I'm a married 28 year old with BH beautiful children. My first exposure to pornography was even before I had any desires - by a friends house. As I became older being that I had open internet I was curious and got hooked. Fast forward till now. Along the way there were plenty of ups and even more downs. I was embarrassed of my issue although contrary to what many people feel I felt that most guys have this problem so it wasn't such a major problem. Currently I have a top notch filter combined with accountability and can't really get around them. The major problem for me is that the second I have open internet access I know what I would do. I feel like an addict that can't drink because there is nothing to drink but in essence am still an addict. Its such a beracha to be truly free not just in body but also in mind. This is why I'm reaching out and trying to really break this addiction with others who have struggled and gone through this already/those who are still struggling. Any advice/chizuk goes a long way. (That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It took me months till I decided to post something here)

"struggled and gone through this already/those who are still struggling"

Welcome!
I subscribe to both camps ;-) & :-(

I half expected such an answer
Thanks for the  welcome

JoyOfLife wrote on 12 Jul 2018 14:12:

I think I have that problem too, but I don't think it's just me. I think everyone does. I can only be as smart, capable, sophisticated as the yetzer hara I have access to. I think this is why we daven not to be tested.

I have had no ability to use p*** for years because I am certain (from previous experience) that when I go use the internet to get turned on my computer will develop problems. The first time this happened the hard drive came to a very loud halt. That is the long-term reason I don't do p***, I want my computer to work.

That divine assistance is both an asset and a liability, because I am free of p*** but I am very weak in that area. If I got kidnapped and forced to watch 8mm p*** movies I'd probably go ahead (I imagine.)

But I can live with that because I think the other scenarios are unlikely. In your situation is accessing internet-capable computers unlikely, likely, or somewhat likely? If the answer is "somewhat likely" then you may have to make some changes in your life, to push the needle either to one side or the other. Then you can proceed to become very weak and very safe, or very strong (whether on your own or with a support group.)

JoyOfLife wrote on 12 Jul 2018 14:12:

We want and hunt the desirable food for our addiction.
Just to stop isn't enough. Just being clean is also not enough.
I'm in the same boat as you. I'm clean and sometimes for really long stretches,  but the desire for the evil never stopped or went away.

Welcome !

Sounds like your no slouch in the ring taking on the yh -great !
I am no expert just a nice guy with a similar situation... 
but if as you say you actually would immediately fall on unfiltered internet than theres probably more - meaning lust  which manifests itself in way more than just porn , that is something that needs to be looked at honestly and tackled using some of the many great tools and methods on the website.

Hatzlacha

I think I understand what you're saying. Truth is that for me the probability of accessing open internet in my daily life is very unlikely. However, with that being said its almost certain that in the not so distant future there will be times when I will be sitting in front of a computer/phone with unfiltered internet. Besides that I feel that often time (BH its getting better) I have a ridiculously hard time with desire. Even if I don't have access to view inappropriate things I still desire it and sometimes it affects days of my life where I keep on thinking on how to get hold of some material/not being clean. I really want to be free of this addiction at the source and not just with the outward symptoms of actually viewing stuff

Thanks for the chizuk! 

You're sharp - I definitely struggle with shmirat enayim/staying clean. I can also spend hours trying to figure out how to get a "fix" by getting around my filter to whatever limited degree possible (I also have an accountability partner so I need to avoid both which is extremely difficult). Whenever I found a way I almost always closed it up afterwards though so that even in times of lust I can't fall into the same loophole and need to look for a new one which takes hours and hours which often times is not successful. This is something which when it grips me it has the ability to take over my life. Usually its an issue when I'm bored and have little to do. Otherwise I try to keep myself busy so that I don't fall into this pit. With all this being said I definitely have a problem although as of late its less of an issue. The help that I need is to gain self control and not just avoid the situation. Avoiding the situation is relatively easy - its controlling myself if I'm in the situation that's the killer.

Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it!

JoyOfLife wrote on 13 Jul 2018 07:00:

You sound to me like you are in a good place because my b.s. gauge with you is very close to zero. Good for you.

I think what you need to do to get rid of that longing for p*** is to look at your life critically, like your life is there for you to enjoy. You can enjoy enlightened things like learning gemara, but either you enjoy your life or you don't. If you don't really like X don't deny it. Once you are able to look at it critically you can start making some changes so you like your new life better than the life that you have now, which you tolerated or designed with p*** in it. And thinking out of the box is hard work, and people around you can put up a lot of resistance. So you have your work cut out for you.

To be honest, I didn't fully understand your suggestion, could you clarify it a bit more? 

Your advice to look at life as something to enjoy is solid and I very much connect to that way of thinking. As far as enjoying shmutz it really depends on my state of mind. Definitely from a critical perspective it overall is not enjoyable (lower mood, more tired, etc.) yet when you're in the moment of desire my critical faculties are not exactly working all that well. I tried sitting down and doing such cheshbonos several times and it only kind of helps. Overall though it wasn't so effective just to think about things. I'm pretty sure you meant more than just thinking so if you could explain examples of what you mean I would be grateful to you.

Thanks for giving from your time to respond to help me

I don't mean that you should analyze your desire for p*** (I do it but that's not what I mean at all.) You said that you are clean but you still have a longing, you think about doing it some day, maybe. I think you could be doing that because whatever your life is like you are not happy. So you hold your nose through it because deep down you know that eventually you'll do something for yourself, which is p***. Don't underestimate your ability to tolerate a life that you don't like.



This could be very difficult to accept for you because it might mean that you don't really believe that some things you do or have taken on are really good for you. For example a woman always wants to believe that she loves her new baby, but she might have mixed feelings about her new baby, and the mixed feeljngs are really painful because she (irrationally) holds that every mother must like her new baby. In reality there's no such obligation. A mother is obligated to provide everything the new baby needs, but doesn't have to like doing it. If she can accept that she doesn't like it, then maybe she can think out of the box and change something in her life so she likes it better.



When I was dating I always made a point of going to a good restaurant so at least if the date was bad I could have a good meal.



What I am suggesting is probably hard to understand because internalizing it hurts like crazy. It may run counter to ideas you might have such as "I ought to love being a Rabbi," "I ought to love being an accomplished Rosh Yeshiva," "I ought to love learning gemara all day long." It may hurt your self esteem, like the mommy who hates the new baby.

Mzl paragraph 3 or 4 me no comprëndo



I think you mean to say "when life sucks, find a pacifier to suck"



No - it's time to change your diaper, and if you can't, you go and get help. And if you don't know how to ask, pray for the ability to

Not at all. If I'm a lawyer and I decide I hate my life and become an English teacher, did I find a pacifier?

The pacifier is the p***!

mzl wrote on 13 Jul 2018 10:19:

Thanks for clarifying! I think I really understood what you are getting at this time. 

First I want to make it clear that while I rarely actually look at inappropriate things on the web now (due to the aforementioned filter/accountability) I still slip up in other ways such as shmiras einayim/mz'l although I have been getting better overall lately. In fact, now that I think about contributing factors for me getting better it seems that enjoying life is one of the primary factors. In the past I kept on thinking that if only I would stop looking at garbage (before the filter) I would much happier. When that almost totally stopped I still wasn't happy. The desire for it was on my mind almost all the time even though it has somewhat calmed down. Its only when I live the dreams that I envision for myself contrary to all the objections that I have in my mind of why I can't live that way, that I feel happier. I definitely need to work on being happier though, Hashem sent the perfect shaliach to tell me exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you mzl for the solid advice! Much appreciated!

np, hope you think up some options that are good for you and that also give nachas to Hashem ...