Just got back home.
Before pulling into the driveway I asked HaShem for help…
Entered my room and see there’s an unfiltered laptop on my desk.
Heart pounded for a sec but I took it and put it in a dif room.

Took the Sim out of the iPhone and transferred back to my kosher phone, keeping to my deal with HHM.

Im very emotionally raw cuz of therapy….
Hope HaShem helps me cuz it’s very hard.

Gs

YeshivaGuy wrote on 17 Sep 2021 19:03:

UNREAL RAW FOOTAGE!!!!!!!

You are truly awesome and I am amazed by your resolve and courage!
Where I am holding now... I'm not sure I would manage 10 minutes by myself with unfiltered internet and here you are carefully planning and taking care of business making sure you don't have issues!
I really hope and daven that you have an amazing and clean bein hazmanim!
(And don't forget that what matters is the mesiras nefesh!)

Had a lot of taiva tonight…
Watched some documentaries, now hope to sleep, though still have taiva.
Keeping my deal with HHM and not sleeping in my room with any internet capable device (even filtered).

Its hard, as there’s some new places here with unfiltered internet access..
Have a lot of taiva now, but literally forcing my body to go to bed.

Hard times.

Gn

Good morning,
My goal for this Bein Hazmanim, when it comes to inyanei kedusha, is Shmiras Eynayim.
Meaning, staying away from internet etc/not looking at women in the street.

Masterbation is not what I’m focusing on at this time.
I had received an eitza/psak, which I recommend you speak to your own mashpia before implementing, that if I have a lot of taiva to use unfiltered internet (and it’s not shayach to get rid of it, like unfortunately is my case), then I should masterbate to keep myself from the internet.

I just masterbated, but since I have thus far held back from using the minimum of 8 unfiltered devices throughout my house, I don’t view it as a loss given the circumstances.
Thus, I will not restart my count, as during this tekufa it is exclusively for internet use.

Hatzlocha,

 YeshivaGuy

I was in the car while my mother was in the store. She left her phone and I had taiva to go on it.
But I didn’t.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 20 Sep 2021 01:03:


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Markz wrote on 20 Sep 2021 01:31:

Interesting… Is that a direct quote?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 20 Sep 2021 01:34:

Nope. I don’t have access (officially  yet)
Just an original way of expressing how impressed I am 

Markz wrote on 20 Sep 2021 01:48:

Ahhh, Shkoyach Gadol!

Depression’s gotten pretty bad, going on a new medication hopefully.
Masterbated again tonight. Wasn’t careful with my eyes today in the supermarket.
Still staying away from internet bh, but I won’t pretend like this was some act of heroism tonight to avoid going on the internet.
Was taiva plain and simple.

I could really use Sukkos, the kapora of galus and the emuna of living and sleeping in the tzila d’miheiminusa.

I hope GD will let me in…

Gn,

 (Yeshiva)Guy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 20 Sep 2021 06:24:

Tizkor she’atah normali. Ima shelcha maskimah

We’re having a family over with a lot of girls tonight…
I am excited about it, sorry to say…
Ill be like this shtark looking guy who the girls are looking at wanting me to go into shidduchim, pretending as if I’m some malach when really I’m objectifying them and having bad thoughts, even if I stand up and give a nice Dvar Torah…

Anyway, I’m getting out of bed now, gonna try to turn the tide. I think I have a shot.

Is anyone a real malach? Does Hashem want us to be a malach?
Be careful with idealizing everyone and devaluing your self, it harms your self-esteem, which makes you depressed. While it's true not everyone struggles with what we struggle, you certainly have many qualities over other people.
I don't think there's anything wrong with recognizing our emotions (i.e. you're excited about having girls there). You can pretend you're a tzadik, that you're depressed about having girls there and try and fool yourself to no avail. The question is, what can you do about it? I.e. I'm excited about it, even though it's innapropriate, but I'm human, I was born with this desire. Yet perhaps that's all the more so a reason to be extra careful, as you said, with shmiras eyinaim. That's within your power. The fact you've recognized the threat only makes you greater, not smaller. It's true humility. Remember that even the great R'Akiva was tempted by the YH.
We should not fool ourselves. Knowing our real situation, and then doing something about it, is true gadlus IMHO.

Here’s the situation.
Being having a very hard time with depression etc. being home has made it worse- triggering trauma etc.
Been feeling close to… some days (I’m in touch with my psychiatrist/parents so don’t worry all is good bh).

Masterbated twice today. Honestly right now I’m just trying maintain a will to live, and am staying clear from the unfiltered internet around the house.

First days of Yom Tov was hard, had pretty girls (married/unmarried) at all the meals. Hard not to look… Especially when some married women act in a certain way…

Anyway, time for more North Korean documentaries…
Chag Sameach