Hello everyone. I have been absent from this site for a long time and now I am back. A little about my story. I am a baal tshuva who became observant in my early 20's. When I came to Israel, I became even more serious in my growth. I learned in yeshiva and did not create friendships with woman. I was also very good at shmirat habrit. However, it took me a few years to meet my wife. All that time without any outlet for my sexual feelings took its toll. For about a year I looked at p*** habitually, mas*****d, and even used a bad webcam site. I even had an internet filter, but I also had the password
   When I was dating my now wife I cleaned up my act. A couple years into marriage, I had an occasional relapse, but did not get hooked. Eventually I realized that she should have the password for the filter.
A few more years into the marriage and we do not have a great relationship. Our bedroom is dead. I even considered leaving, with the kids and all we both still hope things will get to a better place. We did some marriage therapy. I found it helped a bit but it was a long and arduous with no clear indication of how long it would take to get us to a good place (if it even could).
     Which brings me to why I am here. The lack of sex became more and more difficult and I find myself looking at porn a few times a week. Yesterday I sunk so low that I used a bad webcam site, while also doing inappropriate things in front of the camera. I feel I betrayed her and hashem. I also made a request for a new filter on the internet. 

Any encouragement helps. Also, what would you recommend as a healthy outlet if I start to think about doing that stuff? 

Hi,

Thanks for posting. It's great for all of us to see how many poeple are devoted to working on this area!

In terms of what you've been doing, it's true its not amazing, but we all do bad things. I dont just mean the poeple on the site, I mean everyone. So, whislt its not good, its not the end of the road by any means.

As a Baa'al teshuva, you might be feeling let down as perhaps you thought it would all be rosy and fun? Did you know about the down sides (not meant negatively, more practically) of keepng Mitzvos when you made that choice?  

In terms of healthy outlets, there isnt always one. Sometimes you;ll be able to walk away, soemtimes not. I find that steering clear of triggers is a good start. B"H its been a while since it was really bad for me, but I recall those feelings and the best way to avoid them, is not to think about them to begin with - easier said than done. 

I need to go now, will try and add more later. 

How are you doing?

Nu? How u been?

Thanks for asking. On a personally level I have done a lot of work on self care and liking myself more. I experience ups and downs when it comes to shmirat enayim.

The marriage is another story. No positive steps since the original post. A wife not providing sex is considered grounds for divorce and I have been giving that option some serious consideration as of late. Not easy considering she is a nice person and we have two kids, but it may be the best course of action in the long run

simpleJew66 wrote on 17 Dec 2020 13:40:

Do you know why she's uninterested? Has she ever explained? 

so long story short, she wasn't happy with our sex life when it was very active. Didnt feel satisfying to her. 

simpleJew66 wrote on 20 Dec 2020 20:32:

I I understand. But can you pinpoint exactly what was bothering her? Was it the fact that it was too often, or the way it was done. Was it the physical aspect or the emotional part?