Maybe even though/because you get such a thrill, you should make a geder to not shmooze with her at all? If you need to talk, just keep it to the minimum, formal, no eye contact?

YG, I totally get the attraction and frustration you feel.

​There's always going to be these potential situations  (even after your married) if not a second cousin, then a family friend, neighbor, friends wife, co-worker etc.

 If the reason for this DMC is your dating and want to see if she can be  your partner for life, then great. Otherwise, try to stay away especially after 2AM. Nothing good ever happens after 2 AM  -HIMYM (or at any time for that matter).

But what about Kavod habriyos? It's just pretend -BF

frank.lee wrote on 17 Aug 2022 14:19:

Good idea I suppose, I don’t want to though.
Not expecting a different result if my will remains the same however

Lchaim Tovim wrote on 17 Aug 2022 19:46:

You’re right.
May you please elaborate on your point about Kavod Habriyos?

@Grant400 I would really appreciate hearing from you. Hope you’re well

YeshivaGuy wrote on 17 Aug 2022 23:45:

It's a line from a song from like 20 years ago from Blue Fringe. For us old guys. (It's called Flippin Out)

I remember that line, but I never got it. Anyone care to explain?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 17 Aug 2022 23:45:

Sorry, was just a joke I was quoting from the old Blue Fringe song "Flippin Out". 

The basic idea is, that we need to rationalize why we're talking to girls, so we use the pretext of kavod Habriyos.

Heading home.
No I didn’t change my ways and continued again with her from 12-4AM and was way more intense…

Anyway, I’m trying to not masterbate/see bad vids.
Missing the intimate gazing into each other’s eyes for frequent periods of 6 seconds in silence…

Trying to move on. I’ll bring it up in therapy. Idk what to do…
Have to choose between two job offers for this coming year. 2nd meeting is in the morning so will see what happens.

Really missing her, the empathy, love and affection. 

Comment away…

YeshivaGuy wrote on 15 Aug 2022 04:24:


Hey YG I’m a soft spoken guy, but don’t have the gift of the gab in person, and definitely not in writing, to be able to respond with the most sensitivity and shared pain I feel and many of us do about your anxiety and trauma. And bravo to you that you’re trying your best to deal with it!

I’m not blaming anyone here, but I think it’s not right that you guys seemed to ignore the searing pain and only respond to our brother YeshivaGuy about shomer negia and all the other wonderful stuff.
Do YG a favor and write a new response, which I’m sure you can all do.

And Reb YG keep working through the hard stuff and how to deal with your parents etc - with support / groups, because the more you can progress in recovery, the better a decision you’ll make in choosing a life partner.
YOURE DESERVING OF EMPATHY AND LOVE!

I know it’s tough, but YOU can do it, and you are!
KEEP IT UP!! 

Markz is absolutely right. I'm sorry for jumping into the technicalities and not being sensitive.

I'm no stranger to anxiety and understand how it can completely take over your life. No doubt that the craving for empathy, love and affection is so much more especially when your working on stopping the easy escape that P&M provides (that alone is a testament to the strength and courage you have).

Your going to find the right girl, and every hard step that your taking now will help with life later on. I know that this doesn't make it easier  but your fighting the good fight and have won many of the battles already. I was not able to do the work that you are doing when I was single.

10 Days Clean!!

Fell last night (after got back from the ppl..)
Then saw bad vids/masterbated twice today.

Got great news thank GD bout this upcoming year with the job, I accepted it.
Nonetheless still gave in…

Obviously from these intense emotional encounters with sexual undertones (at least from my end).

Looking to start up anew.
Gonna try running to the Mikva before candle lighting. Haven’t gone in along time.
Last time I went I was triggered badly from trauma, this is risky but prob will risk it.

I shouldn’t have the gentech pin code to make changes, such a stupid idea…..

Driving like 8 hours in total on Sunday to Go2 therapy, I have meetings, and gotta fully pack out of Yeshiva this coming week.

Exciting times.
Not clear what positive to take from this past week but either way I’m looking to move forward , embrace and experience this future I’ve yet to know.

Update: Mikva’s locked.
Hopefuly it’s not GD telling me to get lost…

Hashem is telling you He loves you! Rabba emunasecha!!! Every day, every breath, Hashem keeps you alive and pumping! Hashem knows you will reach greatness!!

Not sure if you are done there or it can come up again, but do you realize you are playing with fire? Stop before you hurt yourself and her chas vesahlom! I think it was in the parsha today...

Be smart! Hatzlacha on all your inner work and inspiring us!

Gut vuch,

@frank.lee, and whoever else is reading this, yes I’m aware of the situation.

Here’s the context of the “late night shmuzing” I did.
Without explaining details, I had to share a room with my mother where I was.
For myriads of reasons that was painful and traumatic.

So I didn’t want to be there when everyone was going to bed.
Only other option was to stay behind.
And yes I chose to do this “late night shmuzing” rather than engage in the overwhelming pain awaiting me downstairs.

As for whether it can happen now again.
It won’t, we’re far from each other now.

As for the whole “Hashem loves you thing,” not my speed but thanks anyway.

As far as “be smart.”
I recommend not telling people that.