Intro: Dear Mrs. ILH, my goal for this disclosure is to be completely open and honest about all my past sexual betrayals. I know that this is the path to alleviating the distance we feel from one another and also the right choice for us in order to continue on our journey of bonding and recovery. I am willing to answer any questions you have about any of my past behaviors, and commit myself to being honest with you as well as to myself moving forward. I am also affirming my commitment to my continued recovery and to healing and growing together in our relationship. I recognize that this whole topic is extremely disturbing for you to hear and I understand that the impact of my actions is extremely far reaching. It has affected our relationship on a fundamental level, and I have betrayed your trust in the most sensitive area in your life.

I made the choice to betray your trust with my actions, and I understand that my betrayals have shattered your trust in me, leaving you feeling deeply wounded and insecure, and our marriage and relationship in a precarious state. I am truly remorseful for the pain I've caused you and for the sense of safety I've stolen from you. I have not allowed you to feel that you can be emotionally vulnerable with me, and I have been a source of trauma and anxiety in your life. I am sorry and hope that you can accept my apology for the harm and pain that I have caused you – I am committing myself to being there for you, no longer how long it takes for you to heal from my actions and selfish & self-seeking attitudes. I will continue to work on myself and our relationship, and I understand that earning back your trust will take time. I love you very much and hope that this disclosure - as painful as it may be - will help us rebuild our bond of trust and faith.

I am also committing myself to working with you on creating a system of accountability that will lay out the rules and guidelines of the steps I’ll need to begin to take, and constantly continue to take to rebuild trust. Some accountability steps I’ve already incorporated into my life are regular checks-ins with my SA sponsor as well as a network of fellows in recovery, active participation in 12 step groups and step work, and a commitment to increase honesty and transparency in our relationship. Some further levels of accountability can include check ins when I feel that I am struggling with lust or resentments, as well as any other measures that we and our network of mentors and friends can help us figure out.

Here we go. Are you ready to listen to me share my story?

My acting out started from before we met. I was molested by two girls my age when I was 11, the younger sister watched while the older sister performed oral sex on me. Since then, my lust drive was stuck on full throttle. I used sexuality to try and reframe and recreate what I experienced at age 11 in many different ways, but it didn’t help me get any better. Over the years my acting out escalated, and started to increase with alcohol consumption in 8th grade, and marijuana usage in high school. I was molested by the older of the two sisters again at 13 years old, and then continuously over the course of 2 and a half years from 14 to 16 and a half by a female tutor. I would fantasize and masturbate constantly, often compulsively & to the point of pain. I used masturbation to control anxiety and sexual acting out to try and reverse the female domination that I had endured since childhood. My sexual interactions in high school include oral sex from a Jewish public-school girl, “hooking up/kissing” girls, and oral and vaginal sex with one girlfriend multiple times over the course of several months, always with protection. I started “hooking up” with my former girlfriend while I was in the middle of a fledgling relationship with another girl. I acknowledge my history of betrayal of a trusting relationship in this regard. I did not act out with other people when I was in yeshiva for two years, but did engage in a lot of fantasy and compulsive masturbation. I first engaged in prostitution in college, paying exclusively for oral sex, as a means to ease my anxiety and on a deeper level, as an attempt to process the trauma I went through at ages 11 and 14-16 when I was being molested. This was at its worst when I came back from yeshiva and during my semester or two in college in New York City. I was sickened by the prostitution, especially after a young girl walked in on her mother performing oral sex on me. I walked away immediately when I saw the girl watching. After that I started going to massage parlors, most often not engaging in any sexual interaction, rather fantasizing that I was doing exhibitionism in a controlled environment (by getting a massage in the nude). I had protected vaginal sex at a massage parlor twice before marriage.

Prior to meeting you, I engaged in the following behaviors:

·         Pornography (video and erotic stories)

·         Compulsive masturbation

·         Betrayal in a trusting relationship

·         Prostitution

·         Objectifying women

·         Lying

·         Manipulating people

·         Alcohol and Marijuana abuse

Although I entered our marriage having ceased getting high and acting out with other women for at least 6 months, I was still a “dry drunk.” I objectified and used you as a sex object for several years, and did not give you the respect you deserve as a woman, let alone as my wife. You must have felt horrible! I own that it was selfish of me to blame you for your “dryness” and for sending you to doctors to get you “fixed.” I am truly sorry for putting you through those toxic experiences with me, and pray that my sober actions today and in the future will help in making a living amends to you for what I put you through in our marriage.

I did not get high or masturbate until you were pregnant with out second son. I bought some weed when we spent the summer upstate by your sister and biked to the fancy summer camp down the hill and got high. I spent the rest of that summer wasted. When our second son was born, my anxiety increased and I began turning to pornography and masturbation again. You caught me once with erotic literature, and I told you it was a one-off thing, which was a lie. I am sorry for my dishonestly and manipulation of your trust. You knew the truth but I tricked you into doubting yourself. That was unfair and malicious of me. It was not right of me to cause you to question your sanity! During the next few years, I struggled with counting days of sexual and substance related sobriety.

COVID is when things really fell apart for me. I lost my job and didn’t know what to do with myself, especially when we moved in with my parents. I turned to marijuana to help me cope with my anxiety yet again. I left you to care for our several young children all alone, and never gave you the space to feel comfortable asking for help. You worked so hard when I could have been there for you. I abandoned you in your time of need. I’m so sorry! When I started working for my father as COVID lockdowns were loosening up, I struggled a lot with lust in the workplace and the anxiety caused by the extremely toxic work culture, plus the lack of work structure & the high demands my father placed on me in the office. I started getting high and began going to massage parlors again. Most of my visits were lust-filled exhibitionist fantasy indulgences that the massage lady enjoyed massaging me as I was nude. I failed to be there for you when both of your parents were going through chemo, especially when I was supposed to spend shabbat with your father but instead spent the weekend getting high and drunk in the city. I also failed you when our third son had a febrile seizure, and instead of coming to help you, I picked up some weed and got high. It hurts so much to know I broke your trust. I was completely selfish, and I hate that I did that to you.

Around this time, I was being drawn deeper and deeper into the cult that we were eventually ejected from in December of 2022. In September of 2022, when I was in the depths of my rock bottom – physically handicapped after the car accident in early September & being spiritually, emotionally, and financially drained by the cult and trying to be even more “frum” to rectify my misdemeanors – I had my first sexual encounter with another woman since we got married. I had left some business cards after eating at a local bagel shop (to promote our new business). I remember benching extra long with a hat, jacket, and tie and getting a text the next day from one of the female workers at the shop. She sent me extremely provocative nude photos and told me she wanted to have sex with me. The lust sent me into overdrive, and we met by her house. She performed oral sex on me and in the small moment of clarity afterward, I refused her demands for sex, kicked her out of the car, and drove home. That week, I reached out for help. I called Dr. P, the famous psychologist, and opened up to another person for the first time about the tremendous pain and struggle I was shamefully hiding for years. 9 days after the incident with this woman, I opened my Guard Your Eyes account and I started writing my journal. I went to my first SA meeting around then, was terrified from what I heard and left. I joined AA shortly after, and my 2nd sponsor (John P) urged me to get an SA sponsor. It took about another year until I got an SA sponsor.

Something is not an MO but I feel responsible to share is an incident that occurred on May 20th ‘23, when we were at your sister’s house for Shabbat lunch. I was heavily intoxicated during the meal and at some point, noticed her oldest daughter masturbating herself with my foot. I was startled when I noticed and pulled away immediately. The next week, on May 27th, I was heavily intoxicated again at their house and am concerned that it might have happened again – that there was some sort of inappropriate physical touching going on. It terrified me that this could happen a second time after I was aware of the issue, and other than a small sip on June 3rd (the next shabbat - at our nephew’s bar mitzvah), I never had a drink or drug since. Potentially harming children is a line I cannot bear to cross and have done everything that is in my power, to never ever be in that situation ever again. My AA sobriety date is the following Sunday, June 4th 2023.

On two occasions after our marriage, I visited massage parlors that were actually brothels and had protected vaginal sex. The first was in late 2023 or early 2024, shortly after I started in SA. I wanted “one last hurrah” but felt disgusting afterwards. I stayed “dry” for about 6 months until doing it again in August of 2024. The second and final time was on Tisha b’av of ‘24 – I told you I went to a shiur but I really went out looking for a massage parlor prostitute. That summer I really struggled with fantasy, masturbation, and lust. Thank G-d, one day at a time, I’ve been sober in SA since August 21st, 2024.

Going to meetings, calling my sponsor, praying, doing step work, and overall doing my best to work a solid 12 step program on a daily basis are all things that make a massive difference in what my sobriety looks like today. I recognize that this is a one-day-at-a-time program and the only sobriety I can really, really count is what I have today. I am powerless over lust, and it’s made my life unmanageable – but I found a solution that works. I don’t know if my addictions stem from genetics or from my traumas in childhood and adulthood, but the point here is not who or what to blame, rather what is the next right thing that I can do today to life a productive and sober life.

Summary of figures:

·         Financial impact: I estimate that I spend $1500-$2500 of our own money on substances and women, and $1000-$2000 of cash I skimmed from my father’s petty cash account from his business, which I will need to repay when I make my step 9 amends to him.

·         Acting out with other women: I had three extramarital sexual encounters in our marriage, one oral and two vaginal. I had myself STD tested & the results were negative for any STDS. I acknowledge that I have exposed you and our children to sexually transmitted diseases, and understand that you must be horrified to learn this.

Conclusion: Mrs. ILH, I cannot even image how difficult it is for you to hear and digest all of this information, and I understand that you’ll need some time to process everything I just told you. I understand if you feel angry, confused, betrayed, or any other emotion that comes up for you. Your feelings are valid, and I want to create a safe space for you to express them. I hope you can forgive me, even if it feels impossible right now.

I am willing to give you whatever time you need and whatever support I can provide to help you take care of yourself. I shared things with you today that are extremely difficult to bear – I am still working on forgiving myself and for relieving myself of the burden of shame I carry upon my heart every single day due to my actions. I support whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, and am open to hearing of any new boundaries that you would like to share with me. I am fully committed to doing whatever it takes to worker on and repair our relationship. I know words are not enough, and I will show you through my actions that I am committed to change.

I love you

Sincerely,

ILH