Okay fellows. It's been way too long. So let me bring you up to speed. It's been a bumpy month. So many slips. So many cuts. Honestly sometimes it feels like a fall by a thousand slips. And yet, I've been hanging in there. Haven't sat down to watch porn and/or masturbate. But came too darn close. Teetered on the edge of Porn Abyss a few times. Only to be pulled back by a friend's phone call. Or lack of time. And sometimes even, sheer embarrassment of having to post about a fall. So I'm feeling sick. And oh so tired.
But I can't keep doing this. Simply relying on 'not wanting to fall' clearly isn't cutting it any more. In fact, it's doing a lot of harm. Because as I inch closer to the bright red line of P & M, I'm 'allowing' myself to decide what's 'not terrible' and 'just a slip'. And G-d knows I've been far too lenient. Hence many slips. Not just once in a while, but almost a habit of slips. Not only is that bad, but it helps reinforce the voice in my head (read: YH) that says "You see, you're right back at it". Which makes me feel bad, and small, and helpless. And to a large degree, and I think worst of all as many have pointed out to me both here and in private, no longer in control of myself. That's a very debilitating feeling. And if I'm not in control, guess who takes over the wheel? Yup, the YH himself, my trusty copilot. That's not where I want to be. I want to be where I was at around day 100, clear-eyed about my purpose and a million miles away from falling, that yesterday when all these troubles seemed so far away.
So, what exactly is going wrong? Well, the backdrop to this is that life has gotten more stressful in the past weeks. Goals I set for myself haven't been met, which is מעורר feelings of failure. My learning has been slipping too, with the same effect. Oh how I wish my feelings of self-worth wouldn't solely come from accomplishment of said tasks, yet somehow it does.. So that really doesn't help. If I would be better about sharing these things with others, I probably would do myself a huge favor.. Along with a healthy dose of בטחון, boy would that be refreshing!
BH, I've made a few changes in recent days, and it's starting to feel as though we might be steering clear of Slip Strait. I've ordered a hard copy of TBOTG, committed to reading 3 chapters or so a week. Time to get some positive willpower back, not just שלילי. So I'm hopeful that that will make all the difference. Also, on a practical level, I've realized that counting the days is no longer a goal for me, and goals are motivating. So I've made some specific kabbalos and mini-streaks with a good friend here. The sum total of these choices is I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting some control back, and that, I think, has lifted my spirits more than anything, pushing hopelessness back to its miserable corner.
So then, I'm open to any other suggestions my dear friends, please tell me what worked for you after the initial high of 30, 60, or 90 days has passed. As for me, that's all folks!!
