HI YG
How are you?
Are back to the states yet?
We ahve not heard from you in some time.
You are on our minds and we are worried about you

GS
EYES

eyes wrote on 21 Oct 2022 01:41:

Thanks for asking.
Yes in USA.
Began fulfilling a key kabola this morning- shachris with minyan consistently, haven’t done like that for at least a year…

Next gotta make the switch back to kosher phone. Working on transferring my data from one to the other.

Arrivederci!!

I just can’t stop

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Oct 2022 14:59:

Brother you are with us and we are with you!

Many of us are the same - where Porn is NOT the problem. It’s the messed up solution for an extremely painful internal problem.

How are you doing on the front of confronting the problem?

Markz wrote on 30 Oct 2022 15:24:

So true. P & M for me is triggered so much more when I am depressed as I am now about a family issue. I am much more prone to fall when in emotional pain. Today is very tough. 

YG
We have your back covered 

We understand what you are going through

Hugs

Eyes

I switched phones ok, I did it.
Tons of anxiety today from not having iPhone.

Side note, Im absolutely upset with my father.
One may even use the word infuriated.

Not looking forward to this week.
Sucks that I chose to switch phones today.
Really sucks.

Good morning,

Allow me to explain where things stand.
I had a very difficult week teaching last week with kids calling me by my first name etc.
A big part of me wants to quit..

As well, there’s the porn thing which has been going unchecked. I was online for like 9 hours motzei shabbos (into the morning).

I’ve wanted to switch back to my kosher phone and use this iPhone as a filtered laptop, to keep in my satchel (or man purse/“murse”) to be used for work.
Ive been scared to do it though especially with the achrayus of working.

Yesterday though I just did it, I switched my SIM card. I subsequently went shopping for new suits and a new hat and even splurged getting myself a set of the ערוך השולחן העתיד which I’m super pumped to learn now that I’ve gotten into taharos.

Had tons of anxiety yesterday and today from not using the smartphone. 
I’m sitting here right now thinking “what am I gonna do without it.” The prospect of being with myself is terrifying.
Its partially the reason I went back to a smartphone about 8 months ago, because I was dealing with things so intense that I needed a distraction.

Hopefully I’ll stay strong and continue with this kosher phone.
I hope today will be a better day with these kids and a better week. I’m mamash working all day, like 10-6 which is hard going from zero to 100 like that.

Then there’s shidduchim. Haven’t l’maaseh started yet. There’s this girl I’m interested in, after a little research though something came up concerning which is upsetting. Not necessarily a reason to nix but not poshut.
Im definitely upset about it because I like her- not looking to get into this now, just mentioned it to fill y’all in on where things are.

Then there’s the things with my dad which suck and my car prob needs an oil change which is annoying

Also, my cousin yesterday told me “now you’re a learner-earner” which definitely broke my heart. People with their “chizuk” are great at making things worse.
Even if right now I’m working, I’m still a Ben Yeshiva (or YeshivaGuy). Don’t give me some new hagdara.

And with all this, there’s still more going on!
But I’ll spare y’all the details.

I hope I can get a meeting this week with my Rebbi to discuss some of these things, particularly wanting to quit and being afraid that no one will wanna date me cuz I’m working. And that if I say I’d wanna try kollel for a few years they’ll think I’m a stira because “then why’s he working right now.”


Have yourselves a wonderful day

YeshivaGuy wrote on 31 Oct 2022 13:22:

Honestly, having not grown up frum, I just don’t understand why it is such a terrible thing to work and earn. People have families and bills and they need to support them. When did it become a crime to work for a living that someone would not want you as a husband because you work? I know learning is incredibly important and valuable but not everyone can learn full time. Sorry…for the first 54 years of my life I didn’t know “frum” existed, so some things are so different from the secular world and hard to grasp. When I was looking to marry, it would have been completely unacceptable for me not to be able to support my wife. So how is being a learner and an earner bad? You clearly love Torah and learning so no one can say you are not a Ben Torah…why do you work? If you don’t like it, there must be a need to do it that is valid.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 31 Oct 2022 13:22:

My friend, as always, you're a warrior and an inspiration to the world. Keep fighting, stay strong, and know that Hashem loves you. He's with you every step of the way. (And for that matter, L'havdil, so are we. )

keep it up your great!

Dear friends,

Everything is so confusing, painful etc.
I see no purpose in my day to day activities and run around all day, but for what?

This excerpt from a poem of mine written a few years ago came to mind. I’ll share it below, describes how I’m feeling:

“Is there worth to life that lives
With pain and with strife?
For what does Man arise each day
What is the point of life?

Why is life so miserable 
Can no smile last?
Digging digging in my grave
Seeking to cast all past

Know- life is not meant to be
Of both joy and thrill
Nor does pain now justify
To run away and kill

Man exists to ride the waves
Of ones pain and strife
Crowned with faith- a smile sprouts
This is the point of life

Every arrow has its source
Shot by One who loves
The injured bird will fly again
With help from up above

Every piece remains a part
Let Ice burn again
These Bricks of Pain do build a Man
Who lives with Hashem”

Please oh please, help me.
And yes, on Tuesday night I went onto a pornography website but for a moment. (Had never done so before)
Was disgusting and yes I am terrified of the future.
Where I stay during the week I have this laptop I had planned to use but I’m not so stopped paying for the filter and that’s what I had used.
I’m terrified and feel doomed to fall.
I recall countless conversations with friends describing similar feelings after they first went on such a site but that they eventually fell deep down.

Hashem don’t let that be me!!

YeshivaGuy

If you are not planning on using the device, you can change the filter to be free by changing to a plan of blocking all. At least techloq does have that option. Not sure about other filters.

Keep up the amazing work!!

Have you looked into having webchaver along with reaching out to gye for help with accountability? Sharing with someone what's going on, sharing one's commitments\gedarim, having someone to report to if starting to slip, I found at least for myself to be a lifesaver bH.

Been two months since I made the phone call and bH been clean of what i was looking to be clean of since, THANK YOU HASHEM!

Guys - the last 2 posts aren’t really well written if you’re trying to respond at all to our holy brother’s poetry. 



Please re-read this thread and re-respond