wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 May 2022 06:53:


BUMP!!

Ok guys fine I’ll give you some positivity.

Camp is going amazing.
I’m using my strengths. The kids love me, the parents are overjoyed with me etc etc.
I’ve come more out “of my shell.”
I’m making daily schedules, organizing things and running everything and it’s actually working.

Its like 40 none frum kids and bh having a very big affect.
I even put Tefillin on 5 ppl (not campers) today (Lubavitch is getting to me, gotta be more vigilant…).

I’m happy and loved by all.
A parent even asked me to tutor her son in Hebrew stuff for which I’ll get payed etc.
A few parents even asked me to run a camp after camp for their kids after it ends.

Ok that positivity should hopefully keep you guys satisfied for awhile.

See ya

YeshivaGuy wrote on 26 Jul 2022 02:22:

love it! 

Yup. Here we have a OneDayAtATime Policy. 
Looking forward to your next positive post tomorrow 

Two girls randomly get together and bombard me with messages and then silence..
I don’t appreciate being played with.
idk it hurts….. 
Wanna take it out with porn etc…….

Go for a walk,do a physical activity then distract yourself with something quick

I’m being successful I’m being successful.
I’m happy. I’m accomplishing.
Running camp, kiruv, putting Tefillin on people, learning, tutoring none frum kids aleph Bais etc.

And yet I’m filled with anxiety.
Money I’m making, mother wanting me to hold onto money for her to hide from my father, me at direction of therapist trying to get out of this and rid myself of the money I have of hers.

So much success, so much confusion, anxiety, and then the question: “To where does this all lead.”

Am I experiencing a life that’s mine, or perhaps enjoying the joys of another? Current fulfillment demands me to pursue a future unlike my tortuous past, to choose path unlike what I’ve known.
It is this future with so much light, joy, and unbridled success that I fear most.

Happy, liberated, short of breath, shackled, nervous, meaning.
Which emanations are my own and which ones are the illusion?

Wow! You are going through a lot!! Hatzlacha, keep feeling the feelings of your life's reality, and get stronger and calmer BeH.

Got to a place where was crying during kinnos, it’s been a hard two years…
Later on “ruined” it all with watching vids/masterbating.

A lot to discuss, my rebbium each advised me strongly to do something different this year…

Today was a great day.
I worked hard, accomplished a lot, and made an impact in peoples lives.
A lot of positive developments are happening in my life.
People are realizing, appreciating the kochos that I have, and are pushing me to advance.

It’s unclear where I’ll be this year and what I’ll be doing but I’m confident it will be great.

People are saying I look handsome that I’ve lost more weight, I don’t feel that way but it’s nice.
My Rebbium support me and are pushing me to take this path.

Tried to make this positive without the usual mix of negativity.

@Markz how’d I Do?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 10 Aug 2022 01:57:

Amazing!!

Beautiful!!!!!

What’s the difference for you between today and Tisha beav?

Let me guess…

On Tisha beav you relegated yourself to your own bubble and cut out the rest of the world from you which can quickly spiral to porn etc.

I get that we’re not allowed to socialize etc. Maybe ask a shaila if next year you can do different.

Of course crying can be beneficial for any of us in pain - perhaps a few minutes suffices, and then go out and connect with the world - Aka the Vid in my Sig :-)

YeshivaGuy wrote on 07 Aug 2022 22:48:

According to HHM, falling after or during Tisha B'Av is not uncommon. First of all after fasting the body is weak. When the body is weak so does the mind. Also, we must remember that Tisha b'av is a very emotional day (Kinnos, inspiring videos etc...) and it is important to learn how to process our emotions in order to "land" and get "back to earth" after strong emotional moments. Ironically, the same can occur on Motzaei Yom Kippur, Motzaei Simchas Torah, after a child gets married etc. So nobody should feel broken when it happens, simply work on the above and work on their plan before these times occur.

Camp has ended.
Really was incredible, life altering in fact.
Apparently it’s possible to be happy, to live a life with meaning, purpose, and joy…

Over Shabbos I had nonstop anxiety, was really bad. Was at a Rabbis house and helping with his kids etc which was great bh.
Kept having trauma flashbacks and associations though and on Friday as well which was terribly painful.

Last night got progressively too painful so forced myself to masterbate and watched a little bad to do it.

Personaly I won’t count it as it was out of immeasurable pain even with anti anxiety meds and I simply couldn’t bear the progressive agony.

Anyway, went out of town for a wedding.
Yes it will be a challenge as a guy of “dating age” with people looking at me, asking about me etc etc.
Honestly I’ll enjoy it

I have a few job options for this year, still gotta bring rest of my stuff from the dorms.
We’ll see what happens.

Its such a weird time in my life.
Exciting, liberating, yet terrifying because I’ve never before met this new person whom I see in the mirror.
Some things about him I like but many things I don’t…

So much to say yet nothing at all.
She’s not for me, I don’t think she is and she doesn’t want me but yet we lock eyes and I feel such a pull…
Staying in the same home.
Spoke last night downstairs until last 3AM
I just love looking into her eyes no matter what she’s saying.
It’s not the truth though. At least I don’t think it is.
And does she see it how I do?
Seems like not. After all she’s looking to date, dating others not me. Is that betrayal? 

She’s not interested in me, it can’t be.
Maybe yes though, after all I make her laugh a lot and we speak for long times, also engaging in more subterranean topics.
Regardless it will not be.
Families are too close and it won’t be done.
Yet I remain obsessed.

Probably because it’s a female whom I’ve spoken with and know.
And perhaps she only shows interest in me to satisfy her own desire for attention.
Those eyes though, when they look at me I believe there’s something more but it can’t.

And yeas I have tried here and there to “accidentally” touch hands when handing things etc but she’s so very careful it’s like a tease.
I think of her so so much and I’m just an afterthought.

And now I’m downstairs, she went upstairs tonight to sleep.
But last night she stayed down with me and we spoke until 3AM, why did she leave? Maybe she’s upset? I know she’s not.
Maybe I’ve lended too much significance to all of this?
Perhaps I’m just a weirdo with a wrong perception?

Is it standard for to stay up past 3AM together speaking, joking?
Maybe yes, maybe no, either way is she even aware? Is this all just meaningless?
And what now?

Should I numb all of my self doubt with masterbating and porn? I choose not to for it is genuine connection, relationship that I crave.
She drives crazy, but who’s to say that mirrors reality?

Every time one of us is at the other this happens, the long long talking, attraction on my end at least and each time it ends as if it never was.
And then the next time again as if I’m unaware of the heartbreak that I’m am to be dealt.