lamaazavtuni wrote on 13 Feb 2025 05:52:

Now i'm getting insulted! 

lamaazavtuni wrote on 13 Feb 2025 05:52:

Much better...

altehmirrer wrote on 13 Feb 2025 04:53:

Great question!
Or, as they would say in the mir, a moirahdike diyuk!
The 400 days is since I called HHM, which is when consider my journey to really have started. The number under my profile is since my last fall which was a little while before I called him.
(I happen to think that I messed it up, but I don't think there's a way to fix it...)

Today was the day that I knew was going to come. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

I slipped today like I haven't in a long time.I am not happy that this happened, but there is much to learn.
BH, I am in a much better place now, I am not beating my self up over this. I am simply realizing that I made a mistake, (I need to do teshuva, and I will) and I need to think about why this happened and how I can avoid it in the future.

• I had seen this coming but now I need to actually address it. I have not been good about keeping the ideas of TBOTG - which has worked very well for me - on my back burner in a helpful way. I need to find a way to start reading it again in a way that I am actually going to follow through. (I wonder if there's any way to potentially flesh out or build out from some of those ideas. That may make it easier for me to get excited about it. Just a thought.)
• There are parts of life right now that are blah/painful/challenging, and I'd love to avoid them. Figuring out how to live is always helpful in overcoming the struggle. 

There are two thoughts I also wanted to share.

1. I am tremendously thankful to Hashem (and all his shluchim here who have helped me get to this place!!!!) that as much as I was slipping, the thought of picking up the phone that was right next to me and calling a phone sex line didn't even cross my mind! I have no words to thank You for helping me get to this point!!
2. I had realized that I was struggling a little internally with my positive motivation/mindset for a little while already. I am very thankful to Hashem that this happened now, before it really gets hot. I now have the impetus to be mechazek myself and therefore be holding in a much better place when the summer comes around.
   Warning: Spoiler!

   And let me tell you...the summers in Burma are tough...

Man feel for you it freeeken sucks I assure you, especially for how long you've been in this fight although I'm assuming this is not considered a real fall.                            Am I crazy or there's a hutrongous ruach hatuma sweeping through and making a the greats that I'm avidly following and drinking in their words of chizuk fall and slip and stumble.  
    anyway keep us posted, theres not to many proud yungeliet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys! There are parts of life right now that are blah/painful/challenging, but I just can’t seem to figure out why I’m not PUMPED OUT OF MY MIND that Hashem has sent me a tailor-made kedusha nisayon JUST FOR MY BENEFIT TO GROW! YIPEE!!!

Dude, be kind to yourself. You’re clearly going through a rough patch in life. You need to read TBOL (The Battle of Life — the book still being written by humankind) before you can be pumped about ADDITIONAL hurdles that come to you in this situation.

No, you will not be pumped at the delicious opportunities the yetzer hara so lovingly lays out in your path, like rose petals leading you to heaven. That requires a prepared brain, a highly trained consciousness, and a fully fulfilled human being to access. You are not that right now, and it’s not your fault. Hashem put you in the situation you’re in.

If you can’t the summon up the utter enthusiasm to dance the hora at every nisayon that comes up, then guess what? That’s not on you! You can barely dance the hora at a family wedding for God’s sake. 

Take it easy.

TBOTG is probably not the most appropriate tool in your toolbox at the moment. There are other tools and you have other s*** going on too. Keep that in mind. 

P. S. Oh, and if you’re calling that a fall, then you are a saintly human being. Beating yourself up over that is not a good look, saint.

Ah I was pashut wondering why you looked like such a rasha today.
I have two questions:

1) Is "Today was the day that I knew was going to come"  a inevitably self-fulfilling prophecy?

2) Is it possible to get so clean that you never do a mild filter poke like that?

I don’t like the ominous “This is the day I knew would come” stuff. 

If you mean that you know that you would have a Nisayon at one point or another - sure! Until you’re dead you’ll be having those. That’s why we’re still here. And if it’s not a Nisayon with Taava it may be a Nisayon in Gaava, or, Heaven help us - Lashon Hora, which is truly horrible. 

But if you meant that you “knew” that it was inevitable that at one point you’d fall to lust, I disagree. You’re Proudyungerman. You’re a different person than you once were. You’re human and you had an unhealthy desire to look at stuff you shouldn’t. That’s normal human stuff. (Not “relapse” stuff). 

Now, as a Proudyungerman, you should have resisted the urge a bit better than you did. And you rightfully feel bad about that, becuase you’ve been working on this stuff for a while, and you hold yourself to a higher standard, rightfully. So you’ll learn your lesson and keep improving. 

All part of the Avoda to be a better person this coming Rosh Hashana than you were at the last. And then, you’ll work hard to be an even better person the next Rosh Hashana. 

Keep cruising down the holy heartbreak highway in your eighteen-triple oversize-wheel rig! (Please make sure there are only appropriate pictures on the wheel flaps). 

Keep Monstuh Trucking, 
Love, 
Chaim 

p.s. Getting all hung up on this will be counter-productive, trust me, brother.

Thank you everyone for the responses, they are appreciated.

I want to clarify that when I said that "This was the day I knew would come", all I meant is that i had been feelin' like I had been dryin' up inside and I hadn't been takin' the appropriate steps to address it. That is clearly going to lead to a challenging situation in some shape or form. If I would've addressed the issue, I don't think it would've ended the way it did.

@Shem, I haven't done so in about 400 days, I don't see why it couldn't have continued had I taken the proper steps.

@Bennyh, can you explain a little more what you mean? It's true that I have some stuff goin' on, but I am not totally catchin' your drift, and I want to.

I am obviously not going to be ecstatic at every nisayon, but is it possible that the time that I have spent (close to a year) on developing a true, deep fulfillment and enjoyment in overcomin' this particular area of struggle is maybe payin' off?
Again, I have not at all scaled the peak of this mountain, but why can't I have gained some geshmak in it?
(Not dissimilar to learning how to enjoy a good sugya - not somethin' I can always tap into, but something that the more I work on it, the better and stronger it gets. I also have an easier time bringin' up that feeling when I am not feeling it. Like today. Except today it just didn't go. Onwards...)

@CO, as I mentioned, I am not gettin' hung up on this. Thanks for the encouragement though, it helps comin' from you...
P.S. I ain't a saint, and as I stated in my post, it is simply a slip, not at all a fall.

Hey proud! as a chatzi newcomer to gye, i don't even see any major chiddush here........ while of course we all waana and iyh we will be perfectly clean for the rest of our lives without ever falling again, but hey aren't u here for a reason? you obviously feel the need to continue working on yourself! so u got reminder that it's still true......., bh it seems like u are moving along nicely! and you are taking the lessons from it! and yes this is a good wake up call to us all....... let's learn from our mistakes, and continue the never ending path of growth! and never get too confident with ourselves, were all even more proud of you now!

wishing you much continued hatzlocha from the mir!

ဟေ့! ငါတို့သူငယ်ချင်းကောင်း။ နေကောင်းလား? အိုကေရဲ့လား?
(For those that don't read Burmese, that says, Hey! How are you? Are you ok?)

Just wondering, with this huge earthquake in Burma, are you ok?

Uh oh he's not responding, I think GYE should send a search and rescue team with YKW leading the way {since he's been to their cemetery...}

Davening, an opportunity to precious
A spark to slowly grow, nurtured carefully
Flaming passion, intensely felt
A relationship oh so close

Rock solid bond, through thick and thin
Fusing together, דביקות so deep
Beautiful words of poetry
A paradigm of love

Connection now so elusive,
Cold, dried insides, motions matching up
The spark now slowly dying
Can't bear it anymore 

Where oh where did my davening go

A pained, frustrated, stagnated but still proudyungerman

Our Father above
With His endless love,
Knows us so so well.

Though we fail to call out
Don't give Him our shout
To His מלאכים He turns and tells.

חזו בני חביבי how the distance pains them,
Though dry and numb - davening פרעמד,
A sigh escapes their lips.

Let them realize that all the emptiness and hollow
When they feel, Me they can't follow,
All they need is a couple of small tips.

Call out with your frustration,
Don't hold it in - He can handle any exclamation,
Let Me know you need My help;

 I can provide you with depth of feeling and emotion
Like a joyous emancipation,
Just give a scream and a yelp.

He knows He can feel like a stranger,
You can't always muster the energy to linger
With Him in talk and prayer.

The one thing never to forget,
He loves you, is understanding, and won't let
The distance remain forever.  

So keep plugging our dear friend,
Spreading your kochos to no end,
Helping us all have עלייה.

He will send help to us all
While you remain proud and tall,
Until He brings Moshiach במהרה!

With a ton of brotherly love,
Muttel