Just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. In case it isn't obvious, it's evident by all of the posts here over the last weeks, reaching a crescendo over the past few days, that Elul-Tishrei is extremely challenging lust-wise. It seems that we're all looking for a brief respite from the intensity and pressure. For myself at least, I find my eyes dwelling a bit longer then usual where they shouldn't, thoughts come with more frequency, and spending a bit too much time online, as if I'm hoping to find something. So a bit of slipping. It doesn't feel good. It gets me down. And yet, B"H, NO FALLS! Thanks to you, my friends, both those whom I've called and those whom I haven't yet called, and of course HHM's accountability program, this year is different. Thank you!! That is all.

iwantlife wrote on 08 Oct 2024 19:13:

I feel exactly the same way... Elul and Tishrei are extremely difficult for me. As if I have an alergic reaction to spirituality. I grew up with a very "heavy" father, constant mussar etc. Which makes me feel so rebellious. I cbb davening, I HATE the selichos... (and when I skip selichos then I feel guilty about it. Especially since my son gets up every morning early and goes to selichos lol.)
So yeah... wish it was Chanukah already...
But BH no falls. That's the main thing.

I always needed an escape during Elul. Usually would act out on tzom gedalya just to relieve the tension.

Bh my Elul is different now. Acting out is no longer an option and Elul is not as stressful. Getting up in the early morning for selichos is much easier when you feel very good yourself.

It is a good idea to remember that it is not all or nothing when it comes to davening. If you can find a sentence or two that are meaningful to you focus on that and make those sentences your special connection. With time you can build on that.

עננו יודע יצר עננו...
These words just jumped out at me today during selichos

These are powerful words indeed, very helpful in the context of the אוי לי מיוצרי, אוי לי מיצרי. If only I hadn't come late to selichos today, I might've noticed them too!

iwantlife wrote on 09 Oct 2024 01:17:

You mean I'm not the only one who comes late (only sometimes, obvs) to selichos?!?!?

I'm a nobody (no need to spell it out) but I haven't made it to selichos yet this season (combination of good excuses and I don't like the way my shul does it)

TBH, while physically I have attended selichos services this season, I often feel that I too have 'yet to make it to selichos'.. Pretty much banking on the שמע קולנו at the end..

Honestly, right now I have hit that point in the High Holiday season when I'm like...ok, when's this over? Do I really have to go to selichos again?
Oh wait, I'm supposed to be doing teshuva...oh right, yeah, I'll get back to that, maybe soon. I hope.
That's where I am now...

And that's ok, cause I am growing.

So it looks like my 90th day clean will, Iy"H, be Yom Kippur. That does work out rather nicely! What's particularly nice is that this year is different. This year, when I beg for forgiveness, it's without that harsh feeling of inevitability, rather with feelings of hope. This year, when I cry, it will less about myself and my feelings of being an abject failure, and more about my aveiros, and feelings of yearning to be closer. This year, Yom Kippur will mark the actual day when I ease myself away from the habit that has held me prisoner so long, and hopefully replace it with better ones. This year, I'm not overwhelmed by a feeling of loneliness in my struggle, instead I will have you all, my friends, in mind throughout the day. This year was the year of GYE, and my life will never be the same. 

With feelings of love and gratitude, 
iwantlife

Wow wow wow! What a way to enter Yom Kippur. You are a lucky man! 
Don't forget to celebrate!!!
I'm dancing for you!!!

Keep going strong!

Gmar Chasimah Tovah!

Mazel tov! 

I'd lift a glass of woodford to join your simcha, but that's difficult to do on Yom Kippur. I'll take an extra sniff of besamim in your honor though!

And I really like the attitude toward your new Yom Kippur experience. May you go m'cheil el cheil to a year of endless trucking!

Ah gut moed! I just wanted to share some growth from iwantlifeville with the oilam. I never appreciated till this sukkos just how common the 'chol hamoed trip struggle' was. That it's a shared battle itself has given me chizuk. To my pleasant surprise, B"H, though the past 2 days have been spent mingling with wonderful Yiddishe families and their beautifully made up and attired female members, I had a much easier time, and was able (for the most part) to simply see and move on, not to focus on anyone too long. While I wasn't perfect, the most pleasant part of it all was the indicator that I'd done a pretty good job, and that is w/ regard to my dear wife. Normally, after spending a few hours with roaming eyes, by the end of the outing I'd be grumpy at her, frustrated with how she didn't look as perfect / dressed up / made up as whomever I'd just been looking at. This time, there was no feeling of resentment. On the contrary, I have a clear memory of glancing at her and thinking how beautiful she looked. So thank you, again, oilam haGYE, for giving me, on top of a nice trip, this wonderful feeling. One of the biggest motivators for me in this journey is to appreciate my unbelievable wife more, and yesterday was yet another step!

Humbly,
iwantlife

Ah Gezunte Vinter everyone! I'd like to share with you today a cautionary tale of אל תאמין בעצמך, as well as the power of accountability that comes with GYE. If you read my thread, there's a clear trajectory: a high from the initial excitement, to a crash on the rocks of reality, to a steady climb after discovering HHM, his accountability program, and the power of friends. A GYE fairytale really. And it has been pretty amazing. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever be north of 100 days clean. But the YH never gives up, he has an endless supply weaponry. Last night, he almost sent me back to the Stone Age..

There I was, catching up on emails, news, GYE forum etc, at my dining room table. My wife had gone off to bed, and the house was quiet. Normally, I'd turn in as well, but I'd gotten a late nap, and wasn't tired yet. So it was past 12, and I was on my computer. Now I don't know what got into me. I had just finished doing teshuva, sitting in the sukkah, uplifting hakafos. Maybe it was that sad feeling of Yom tov coming to an end. The sinking feeling of going back to the pressures of life, deadlines etc. The fact that my wife was assur the whole yuntif. Probably a little of everything. All I can say is, I started searching. The old habit of filter poking came back, first in a trickle, then growing to a roaring river of desire. That (not so familiar anymore, but not strange enough) feeling of being not in control, like 'this is what I need to do now', overcame me. And it all almost​ came crashing down. I was heading full speed down the slippery slope towards Porn Abyss. I'm sure you've been there. As someone who is a little too 'techie' , I was getting a high, first from getting around Webchaver, then poking and poking till I found a hole in my filter, and שאול התחתית was available, right in front of me.

It was only then, with any website I wanted at my fingertips, that I came to a screeching halt. Why? There were a few reasons on my mind, including that I recognized in the moment that I didn't want to fall. But that wasn't enough. It never was. When you're this far in, it's usually too late. What stopped me was accountability. To HHM, and to my friends, all of you, and in particular those I speak to on a regular basis. I couldn't let them down, let myself down. Honestly, I was plain embarrassed. And it did the trick. I ignored the YH whispering to me things like 'You already did all these searches, may as well open a website', and 'Just one fall after 100 days, really not a big deal' etc, I slammed my laptop shut and jumped into bed. It wasn't easy, but I eventually fell asleep, still clean.

Why am I sharing this story? First of all, for honesty's sake. I don't want people to think that the thread from iwantlifeville is just one of constant, effortless positivity. I almost fell, hard. I definitely got a few scrapes. It hurts. Second, mussar for myself. I've B"H been doing well. I even began to help others here. TBH, I probably started to get a little too confident. Definitely got complacent. Never a good idea. I want to highlight my practical mistakes, and what I'll do to correct them. First, I should never have been online this late. I'm never productive past 11 pm. IY"H this week, by 11 I will be offline. Also, I have friends now. I should reach out when I sense danger. I've never tried it but it seems to be a basic move. Although it was late. Guess I gotta make some more friends, and from other time zones. EY maybe? Maybe I should order a hard copy of TBOTG, I haven't read the pdf in weeks. Bring some passion back. Finally, I could use chizzuk. Plain and simple. I thought I was done with porn, that I'm not that person. And I guess it's still true. But I see porn (the YH) isn't done with me. Either way, any tips, critique, encouragement etc are greatly appreciated.

Grateful to still be clean,
iwantlife

Thanks for sharing, amazing. 
You ARE a different person now. BH you were able to catch yourself. Keep it up!