Last night I held back.
Was dying of taiva, my whole body was screaming, thirsting for it. But I said no and bh managed to fall asleep.

May this be the start of something great.
I must put the aforementioned gedarim in place though to insure that.

YeshivaGuy

nu, so did you take a look at that video yet?

wilnevergiveup wrote on 29 Mar 2022 14:10:

That’s also not on the whitelist since it’s not bgeder “guardyoureyes.com.”
I can reset the filter but then…
Could also use someone’s laptop but then…
Its a dumb situation. I’ll work it out and once I do I’ll watch it. I just know that if I reset the filter now with kavana for this vid it won’t end well.
Better I get myself outta bed and to the Beis and deal with this later.

1 Day clean.
Going for day 2 today.
Made a goal/deal with a Choshuve Tzadik here on GYE and b’ezras Hashem will be successful.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 29 Mar 2022 13:55:

Incredible!

אמן

I’m done with life.
For all I’ve known is Death.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Apr 2022 21:43:

Hey YeshivaGuy,
I feel terrible for all the pain you are going through. As someone who went through a lot of pain myself, enough to know that every pain is different and every person experiences it uniquely, I can empathize with you while still knowing that I don't understand, and that I wouldn't fully understand even if you shared what's going on with us.
That said, it seems that you really want to share what is going on in your life here. You keep referring and hinting to something going on. So I wanted to say that if you think it could help, please do share it. Because we care about you.
May Hashem help you with an incrediincredible recovery from all your suffering, something amazing we can't even imagine now.  הרופא לשבורי לב ומחבש לעצבותם. 

Thank you very much @captain for your meaningful words. It means a lot.

Been watching trash/masterbating.
Being home I feel empty and unhappy.
I crave internet to make me feel good.
Tonight I hung out with my friend to feel good instead of porn.
He mentioned how he doesn’t think porn is such a big deal, that he’s not looking to stop doing it before marriage etc…
I disagreed but I think it affected me subconsciously.
Was nichshal.
Now it’s 5:45am (stopped shmuzing with friend around 4AM.

I wanna be happy and enjoy life.
I got gentech but keep getting around it.
I’m just typing now, idk what to do.
Going to a much warmer state for Pesach, was excited for pritzus/to epes flirt with girls.

Was even thinking to get a hookup app even though that’s not what I want and it will make life suck.
I wanna be happy and enjoy and that will make me unhappy.

I need to learn how to enjoy life without sexuality.
I like hanging with chevra but we’re going to a place without Jews etc.
Worst case scenario would be to go outside get turned on and spend my time with porn/masterbating while on the vacation. Or flirting with non Jewish girls, or both.

I shouldn’t have this smartphone.
I’m just not ready to give it up.
I don’t care enough right now given my anger/pain etc.
I do however care enough to have a filter but not enough to ditch the phone due to filter issues.
Maybe I’m underestimating myself.

Idk, I’ve been davening and learning more here and there slowly and hopefully will get to the point where I’ll ditch this thing. 


I probably could be holding by not sleeping in same room as this phone.
It would be a worthwhile thing to do.
I need a push though, I’m not driven enough.
Seems like this would be the right step at this time, though perhaps the step is too small. Or too big…

A loud internal voice says: who am I kidding. I’m gonna be frum. I’m gonna figure out all my garbage and become a Talmud chacham. I can say I’m gonna go into business/accounting all I want and do an internship this summer (as is the plan) but in my heart I know the life I’m gonna live. I’m destined for more, I feel as though I nearly have no choice in the matter. Who am I kidding.


I’m pretty blunt at this hour, this is what I got this is where I’m at- the good and the ugly.

Open to thoughts, prayers, and anything else y’all wanna throw at me (just don’t throw too hard).

Goodnight, or good morning…

Guy

Wow, very real post. Very truthful and honest! Keep writing everything out, it’s often so relieving and you may only feel it after. Also, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve been going through a lot and it’s time to be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for all that you do despite the circumstances. The best is slow steps that are easy and in the right direction. Sometimes we go in the wrong direction, but sometimes we need to tell ourselves it’s harmful but it’s okay and normal.  Cuz the amount of good that I’m doing during the pain outweighs everything And I’ll progress overtime. listen to that inner voice cuz it’s true! Someone who does the amount you do despite the PTSD and everything else has a real future ahead. Pain comes and goes however your strength remained despite it. Keep it up and hang in there. I believe in you! Yeshiva guy, You helped me and changed my life from one post on my thread.. the same guy who said shir hamalos while about to touch a girl is the same guy who’s gonna be so matzliach in life! Cuz it’s all the same.. the strength is there! Keep it up! I know it’s painful.. life is often rough and bitter.. As someone told me during the rainy times and thunder storms take out the umbrella and hold it tight and prepare to wrap it up cuz the sun is on its way. Yeshivaguy, Hatzlacha! & remember, lefum tzaara agrah!

I’m really freaking out about this situation.
Just feeling so trapped and gross

I don't have no eitzos or perspective to share,
I have no shiurim I think you should hear,
I just want to send hugs, to show that I care.

Please keep us posted here.
If you ever want to talk, you know how to reach me...

Gut moed, how are things?

This is an assumption, but you probably are like most bochurim who sleep late and wake up late. A large part of getting out of issues, I believe, is feeling like you have more structure and having more things to fill your time with; then you feel satisfied, productive, and happy. The main benefit is that you will not feel such a strong need for things that are not good. This is also likely why yeshiva was safe for you. Pretty much, my advice is to build a yeshiva at home through making schedules and being sure not to drift around.
I know this is extremely difficult because I myself have been trying to accomplish this for months. Personally this is not how I got out of bad habits, but I have a very strong feeling that it will work.

Eventually, you will not even consider being nichshol an option anymore. It won't seem like a possibility. In fact, this entire issue won't be something that your yetzer hara and yetzer hatov are going to debate about. But in order for this to happen, you need to take your mind away from thinking about this topic for a little bit. It seems that even this amazing site can become transformed by the yetzer hara into a trap, as it might cause someone to think that he is still involved in this situation of choosing between failing or not, when he could have really dropped the entire "decision" altogether. It's doubtful that anyone here is getting caught up by the site itself, just an example, but the main point is that frame of mind plays a huge role in your choices and actions.

Was 8 days clean, then nichshal in the last 24 hours.
My filter went down and whatever…
I’m trying to not freak out this pesach which is hard cuz with a lot of family etc.

One would think I’d be pretty chill, in a place with a beach etc. but just so much anxiety from dif triggers etc. really unbearable. So gave in.

I plan to go to the beach for sunrise (you’re all welcome to join) to try some mindfulness and to feel good.
Gotta figure out my filter situation.
I was a big fan of Gentech but now idk…

YeshivaGuy 

Nichshal again, filter doesn’t work now, no way to fix it that I know of for now. I can say the reason but don’t wanna give ppl ideas.

With it not working I saw borderline vids and when I got to bed obv went down…