Beautiful!! 

iwantlife wrote on 26 Nov 2024 17:17:

Iwantlife, it was really such a highlight to meet you! You are a really special person who is doing great things!

Just thinking of that meeting brings a smile to my face,
To think that I was zoche to iwantlife's embrace,
To talk about common goals, to enjoy and to connect,
With a person who's found real life, who's doing things correct,
My friend, it was so special, truly a delight,
To be able to meet with you and hug you oh so tight!

Okay fellows. It's been way too long. So let me bring you up to speed. It's been a bumpy month. So many slips. So many cuts. Honestly sometimes it feels like a fall by a thousand slips. And yet, I've been hanging in there. Haven't sat down to watch porn and/or masturbate. But came too darn close. Teetered on the edge of Porn Abyss a few times. Only to be pulled back by a friend's phone call. Or lack of time. And sometimes even, sheer embarrassment of having to post about a fall. So I'm feeling sick. And oh so tired.

But I can't keep doing this. Simply relying on 'not wanting to fall' clearly isn't cutting it any more. In fact, it's doing a lot of harm. Because as I inch closer to the bright red line of P & M, I'm 'allowing' myself to decide what's 'not terrible' and 'just a slip'. And G-d knows I've been far too lenient. Hence many slips. Not just once in a while, but almost a habit of slips. Not only is that bad, but it helps reinforce the voice in my head (read: YH) that says "You see, you're right back at it". Which makes me feel bad, and small, and helpless. And to a large degree, and I think worst of all as many have pointed out to me both here and in private, no longer in control of myself. That's a very debilitating feeling. And if I'm not in control, guess who takes over the wheel? Yup, the YH himself, my trusty copilot. That's not where I want to be. I want to be where I was at around day 100, clear-eyed about my purpose and a million miles away from falling, that yesterday when all these troubles seemed so far away. 

So, what exactly is going wrong? Well, the backdrop to this is that life has gotten more stressful in the past weeks. Goals I set for myself haven't been met, which is מעורר feelings of failure. My learning has been slipping too, with the same effect. Oh how I wish my feelings of self-worth wouldn't solely come from accomplishment of said tasks, yet somehow it does.. So that really doesn't help. If I would be better about sharing these things with others, I probably would do myself a huge favor.. Along with a healthy dose of בטחון, boy would that be refreshing!

BH, I've made a few changes in recent days, and it's starting to feel as though we might be steering clear of Slip Strait. I've ordered a hard copy of TBOTG, committed to reading 3 chapters or so a week. Time to get some positive willpower back, not just שלילי. So I'm hopeful that that will make all the difference. Also, on a practical level, I've realized that counting the days is no longer a goal for me, and goals are motivating. So I've made some specific kabbalos and mini-streaks with a good friend here. The sum total of these choices is I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting some control back, and that, I think, has lifted my spirits more than anything, pushing hopelessness back to its miserable corner.

So then, I'm open to any other suggestions my dear friends, please tell me what worked for you after the initial high of 30, 60, or 90 days has passed. As for me, that's all folks!!

iwantlife wrote on 18 Dec 2024 22:10:

What’s worked for me is the memory of the bad feelings post fall. I don’t want to feel that way. So even if I get the urge, I know if I Give in I’ll have a moment of pleasure but feel terrible afterwards. It’s not with it. I also try to avoid any triggers even if I would enjoy looking. 

  Ah lichtige and freilichen Chanuka, dearest GYE family. Just wanted to share some thoughts with the boys here. I do not intend to speak to anyone's personal situation aside from my own, because how can I? That said, some of the recent posts and threads here have given me some food to fry.

  Everyone here, and everywhere for that matter, has their own burden and pain that they suffer and carry alone. That's part of life. Every rose has its thorn. I have mine too. The funny thing about pain and stress is that I tend to focus and magnify those thorns, till it's all I can feel and see. And ouch, do those thorns hurt. And when it hurts, I want to numb it, ASAP. But I have so much ברכה in my life. The stuff I don't tell ה׳, "Why me?" about, but instead take for granted, like ס׳קומט מיר, it's part of life. So much הודאה to give. It's מבואר in many ספרים with regard to the סתירה between the גמרא and על הניסים of whether the focus on חנוכה is on the נצחון over the יוונים, or the lighting of the מנורה with the פח שמן for 8 days, that in fact the point of the נס נגלה of the מנורה was to be מגלה that the victory over the יוונים wasn't due to superior skill, tactics, strength or bravery, but was too a miracle from ה׳, even though we have no record of any outright miraculous occurrences taking place during these battles. The נס נגלה is מגלה on the נס נסתר, like the רמבן in פרשת בא. R' Moshe Shternbuch points out, on חנוכה we have no mitzvos during the day, only at night. He takes this thought in a different direction, but I've often thought that maybe this is why, to remind us when we light the מנורה after rushing home from סדר/work, that even a regular, טבע׳דיג day is filled with ניסים from ה׳. I wonder too, if this is a סמך for the much grouched-about מנהג of חנוכה parties. Why on חנוכה, of all days? Because sometimes we need to be forced to appreciate (gasp!) our families.

  For me, this יסוד is something I need to constantly remind myself, which is why I'm typing it out right now. The message this חנוכה needs to be a reminder of how all the good, regular, ho -ho - hum things in my life are a נס from ה׳, and boy am I lacking in my הודאה for them. I'm pretty sure that if I can shift my focus to them, the YH will have a much harder time getting me down!

Humbly,
iwantlife

Love the attitude!!!!!!!! It won't make the problems smaller, but it'll make them easier to deal with.

iwantlife sat on a wall,
iwantlife had a great fall.

Not sure how this story ends, but I swear there are more words to that rhyme...

Sad at the moment,
iwantlife

Super honest of you to put it out there. That's gotta be tougher then tough. Here's a heartfelt hug! You know what you have to do, and you know that you didn't lose everything you've gained over the last few months. You are a hero for fighting this impressive battle. Keep in mind that there's a great temptation to throw in the towel , now that the streak was broken. Please hang in there for all of us.
Not sure how the rhyme will continue, but only you can write the script.
Will iwantlife rebound and stand up tall,
or will iwantlife remain in a sprawl?

iwantlife wrote on 16 Jan 2025 19:53:

A great journey ahead.

.

So many hazards abound,

Overhead and underground.

Nowhere seems safe from this,

Gnarling beast of the abyss.

.

Only choosing the very best,

Fighting for Him in this quest.

.

Holy light trapped behind enemy lines,

Operation recovery deep in the mines.

Powers unknown, here are at play,

Every dark night is followed by day.

.

As I wonder why this happened to me.

Never asked for this from Thee.

Don’t You hear my heartfelt plea?

.

Don’t You feel my crushing pain,

Roaring out to You in vain.

Each day I only of You ask,

A pardon from this heavy task.

Mountains I’m lifting, I’m splitting the sea,

Some day I’ll see, some day I’ll see.

I'm not a kings man, but many people have called me a horse. Happy to help try to put you together again with the rest of the crew. Hit me up.

Of course, the real reason Humpty Dumpty didn't get anywhere after one fall was because he gave up. If you pay close attention, only the king's horses and men tried to get Humpty Dumpty together again. Humpty Dumpty himself didn't try. 

If he had, success would've been certain. Ninety-eight and 3/4 percent guaranteed.

iwantlife sat on a wall,

iwantlife had a great fall.



Not sure how this story ends, but I swear there are more words to that rhyme...



 iwantlife sat on a wall

iwantlife had a slight fall

With willpower a ton and all his special friends 

iwantlife got right back up again

Ouch tzadik, feeling you're pain only too well.  What's done is done, Just got to go vaater now. 

iwantlife wrote on 16 Jan 2025 19:53:

If you had a great fall that only means that the rebound will be even greater then before. You will be"h rise to the greatest heights!
I have no doubt of that!

iwantlife wrote on 16 Jan 2025 19:53:

That's so upsetting.
The YH is so mean... Takes such a good and strong guy like iwantlife, lurs him into a trap and then snap! Just horrid. 
I'm so sorry for you.
But you as a person have not changed. A fall is just a signpost. It shows you the correct way forward.

חזק ואמץ,
UpAndDown

BH closing out day 3! I've got more to say, but for now just finishing what I started, (hat tip to some of the poets above and beyond):

iwantlife sat on a wall,
iwantlife had a great fall
YH wants him to feel small
Convince him he's in a deep stall
Silly YH, he's got some gall-
iwantlife is already standing tall
His fall behind, shells and all.