Hi. I grew up pretty close minded. I actually discovered masturbation without actually knowing what I was doing. I just knew it felt good, and kept doing it. I was 12 at the time. Only a year later did I finally comprehend what happens in the bedroom, and realized what I was doing was the male action. At that point I was addicted, and ashamed. I knew I needed to break the habit, but it was stronger than me. When I entered 9th grade, I made up in my mind I won't masturbate. That lasted pretty short. Going forward, there were many times, I told myself I must stop, but stop I couldn't. Masturbating actually led to breathing issues, but the addiction was too strong. In order to climax i needed to think pornagrahic thoughts which just filled my head with more garbage. I don't recall the first time I saw porn, but I do remember where and what. Those memories don't go away sadly. Thank goodness I didn't have much access or I probably would've been even a bigger mess. I remember when I went to learn in Eretz Yisroel, telling myself the journey of masturbating must end. I came summer zman and lasted until the Shabbos after Shavous. I still can recall the feeling of utter helplessness and worthlessness when i fell and masturbated. I felt so deflated. I continued to have up's and downs, but did not succeed in kicking the addiction. I came back from Eretz Yisroel and got engaged relatively quickly. Of course I told myself once I'm married this problem is gone. After all I'll have a wife. How naive and foolish I was. I don't recall the first time I masturbated after marriage, but it felt awful. I felt and continue to feel like I'm betraying my wife. I wish I could come clean with her, but she would never understand. Once I got more internet access porn became more added to the problem. No matter how many times i filtered my devices I always seem to find another way to watch. But BH I've been more controlling on porn than masturbation. I don't fall to often to porn. Because I've trained my mind to think pornagraphic thought to reach a climax though, my mind is full of them, and by habit reverts to those thoughts when bored, which makes me sick. I have a hard time looking at women, because my mind goes straight to thinking about their body. I wish to kill this devil for once and for all and live the right way, without this terrible addiction. I hope that this site will help me get there! Let's go, and let go!

HI!
This is the place to be, my friend! Read around, check out the resources, and beH you'll see that you can put an end to all this garbage
I saw you posted on the other thread that you'd love to speak to someone. Try HHM michelgekner@gmail.com, or chaim.Oigen@gmail.com, or muttel15@gmail.com. My friend, trust me, you won't regret it. And you are right in assuming that it will help. Only it won't just help. It will change everything! 
Hatzlacha!

eerie wrote on 08 Sep 2024 06:28:

Just a quick note: HHM's email is michelgelner@gmail.com (Gelner, not Gekner)

whywatch wrote on 08 Sep 2024 04:25:

Yes there’s phenomenal material available. Ebooks videos. Check them
out 

Welcome,
We're in this together, and we grow together. 
Keep on posting.

Welcome brother! 

I remember posting my first post asking for direction in this struggle... I never imagined that I'll find it, but I did, right here! 

If you feel comfortable, reach out to the above-mentioned mentors who will fill you with warmth and fire to rid yourself of the struggle. 

We're in this together!!!!

KOT 

- Yiftach'l 

Welcome, friend. 
Hope lives here. 

Look around, read some threads. People have been sunk so deep in the more, and they have broken free. They are living with joy and Tahara. 

You can too! It’s going to take work. But it will be, if you want it, with Siyata Dishmaya.

This road is easier to walk when  you’re together with friends, not alone. 

Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen 

Good evening! I posted late Motzei Shabbos my story. It was the very first time ever sharing my story and struggle with someone else, and it has been so therapeutic. It feels like I've been let free. I finally let out a secret that has been bottled up within me for 17+ years. The secret filled me with shame and worthlessness. Opening the bottle and letting it put, felt so good. 
I am not fooled though. I am sure a day will come soon where I will ache for p&m, and I will need all your support than.  But knowing I'm on the road to freedom,  feels great.
If you haven't written your story. If you haven't shared your story. Do so! It's worth it! Even if you don't want to share it publicly here yet. At least write it down on pen and paper. Get it out from inside you. Keep growing!

Yes, get your story out!

However, if I can humbly suggest, don’t stop there! Connection with others here is a super powerful tool to grow and maintain your new heights achieved. It’s the secret to sustained success. So keep posting and talking, but most of all, connecting!

Muttel

whywatch wrote on 10 Sep 2024 02:14:

Amazing!

I just want to double down on this message. Sitting down and writing out your whole story is so powerful- not just the short version for the forum. I mean, actually sitting there with a pen and paper and writing down your story from the very first taste of lust until the present day, and then if you can, telling it over to someone else. Dov had me do this and it was huge. On top of that, it's a fantastic way to get a feeling of where you are holding in the struggle. Can't lie to yourself when it's black and white on the paper there*.

*And people do lie to themselves both ways in this area. People go all the way from "I'm a hopeless lost cause" to "It's no big deal" (sometimes in, like, the same day). Writing it out gives you a clear picture of what you are dealing with.

Wow. I have so much in common in your story. Really appreciate for posting 

[quote][p]

I was good for a week and half. I even managed to push the intruding fantasies out of my head. I managed to forbthe most part, not think about ladies bodies every time I relaxed or went to sleep. But than after a week and half the thoughts came with vengeance. I tried pushing them away, but they wouldn't leave me. And on Friday, I fell. Fell hard. Everything from P and M, to online chats. And the whole Shabbos, that is all I thought about. And fell hard again Motzei Shabbos. Now I feel sick to the core. Chevra, please, I need some chizuk. Is it really possible to end a 19 yr addiction?

whywatch wrote on 10 Sep 2024 02:14:




Ahhh a fellow 17+ year chaver! 



I can somewhat relate! 



Next time you are bored and feel the urges coming on, I suggest you spend some time (several hours!!!) browsing this site. Read some of the oilam's stories. 

You'll be surprised (and then after a while, not surprised at all) how many people have somewhat similar stories to you. 



There are some fascinating people to reach out to. 

Don't be shy to share your feelings, your emotions, your losses and your wins with the chevra here. 



We are all on your team! 

whywatch wrote on 22 Sep 2024 11:27:

That'll be a firm yes. 
What have you been doing to try so far? Unfortunately 'Pushing thoughts about ladies bodies out of my mind " isn't quite enough. It''ll have to be replaced with a positive thought process.
Such as  Dibuk Chaveirim ( with YKW being the Dibuk and myself being the chaveirim)
Reading, re-reading and then reading again The Battle Of The Generation
And yes, possibly even going through the Flight to Freedom

And certainly reaching out to HHM ( if you haven't so far) @ michelgelner@gmail.com ( much cooler email address than Eerie's BTW) for custom tailored advice, delivered alongside a warm hug and if you're luck enough a sharp rap of the sledgehammer