Good morning,
Allow me to explain where things stand.
I had a very difficult week teaching last week with kids calling me by my first name etc.
A big part of me wants to quit..
As well, there’s the porn thing which has been going unchecked. I was online for like 9 hours motzei shabbos (into the morning).
I’ve wanted to switch back to my kosher phone and use this iPhone as a filtered laptop, to keep in my satchel (or man purse/“murse”) to be used for work.
Ive been scared to do it though especially with the achrayus of working.
Yesterday though I just did it, I switched my SIM card. I subsequently went shopping for new suits and a new hat and even splurged getting myself a set of the ערוך השולחן העתיד which I’m super pumped to learn now that I’ve gotten into taharos.
Had tons of anxiety yesterday and today from not using the smartphone.
I’m sitting here right now thinking “what am I gonna do without it.” The prospect of being with myself is terrifying.
Its partially the reason I went back to a smartphone about 8 months ago, because I was dealing with things so intense that I needed a distraction.
Hopefully I’ll stay strong and continue with this kosher phone.
I hope today will be a better day with these kids and a better week. I’m mamash working all day, like 10-6 which is hard going from zero to 100 like that.
Then there’s shidduchim. Haven’t l’maaseh started yet. There’s this girl I’m interested in, after a little research though something came up concerning which is upsetting. Not necessarily a reason to nix but not poshut.
Im definitely upset about it because I like her- not looking to get into this now, just mentioned it to fill y’all in on where things are.
Then there’s the things with my dad which suck and my car prob needs an oil change which is annoying
Also, my cousin yesterday told me “now you’re a learner-earner” which definitely broke my heart. People with their “chizuk” are great at making things worse.
Even if right now I’m working, I’m still a Ben Yeshiva (or YeshivaGuy). Don’t give me some new hagdara.
And with all this, there’s still more going on!
But I’ll spare y’all the details.
I hope I can get a meeting this week with my Rebbi to discuss some of these things, particularly wanting to quit and being afraid that no one will wanna date me cuz I’m working. And that if I say I’d wanna try kollel for a few years they’ll think I’m a stira because “then why’s he working right now.”
Have yourselves a wonderful day