YeshivaGuy wrote on 19 Aug 2022 23:31:

No. That's not His type. He's not "That guy"...

I never got into His mind, but I can tell you, if I had superpowers I would fly to meet you and shake your hand because all of the courage you have invested and the emotions you have faced and still facing are a proof of true courage. Never forget this.
Like many others, how do i wish I had ddone tHis work before gething married and be able to express my feelings as clear and honest as you have been posting on the forum.
And i'm not trying to be a nice guy btw.

It’s the higher does of a medication I’ve begun taking that I suspect has been causing me to lately have such horrible anxiety.
It lowers one’s blood sugar so makes you weak, dizzy, anxiety etc etc.
Couple that with stam anxiety of parents etc and a mess.
So last few days I went to vids/masterbating to feel better.
Im talking bout mamash feeling like u can’t breath, it’s horrible stuff.
Feels like ur legit being gagged, so rn I’m able to breath without heart palpitations for first time in like 10 hours.
But gotta get a better way to fix this not just from a kedusha perspective but just stam I shouldn’t be dying like this for so long every day.

Just messaged my therapist bout it and bout needed I got a better method than this.

My new job got delayed for a few days so will see what happens.
I gotta make lesson plans and all that, so much to do, stuff I’ve never done before. But it’s what I want and what my rebbium told me to do so here I am.

Doing very well bh.
A lot going on but doing well.
Beginning one of my jobs tomorrow.
Met with my Rebbi today who was mechazeik me not not be ashamed about what I’m doing.

Therapist says I’m at a place mental health wise that if I feel ready then I can start dating.
Would like to wait still a few months to settle into what I’m doing first though…

Without details, I encountered someone today whom I’m interested in looking into.
Was asked to give someone a multi hour ride and turned out to be of age..
A lot of chemistry, deep convos etc still more to find out though.
Im definitely sorta “stricken.”
Was thinking to look into her though I haven’t officially started but my good friend thinks better not since why have it more on my mind.

Its very hard though.
But that’s why ״וקנא לך חבר״ I suppose.
Gotta chap that chemistry etc doesn’t necessarily mean bashert…
And I definitely need to allow myself to feel these uncomfortable, unsettling emotions rather than “go numb” via porn/masterbation.

Mazal tov on your new job? First job after Yeshiva? What do you work in?

future paltiel wrote on 29 Aug 2022 03:48:

Thanks.
”After Yeshiva”- painful words for me to swallow.
Following clear eitza from my rebbium though. Even drove over 6 hours a few times each this summer to speak to them in person..

I’m starting a shoel umeishiv job in the morning GD willing and will be teaching about 5 classes a day to highschool kids with learning disabilities once school commences.
Got the job without even a degree in it bh. Siyata Dishmaya.

I’m still looking into what I want to do exactly, this is me testing the waters and trying dif things out.
I have a lot of shame for not remaining in Yeshiva full time…

Markz wrote on 19 Aug 2022 04:15:

I forgot to thank you for this.
Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it.
I think this is the root issue I struggle with, discussed in therapy today actually.
Gotta somehow bring it to my heart

Mazel tov on your new job! It should be with lots of hatzlocha.
guidance from your rabbiem is not something to be ashamed of if it's the best option for you.

Keep up the good work!

Nothing to be ashamed of when you try to find the best path to be successful in the circumstances that hashem put you. Hold your head high and be proud that you do what’s right for you.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 29 Aug 2022 05:13:

You’re doing awesome!

What would be if your entire Yeshiva went out and started an amazing productive life as you are doing now. Would you be ashamed?

In that case, what are you ashamed of, can you spell it out. Sometimes when we express our fears, they somehow disappear 

I second Markz and Vehkam. You shod be proud of yourself that you're taking responsibility  and managing your life well. After your years in Yeshiva you will be a learned and well-built person with a parnassah and ambitions. Tons of girls will want to marry you. Just make sure they lign up quietly and don't fight their way till you:wink:

Mazel tov! to your new job, a lot of hatzlocha and easy work. 

Markz wrote on 29 Aug 2022 15:27:

I’m ashamed of not living the life I expected myself to live. Not having the trajectory that I wanted.
I’m ashamed of not being in yeshiva full time.
The reason is because the society I’ve associated with these last few years sees leaving full time learning especially before even dating as shameful and embarrassing.
Even guys who are bums, not learning they still stay in Yeshiva.
And not just society but even myself.
I myself had felt this same way towards those working before marriage..

I fear that no frum girl will want to date or marry me and that I’ll end up marrying a half baked wushu washy girl who’s not tzanua.
With my friends the girls they date the questions are “how long does he want to learn for…”

Now I still would like to learn in kollel, and as my rebbium agreed, doing this temporarily in no way precludes me from doing that.
But no regular Bais Yaakov girl would date me if I’m already a “Baal habos.”

And you’ll ask well am I looking for such a girl?
Idk, I thought I was.
I thought I was looking for a close minded Bais yaakov girl, at least subconsciously.
Why?
Because it looks shtark. It means “you made it” from being modox.
The girl I drove yesterday seemed pretty good though..

Many girls nowadays are looking for quality guys. Someone that is a sho'el u'meishiv and teaches five classes a day for what sounds like special needs talmidim, is super quality. And besides all that, I know you're a quality guy....  Hatzlocha with your new positions.

Hi Yeshiva Guy. Congratulations on your new job. From the way you described your experience in camp, it sounds like you are well-equipped to be in such a position. Also, I'm really happy for you that you got the go-ahead from your therapist to date. It is the beginning of a new and exhilarating chapter, and I hope it goes smoothly and quickly. As for your feelings of shame about leaving Yeshiva, many people have posted that you should be proud of your decision. While I agree with that sentiment, I think it's normal and healthy that you are mourning the life that you had hoped to lead. Give that some space, and realize that time takes time. It is very hard to leave the Beis Medrash, but the fact that it hurts to pull away says a lot about you as a Ben Torah. 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Aug 2022 00:42:


Spoken like a Yeshiva Bachur. It is so patently untrue, it rings “baloney” in your face.

I promise you, hundreds of Bais Yaakov girls would love to have a chassan with your qualities AND resumë