AMAZING!! You are doing very well!!

I fell.
Masterbated while on youtube.
Was clean for 198 days.

I had a way of getting the restrictions code, I won’t tell u guys how. I pushed off doing it, and now I just gave in and fell.

I could have won this but didn’t. 
I spent all day cleaning for Pesach and pushing away the taivas.
But now I fell.

I almost called a GYE guy multiple times but didn’t...

I am not leaving.
I am not giving up.
Though I’m disappointed in myself.

The dead,

YeshivaGuy

I’ll broadcast the discussion in my mind currently.

Q. Am I depressed?
A.Nope
Q. Have I lost all my hard work? Have a ruined my Kedusha?
A. Nope. Life is a process. I’m way ahead then most guys my age and have done amazing.
I am not defined by some number chart on a screen. I have grown thus far and must keep moving forward.
Q. But you were Pogem the Bris! This is the first time in תשפ״א, and now you will  have a Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur with this Pgam?!
A. Ok, so ur saying I won’t come to HaShem perfect? I’m ok with that. And even if I would’ve been clean I still wouldn’t be perfect.
Q. Do I admit that I am no longer clean and in affect am dirty?
A. There are no dirty Jews or clean Jews in front of HaShem. There are only Jews- Children of the Ribono Shel Olam. Some are on different paths with different shortcomings, but Hashems love is infinite for each of us.
Q.You were Pogem your Yesod! Oy Vey what’s gonna be, your head is hurting because you were Pogem the Seichel which is משכן הנשמה!
A. Your being way too spiritual for me. Take it easy and move on bro. You made a mistake so get up and work.
A person who speaks Lashon Hara after doing well in it for awhile isn’t now “dirty.” Rather he spoke lashon hara! Ok so he made a mistake so time to move on.
Dont bug out, don’t fall more. HaShem is calling you (me), hear the voice and continue your (my) journey towards a life of Ledusha v’Tahara.

I welcome raayas or rebuttals to any of the aforementioned.

You are an inspiration

Much Love

Eyes

I am broken.
Have a good, or at least better, night than me.

I’m awed by how your handling your fall. The Q and A was beautiful. Remember that you feel broken because we are inherently broken, and only Hashem can make us whole. I’m sure you are reaching out to him at this time. Keep inspiring us. The malachim in heaven surely envy you and are singing your praises. Hashem loves you as much as he always did and is giving you the strength to brush yourself up and get back in the game.

With much love, admiration and respect 
OivedElokim

YG,
Thanks for reminding me that you are human. I almost thought you were a phantom poster making believe as if you are withholding and overcoming such challenges.

I'm in awe of you. You are doing amazing. 

Perhaps you were given now a new test to see if you will despair after this fall or just bounce right back stronger than ever.

I think you can bounce right back. Don't despair. Time to move right along. Keep shteiging.

My dear Rosh YeshivaGuy,

You are awesome. Not only in the slang understanding of the word, but the real definition. I know how you feel now, but from an outsider's view you are doing amazing. It is hard to continue on after this kind of thing like you wrote because it makes us feel like a failure. We feel we are back to ground zero again. That's not true, like you wrote. You are high on the summit. Very high. Continue climbing. It is going to be so hard now to pull out because you feel like you may as well enjoy for now and soon you will restart. Just keep in mind every viewing and masturbation pulls a person deeper and imprints images on his mind forever. Yes every one of them makes a difference. 

Hang in there and post. You are a foundation in so many of our growing here. Thank you for that.

Remember. You are amazing. You are strong. You are human. You are disciplined. You are an eved hashem. You know the truth. You teach the truth.

Time is limited as it is Erev Peasch....
I just wanted to say we still respect you the same way as before and perhaps even more so based on your response and reaction to the situation.
Keep shteiging!!

,

I'm happy to see you're at day 2!! 
It's amazing how you got right back into the game!
Keep up the great work!

Thank you all for the kind words and chizuk on this thread, in PM, and on text/the phone.
It really means a lot and is essential to my growth henceforth.

Im trying hard to not dwell on the past so here’s a quick synopsis of what had transpired:

Tuesday: I checked Google hangouts chat and saw that a girl messaged me in October.
I gave into my taiva and responded.
Let’s just say she’s not a tzadeikes...
Tuesday night messaging back and forth and saw pic of her.... I had tons of taiva and touched myself.

Wednesday: She stopped responding (I since blocked her). The day was going great. I worked out, davend, learned, cleaned for Pesach...
In the evening I gave into a taiva, texted a dif girl who I remembered her number for the last 6 years (I know I’m nuts). She blue checked me. It’s 2nd time this year it happened, I was so so embarrassed.

That embarrassment turned to anger. I was infuriated that I had no female relationship/love and daily passing by unfiltered devices with no “sexual/emotional compensation” added to the fury.

So I started the Masterbating motions... 
I then got access to restrictions code ((I figured out a chap that I can do to get it, it’s very tricky and I had been pushing it out of my mind but I caved).
Few min on YouTube and masterbated.
The final “push” was really more out of defiance and that anger I described above...

B’kitzur, I summoned the strength that night, despite big pulls from the Yetzer to download an app before changing the code, I approached my dad and said I need a new code.

It was embarrassing and very difficult. I was frozen in embarrassment, but bh, despite the pull of the Yetzer and the busha, I got a new code and pushed through.

Today was pretty good bh. I’m feeling pretty positive and relaxed. I feel “relieved.” Not sure why, I feel like that’s a weird emotion to be having...

Anyway, that’s the “quick” synopsis.
The main nisyonos here remain beyond my control.
Theres still unfiltered devices which they don’t wanna filter and the TVs with YouTube access which the company says they can’t block.

Nonetheless, I try to not despair, and anticipate the opportunity of this Zman Cheirusainu to harness the מאורת היום-achieving my own personal geula.

Thank you all again.
I love you all.

The aspiring,

YeshivaGuy

Hey Yeshiva Guy. What you wrote about being angry about not having female affection was a really good description. I saw every guy in my shiur get married before me, and that was a huge push for me to masturbate. I don't know the right answer back to that logic, except for the fact that Hashem has an amazing girl out there for you, and you are helping her by helping yourself. (If anyone could weigh in on this I would definitely appreciate it also). Thank you for articulating these knotty feelings.

Amazing post, HY613!

YeshivaGuy, when you feel anger, dump it all out on us (especially if you are mad AT us!); that is what we are here for.

And I'm sure the poet in you knows Blake's famous lines:

“I was angry with my friend: 
I told my wrath, my wrath did end. 
I was angry with my foe; 
I told it not, my wrath did grow."

Speak out your anger to those who care about you and it almost always diminishes..

Chag Kasher V'sameach!

IMG

#MAKEITTOYESHIVA