Daven for the girl to have a nice day, be able to pay her bills, feel well, etc. This de-objectifies her. She stops being your toy of fantasy, and returns into being a human being - who is off limits to you. She is someone's daughter, sister, wife...but definitely no connection to you.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Dec 2020 02:02:

She was Jewish so made it harder.
Honestly, the whole davening for her  is pretty distasteful to me...
Maybe it’s cuz I don’t associate women with Ruchnius...

YeshivaGuy,

HHM's eitza of davening for her is something I must do every day - as my secretary is extremely loyal and can be somewhat of a trigger...

I have been davening for her....and yes, it has helped deobjectify her. This is a powerful tool, and is super effective when the tefila is sincere.

We are in your corner!

I.M.G.

P.S. when I saw a dunkin donuts girl as a bochur, I was usually dead meat : ( I imagine that this fight that you are currently fighting "L'maan Hashem" is quite precious in His eyes.

Hi,
I don't claim to be an expert,but just another guy in the trenches fighting the same war,so here are my 2 cents.
I just want to comment on the idea of Davening for the person as a means to kill the Taiva and de objectify etc. This may work well for some and if it does Kol hakovod! However, I have found that when I start to do things like that,if anything I feel more of a connection and am more attracted . Maybe it works if it is someone like the Dunkin girl that you saw for one minute. I am not even sure about that,because probably best to try to just send her out of your mind totally. No reason to give her free room and board in your head.However,with the example of the secretary or any other similar idea of a female that you are regularly triggered by, I have experienced an increased attraction when I made the person more real and davened for them etc. The same holds true for any online or chat relationships. ( I hope it is ok that I am mentioning this.If not feel free to delete this post.)I found as long as I kept it purely physical I was able to remove myself easily from it and move on. However,especially when the girl or lady I was chatting with was frum and I would start to Daven for them and hope they had a good day etc then the attraction and connection went through the roof and was murder to sever.
Now this doesn't mean you can't be familiar with females and daven for them etc. Not at all! Chas vishalom! BH most females that I know I have a positive perception of them and this is not an issue at all. I am referring to someone that you are starting to have the lustful feelings for.In that case I am unsure if Davening for them etc helps or hinders.
Thank you for listening
Lou

Good point Lou. As with all the advice given here, it is not one size fits all. What works for 80% of the oilam, may be triggering for another 10%, and useless for the rest. I know of guys who rarely visit the forums because they get triggered by it. All advice given has to be understood with the disclaimer "This worked for me (and some other guys). See if it works for you".

I appreciate everything you guys have said.
I can see how davening for a girl one sees on a regular basis could help.
But bringing up again in my mind a girl who I’ll never see again seems counterintuitive...

For me the mahalach of distraction and the like has worked the best.

I know I still have a much broader issue hear.
And that is objectifying women.
Thats something I’m concerned about when going into shidduchim, and is something I’d like very much to rectify before then.

Anyone with eitza on this would be much appreciated.
I’ve thought thus far, that the eitza is if I refrain from objectifying them, then eventually my mindset will change.
Definitely “bshaas maaseh” realizing that she goes to the bathroom, helps in this (as HHM said above).

Im open to all suggestions

Shkoyach!

Is it possible to ever stop objectifying?

What was explained to me (at least what I understood)

That inorder to realize this person is not an object you have to realize that they are human too like you mentioned.
I'm not sure how or if it's possible to completely stop the objectifying though.

Zedj wrote on 24 Dec 2020 19:43:

There was a whole discussion about how to accomplish that last summer. I don't remember which thread it was in. Gonna try to find it. Does anyone remember? 

Grant400 wrote on 24 Dec 2020 19:48:

I found it, I bumped it up. It's called "My problem". (Introduction category).

Few days ago I went to a miny restaurant, and the waitress was a 20year old Jewish girl.

She was very nice, and was attractive.
Naturally, in my head I’m like “she wants to have sex with me. I should get her number/flirt with her...”

But then I’m like, maybe not

Like she’d put her hands in her coat pockets and push down, and she looked a bit more pretty.
So at first I’m like, omg she’s doing it for me! She’s super into me.

Then I’m like, maybe she just likes doing that...

Anyway, I definitely have this “lust mentality” which I very much want to change. 
I’m a guy in Yeshiva, I thought I wouldn’t be such a behaima and think about this stuff...

YeshivaGuy wrote on 24 Dec 2020 22:07:

Actually i have never witnessed a behaima act with lust..... You are actually a very normal human male. Actually let's get even more specific, you are actually a very normal ben Torah.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 24 Dec 2020 22:07:

Can I make a suggestion, to try help you out and maybe try change this lust mentality?
I want to preface it by saying that I really appreciate your honesty and truth in how you write.

Perhaps when describing a situation which you struggled in, maybe try spare the details. I didn't find it triggering, but I think your goal should be to try change your mentality like you said, not to suppress your feelings of lust. If you are recalling the details of the situation, a few days later, it may be bringing up more lust within you, which you are trying to suppress, it sounds like you might still be pondering, maybe fantasising about the situation to a degree.

If you were on a diet going into the same restaurant, trying to avoid a certain food, maybe you would say they had a food I'm avoiding, and I did a good/bad job in the moment, I would think this would be a good mindset to stick to the diet. If I describe the smell and the aroma, the icing on the cake, or how the meat sizzled etc. a few days later, it kind of sounds like I want to stick to the diet, yet I'm still recalling the exact thing that's likely to make me want to eat the food more.

Your a great poster, we won't lose out if you leave out a couple of details, but you may gain by not keeping it on your mind for as long.
It's also entirely possible that you are able to analyse your throughts throughout the day without it causing feelings of lust within you. 

I don't think I've conveyed my point so clearly. If I didn't, I can try elaborate some other time.

Looking_to_improve wrote on 24 Dec 2020 23:41:

Sefer Shaar Ellul by R Wagshall says exactly that regarding doing Teshuva on inyanei nashim/arayos etc. Sometimes better not to recall the whole scene,just do a teshuva klalliyas.
However, without any Daas Torah at all I would like to venture to say that posting on GYE can be in a different category and sometimes does need more details than other situations. Maybe? This seems to be what I have been hearing form those more experienced at Teshuva on this Inyan more than me.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 24 Dec 2020 23:38:

Thanks, I appreciate it.
I just wouldn’t wanna think this way on a date, and especially once I’m married bezras Hashem.
But maybe I shouldn’t worry too much about the future and work more on the present...

Looking_to_improve wrote on 24 Dec 2020 23:41:

Got it, shkoyach
I included more details cuz I was pained by the situation.
I was sitting with a friend of mine who was more modern and he wasn’t fazed, and me, the more Yeshivish guy who’s chosen to live more sheltered, is having all these thoughts and going nuts...

He’s like hanging with girls, but I’m in Yeshiva staying away..
I don’t regret my decision. But it’s difficult sometimes...