I really appreciated what Cord wrote, and the greater clarification and understanding through reading what the others [esp Grant] have written. There's a lot of thoughtfulness here. It's special.

I think that all of the years of struggling with myself, examining thoughts and feeling, rethinking and questioning myself and examining life deeply - this has all contributed to making my internal life more developed than maybe it would be otherwise. Big silver lining! There's a lot going on inside of me, always. Sometimes its a crazy zoo, but there's no lack of content.

I feel that in a lot of you too. It's part of makes me very glad that I'm here now, and what makes me realize that I have a lot to learn from people here. 

Quick thought- Mark Twain supposedly said "quitting smoking is easy! I've done it hundreds of times..."
I can make a short-term decision about change based on my Sechel knowing what's right.
That's not a change in the essential makeup of who I am.
Who I am is deeply rooted in what my Ratzon is. How do I change what I want? Wanting to not want doesn't translate.

I successfully stopped smoking after many years. After trying to stop for a while. [I wasn't a truly big smoker ever, admittedly, but it was enough that I couldn't really stop.] It happened one day when I realized that I had a deep desire to Be A NON-Smoker. I had a strong Ratzon for the lifestyle, the affect, the positive essence of being free from smoking. I acted on it and its many years BH

I am afraid that I have not yet found, in a deep part f me, a full Ratzon to be a person who is fully clean. Thats a thought that brings me sadness and shame.
But maybe now the Ratzon that brought me to take these steps is the ray of pure light I have been awaiting. I hope so. I Daven that it will be so. Ken Yehi Ratzon.

I have a close childhood friend who is a serious drug addict, nebach. It's a complete Nes that he is still alive. Been in dozens of rehabs, clean on and off, successes and failures with all sort of methods, ups and downs. He's clean, for now, BH. [I am actually talking about a friend here, not myself :)]

He once told me: "Instead of everyone trying to explain to me why drugs are destroying my life, maybe they should be asking, maybe I should be asking myself what is it that the drugs are doing FOR me. In what way are they providing for me a solution ?"

Serious food for thought.

I realized today during Davening that we go from asking for Daas, in order to see our problems, to Hashiveinu, to come close to be able to then take the next step of asking for Slicha and Mechila. Then we ask for Geula from that which is more powerful than us, and subsequently refua....

Ken Yehi Ratzon.

So I talked at length to one of the Lamed Vavniks on this site. And I feel like a large burden has been lifted.
I know it won't be easy, because the Aibishter put me here to work, and I will have to repair damage that I have done. But that was a big step in the right direction, I hope.

If I am going to be honest, as I promised to be, I gotta admit that your post, Cord, was part of the push to do it. I don't like to back down from a challenge

Chevra, Gutten Shabbos KODESH

In this week of Malchus, I'm feeling that Yismichu Bimalchuscha pehaps mean me being Sameach that we aren't out here on our own, struggling along as biological organisms in an hollow and meaningless void, but rather we are creations with purpose, we have a role to fill in the orchestrat hat Hakdosh Boruch Hu is Conducting in his magnificent Briya. Maybe I'll be able to play my part right, after all.

Ken Yehi Ratzon

So I took the plunge.
I went and met the Tzaddik I spoke with last week.
I had a thousand good reasons not to go and meet just yet. maybe in a week or two. [...I can be persuasive...]
But none of the reasons were able to answer the question my heart asked me: "Do you really mean to change, or is it just a lot of pretty talk? If yes, prove it. Now."

So i did it. I feel like I have entered a different world.

Chevra: The online world is a fake, fantasy universe. Reality is suspended. Hours of history can be erased or hidden. Posts can be modified. Reality is a pretty mask on a rotting corpse, malleable and subjective and dizzying as the glowing pixels on a screen to tired eyes in the wee hours, endlessly scrolling to oblivion. Here on GYE it is better, but still......

I met a real person [He was SO REAL]. I am a real person to him. He knows my name. He gave me a genuine hug.
I am going to be accountable to him.
I am going to be accountable to ME. I feel like I landed in reality.

Rebono Shel Olam, I think ....I might really be able to do this..... please.....
Please help me not to lose this chance.
   

So I took the plunge.
I went and met the Tzaddik I spoke with last week.
I had a thousand good reasons not to go and meet just yet. maybe in a week or two. [...I can be persuasive...]
But none of the reasons were able to answer the question my heart asked me: "Do you really mean to change, or is it just a lot of pretty talk? If yes, prove it. Now."

So i did it. I feel like I have entered a different world.

Chevra: The online world is a fake, fantasy universe. Reality is suspended. Hours of history can be erased or hidden. Posts can be modified. Reality is a pretty mask on a rotting corpse, malleable and subjective and dizzying as the glowing pixels on a screen to tired eyes in the wee hours, endlessly scrolling to oblivion. Here on GYE it is better, but still......

I met a real person [He was SO REAL]. I am a real person to him. He knows my name. He gave me a genuine hug.
I am going to be accountable to him.
I am going to be accountable to ME. I feel like I landed in reality.

Rebono Shel Olam, I think ....I might really be able to do this..... please.....
Please help me not to lose this chance.