFE.
Then if you are experiencing any resentments, fears, lusts, share with us the situation in a sentence whether it may be actually or potentially effecting your ego, parnassah, relationship with spouse or other,
Then pray for the person/s involved, 
note why you may be to blame for the situation 
Pray and subjugate yourself to HaShem.
This is a program by the 12 steps, Works wonders, just look up step ten proforma
All the best

This is the official one, Behatzlacha
*Step 10**Name:**Situation* _ (upto 19 words)_*My .... was affected*× _Ambitions_ -× _Personal relations_ -× _Sex_ -× _Security_ (Emotional/Physical/Financial)× _Self -Esteem_ -*Prayer*God, perhaps ______ is spiritualy sick, just like me.Grant me the power to show them the same patience, tolerance and mercy I would happily show a sick friend.How can I help them?*Save me from anger and resentment, Thy will be done.**Where am I wrong?:*× _Self-centeredness_ -× _Fear_ -× _Selfish gain _ -× _Dishonest_ -_(Share with another, request feedback/defects i missed)__Am I entirely ready for God to remove from me all my defects of character?_God, I am ready for you to take all good and bad from me.I pray that you remove from me all defects of character which prevent me from being of benefit to You and my fellows.Thy will be done.