thank you for your raw honest and emotional post.  i am sorry for your pain and trauma and i sincerely hope that you heal in a way that brings out all of your strengths.  

Not that long ago i was also being pulled very strongly in opposite directions.  For me, starting daf yomi and becoming committed to it laid the groundwork that i needed to clarify which direction i really wanted to go. I am not suggesting that you start daf yom at this point.  However, if you can find something to commit to through the summer,  that can help keep you grounded and focused no matter what else happens.  A small honest and personal tefila every day can also help.  Hashem knows all of your struggles and his love for you does not change no matter how many times you fall (many sources for this).  Also, any pain that you had to go through, no matter how hard it is to understand, will ultimately be for your benefit.  Keep this in mind when you daven and you can tell hashem that you have a hard time with that.

sorry if i already said this previously... hope it can be of some help.
All the best -
Vehkam

Idk what I’m gonna do with myself. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself when it comes to masterbating/bad vids, maybe not hard enough. Maybe not dealing with what’s going on underneath 

Anger. I’m just now realizing that I’m very angry, fuming. It’s trauma. I’ve been lightheaded, I thought it was from taiva but was probably actually trauma. I think that’s what I’m experiencing with the secretaries, it’s triggering my trauma and I’m escaping with taiva

is there someone to talk to now? do you find that expressing your feelings in words helps to calm down those feelings? (instead of having to escape)

My therapist once a week I suppose.
And not much. I don’t expect u guys to fix my trauma, y’all are great though

YG, amazing post, you have a gift with words and you are clearly a great thinker and a smart guy.

One point to realize is that you should try not to flirt with the secretaries, other staff, as a professional. Not even talking about Yidishkeit and kedusha. People can get in a big mess by being to friendly. You need to be professional, friendly but formal and restrained.

It might not be easy but you need to ignore messages you may be getting from their actions, expressions etc.

To state the obvious, girls have different thoughts and interested than you may project on them.

Hatzlacha!!

Update:

                

???? Wanna explain and clear your emotions…

Talk it out when you are ready. We are here.

Hi YG - keep strong in face of the challenges of dealing with all the other people, staff etc. and stress of the job!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 26 Jun 2022 05:41:

2hear

Wow so I leave for a bit and now the entire site looks all groovy and retro.

I won’t discuss the past, what I will discuss is the present.

Camp is great. I’m in charge, running the program, the director trusts me to listen to what I say to do with scheduling etc.
The kids aren’t frum so it’s a great opportunity etc etc etc bh.

Problem, I was told that the girls camp was totally separate.
It’s not, at least not for me who needs to daily interact with the girl head counselors with stuff.
And yes, I spend a lot of time daily staring at girls skirts.

Main issue is the secretary, I am very attracted to her. We have similar humor so we’ve been engaged in constant sarcastic banter etc.
Whats difficult is she’s not frum, ik she’d do stuff, her skirt is thigh high and tight etc and it’s all I’m looking at when I gotta go to the office for something.
I looked up her Tik Tok which made me go even more crazy, knowing what she can do.
And a friend of mine told me (in a dif context) that he matched with her on tinder once….

I took the job cuz I was told it was totally separate like with two completely different campuses which isn’t the case on the ground…

What I’m saying is that I’m getting female attention which I crave and it’s consuming me.
I am driven to grow this summer. I want to change and make a change in the lives of these kids, but idk.

Also this secretary isn’t here this week, is back for two weeks, and then gone the last 3 weeks which sucks.
I guess my soul is glad about that but it’s a bummer…

Idk what to tell you guys.
Along with all this is the pressure of dealing with parents upset about counselors screwing up and the director complaining to Me about it.

Im trying to at the same time to not be fat and deal with a camp that’s unorganized and does everything last minute (and when I try doing things earlier I’m ghosted until the last second).

Had to ask secretary a question, got chatty vibes but holding back from continuing convo etc

YeshivaGuy, you are a Ben Torah inside. I know it. I've read a good amount of your thread. What are you doing flirting with girls like that and looking at them in those ways? Look inside yourself and muster the strength to be the ben Torah that you are. You know deep down that you want and have to be better than this!
Give us a post with a success story about how you decided not to look at these girls!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 05 Jul 2022 05:22:


YG you sound like you’d make a great Camp Director!!!