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TOPIC: Observations 416 Views

Observations 08 Oct 2020 02:07 #355893

  • Youngster
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Hi all! I'm pretty new here, joined just about three weeks ago bh, like most of us here, I'm struggling with those issues for years, and I'm hoping to finally succeed iyh!
I decided to start a thread here, because l realized that after 10 years fighting, I still dont know what works for me, and what doesn't, what triggers me, and how to avoid that etc, and I realized that without a strategy you cannot win a war... so I decided to write here my observations threw my journey, to clarify myself (and maybe by mistake help some others...) and iyh learn the right methods and ideas to succeed and stay strong. 
I will also greatly appreciate the advice, ideas, and corrections from all the experienced veterans here!
Last Edit: 08 Oct 2020 02:08 by Youngster.

Re: Observations 08 Oct 2020 04:04 #355898

  • wilnevergiveup
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Welcome, wishing you much hatzlachah!

I am no expert or veteran so I hope I am not overstepping my boundaries here by offering advice but a good place to start is to read to read through the GYE handbok and a series by Rabbi Bentzion Shafier called The Fight you can also get his series on Thesmuz.com.

Post a little about your journey, it will help you understand yourself better as well as help some of the real veterans help you along.

All the best
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Observations 08 Oct 2020 10:25 #355906

Hi there, welcome.

Veteran? Lol. I sure know how to fail and fail and fail. I could teach you a thing or 2 about that...

But you're right. You need a plan. Filters. Tapshic. Triggers. All things to take into the equation and you seem to realize this. So if you fight smart and hard, you'll smash it. Normally Grant talks anyone new through his classical action plan, but if he doesn't, check out some of Menachems (one of the moderators) posts. He has some useful ways to plan strategies.

Keep on posting. Much success on your journey.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: Observations 08 Oct 2020 12:36 #355907

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Check out The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation . It's full of great strategies and motivation and the right perspective that will help you break free. Even 2 pages every day/ night will make a huge difference.
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: Observations 08 Oct 2020 15:12 #355911

  • Grant400
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Welcome Youngster!

Let's begin your journey with a seemingly simple yet extraordinarily important question:

Why do you want to stop? Is it just because it's an aveira or is there more? Does the fact that it's an aveira cause you unspeakable pain? Make you feel like you are living a lie? Do you feel unfaithful to something or someone? Is this addiction causing damage in other areas of your life?

The first step is identifying the real reasons you want to stop, this way when confronted by an urge you have a powerful antidote. It's not just an esoteric piece of knowledge that it's wrong vs. tremendous desire. It's not simply an intellectual understand fending off something that easily transcends intellect. It's emotion against emotion. Now its pleasure fighting pleasure.

You must understand that your real desire, the most enjoyable pleasures and the cremé de la cremé of fantasies is to remain clean and not indulge in a few short sighted moments of fleeting pleasure .

Weigh the pros and cons, judge the advantages and disadvantages. Honestly. Now, come to a conclusion about which path will indeed cause the most pleasant outcome. Make it an understanding that when confronted with a desire to feast upon specific pleasures the response will be " Seriously? That's what I will really enjoy? Yes, maybe for a few fugacious moments, but with much longer lasting disturbing consequences. It's a futile immature attempt at happiness that will leave me with a gaping whole of guilt and frustration"!

"No, for the sake of authentic bliss I will prevail and continue fighting and remaining clean"!

Obviously it is harder than I'm making it seem, but this is an important step in planning a successful battle strategy for a successful future.

                                    Grant

Re: Observations 08 Oct 2020 19:25 #355923

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Thank you all for the warm welcome and recommendations, greatly appreciated!
I would like to share a thought that I had lately regarding this battle.
the way that I fought till now, and I see most people fight, is threw fighting with the urge heads on, "I have such an urge... but no i wont give in..  but i can't anymore... NO! I wont do this... (were all familiar with these thoughts..)
we fight the urge, some people run to learn when they feel a urge, some people do other things to distract them from it etc
This way I'm sure works for many people, especially for people that dont have urges ALL the time.. it's just a nisoyoin that comes here in there, but for me I think that while it might help for short term, I tend to fall in the end, for a few reasons. First, it makes the urge into that big scary bear, that I need to stop, drop and fight! It builds up the power of the urge, by being busy with "its soooooo hard, but no, I wont do it..." while it might work for this time, in a few hours when the next urge is here, I  sometimes feel overpowered, and not always ready to fight this big scary urge... secondly, it tends to build up the urge, like I'm holding my breath... I can make it once, twice, and even three or four times, but after that I just can't anymore... my third reason is interesting, sometimes the fight itself let's me lust... being busy pushing away thoughts sometimes means thinking of what I'm not gonna think now etc, pushing away 'that' picture, is actually thinking of that picture... and that makes the lust unintentionally (or sometimes intentionality...) stronger, as the saying goes, fighting off a muddy person will also get you muddy...(or something like that..)
what I feel works better for me is that when a urge comes, to stop, take deep breath in and say to myself, "that urge is here to bother you a little, you will feel that uncomfortable feeling for a period of time now, but it will pass afterwards", and then just going back to do what I did, or anything that i wanna do, not fighting with it, not thinking about it too much, just accepting it, and moving on.
this way accept of not having the issues above, I think also trains my mind that when urge comes to ignore it more.
sorry for the long post, hope I was clear and  people understands what I'm trying to say, and would love to hear what you guys think about it. 
Thank you

Re: Observations 08 Oct 2020 20:10 #355924

Hi there Youngster, wishing you hatzlocho on your journey

You raised an important point, that by trying not to think about something, we think about it. If someone says don't think about a pink elephant, there's only one thing that you will think about...

I'll share a technique that works for me, often I get urges when I'm in bed, so I try to use this technique, this isn't always so effective if I'm busy doing something else. Perhaps you can try implement it and see if it works for you. 
I try picture some activity that I do often and can picture many details about, eg driving to school or going for a run. I think of what the weather is like, which houses I'm passing, when I'm speeding up, when I'm slowing down. Where my hands, my feet are, the turns I'm making etc. I find by filling my mind with a vivid experience, it clears my mind, I think because we can't think of multiple things at once very easily.

Also like ITK (Im tevakshena kakasef) suggested, have a look at Menachemgye's posts, I read through some today, I hadn't read them in a while and found them quite useful. His name should be towards the bottom of the page (at least on mobile), if not try searching his name.

Looking forward to hearing more from you and growing together!
Looking_to_improve

Re: Observations 13 Oct 2020 01:31 #356043

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Hi all, I'm here for 24 days now, and until now it was bh fine, today though I had a strong urge and almost fell. Bh I got threw it but i learned from this experience a few fixes in my plan, that I need to implement, seeing that my original didnt work well enough. I think that when I feel I'm about to fall I must wait 5 minutes, and read threw my plan and reasons why I dont wanna do this, any other ideas?
Last Edit: 19 Oct 2020 05:42 by Youngster.

Re: Observations 13 Oct 2020 02:04 #356046

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Was there anything that triggered you? Or did it just come out of nowhere?
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: Observations 13 Oct 2020 02:44 #356049

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Was taking a nap, and that's always a hard time for me
Last Edit: 13 Oct 2020 02:47 by Youngster.

Re: Observations 13 Oct 2020 05:13 #356062

  • wilnevergiveup
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Think of it like G-d's embracing you showing that he is accepting you. I don't think you are correct about it having nothing to do with you, maybe you didn't realize but something distracted you? did your mind suddenly become occupied with something else?

This is how it actually works, it's funny that during an urge we freak out about having to refuse it for the rest of our lives, but that only happens when we dwell on it. The reality is that an urge can pass pretty quickly when we keep busy, productive and distract ourselves.

All the best
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Observations 15 Oct 2020 10:59 #356254

You remind me of many of those gemaras where the sages were tempted by the yetzer hara to run to do the aveira, only for Hashem to command the yetzer 'leave R' X and his torah alone!' So maybe you're a hidden tzaddik...

But really, I agree with willnevergiveup. The yetzer makes us believe that we will forever struggle. But really, the urge usually last only a bit of time, and then it goes. Doesn't make it easy, but its not as bad as we make believe.. 

Your plan, while good, seems slightly optimistic. I don't think when urges come you will feel the desire or motivation to read through your reasons why you don't want to act out. Maybe try something slightly more doable. I'm not just nitpicking, I've tried similar kabalahs for myself and it didn't work. But hey, to each there own, let me know what you think.

All the best.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: Observations 15 Oct 2020 16:34 #356276

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Your plan, while good, seems slightly optimistic. I don't think when urges come you will feel the desire or motivation to read through your reasons why you don't want to act out. Maybe try something slightly more doable. I'm not just nitpicking, I've tried similar kabalahs for myself and it didn't work. But hey, to each there own, let me know what you think.

Thank you ITK! I actually had a plan, how to deal with it etc, but when it came to it, I didnt have the motivation to fight, the side of "i wanna do it" was stronger... so i thought that reading the reasons why i dont, would give my more motivation to fight and follow the rest of my plan, that was my thinking behind it. But adaraba, I would love to hear ideas that worked for you and others to this issue, would be greatly appreciated!
Last Edit: 15 Oct 2020 16:37 by Youngster.

Re: Observations 15 Oct 2020 23:27 #356299

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You don't necessarily have to read it, but by writing it you become clearer, and you can just run through a quickly in your head. It works wonders for me. Hatzlacha!

                                    Grant 

Re: Observations 16 Oct 2020 00:46 #356300

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I agree with Grant. Writing things down helps one become clear and determined. Maybe also write down 5 nice things you do each day. It is important to view yourself as a good productive person (who happens to have a habit...)
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

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