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A struggling bochur
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TOPIC: A struggling bochur 59768 Views

Re: A struggling bochur 04 Oct 2019 03:31 #343983

Thanks everyone for your wishes! BH it was the first and only person I met, perhaps in the merit of gye..
Feel free to pm me, currently a lucky choson which merited to have discovered gye 1.5 years ago which BH totally changed my life from one extreme to the other!

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 16 Oct 2019 06:18 #344199

Gut moied everyone,

I know there's many bochurim who read my thread as I keep getting pm and emails.

I'm not really active on gye anymore as I dont really have service in Yeshivah and I'm BH a choson getting married in a few weeks but....

 ...for some reason the eibishter had rachmonus on some struggling bochurim like me and redirected them to this site, most people on gye aren't as lucky as us. 

I'm super happy that I had some guts to
- start my own thread
- keep posting my journey
- approach a random mashpia and tell him first thing about my porn issue
- go to therapy
- attend live SMART recovery meetings (thanks to lenegditamid100, which took great courage for me to meet face to face with him a bunch of times, great guy, keep up your amazing work!!!!)
- join dov's calls 
- taphsik method etc

Bh I had the courage to continue fighting and fighting no matter what came my way, and as i was telling one bochur tonight there's no easy way to stop the lusting life but the fact you know about gye as a bochur, use it out to the fullest!! Do whatever it takes and fight and fight! And bezh when you get married you won't need gye anymore.

So bochur'l, shvitz and use out the awesome opportunity presented to you now to fix this issue whilst you're still single.

Looking forward to seeing more bochurim posting their success story!!

Shnitzel,
Feel free to pm me, currently a lucky choson which merited to have discovered gye 1.5 years ago which BH totally changed my life from one extreme to the other!

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 16 Oct 2019 22:50 #344207

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mazel tov! may you only have simcha and nachas and wonderful shalom bayis!

Re: A struggling bochur 17 Oct 2019 00:13 #344212

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 16 Oct 2019 06:18:
Gut moied everyone,

I know there's many bochurim who read my thread as I keep getting pm and emails.

I'm not really active on gye anymore as I dont really have service in Yeshivah and I'm BH a choson getting married in a few weeks but....

 ...for some reason the eibishter had rachmonus on some struggling bochurim like me and redirected them to this site, most people on gye aren't as lucky as us. 

I'm super happy that I had some guts to
- start my own thread
- keep posting my journey
- approach a random mashpia and tell him first thing about my porn issue
- go to therapy
- attend live SMART recovery meetings (thanks to lenegditamid100, which took great courage for me to meet face to face with him a bunch of times, great guy, keep up your amazing work!!!!)
- join dov's calls 
- taphsik method etc

Bh I had the courage to continue fighting and fighting no matter what came my way, and as i was telling one bochur tonight there's no easy way to stop the lusting life but the fact you know about gye as a bochur, use it out to the fullest!! Do whatever it takes and fight and fight! And bezh when you get married you won't need gye anymore.

So bochur'l, shvitz and use out the awesome opportunity presented to you now to fix this issue whilst you're still single.

Looking forward to seeing more bochurim posting their success story!!

Shnitzel,

Beautiful post but one sentence hit me.
You wrote,
"And bezh when you get married you won't need gye anymore."
Sorry, but Marriage doesn't fix, sometimes even makes worse.
Wishing you a Mazel tov for the wedding.
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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Re: A struggling bochur 25 Oct 2019 04:45 #344446

Thanks everyone for their wishes and wonderful brochos!

Being that I'm getting married iyh very soon this is my official last post on gye for now, I really hope I never have to come visit gye again and I'll start off my married life with gye behind me. 

Thanks everyone for their encouragement since day 1, for the tips, for the cheering and I'm soooo glad I found this site 1.5 years ago. 

!!מי כעמך ישראל 
Feel free to pm me, currently a lucky choson which merited to have discovered gye 1.5 years ago which BH totally changed my life from one extreme to the other!

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 25 Oct 2019 04:57 #344450

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Fortunate is the chosson who goes to his chupa clean and with a healthy and proper perspective on sexuality. And very fortunate is his kallah…… May Hashem shower you with mazel and brocho!
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Re: A struggling bochur 25 Oct 2019 21:55 #344507

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Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 25 Oct 2019 04:45:
Thanks everyone for their wishes and wonderful brochos!

Being that I'm getting married iyh very soon this is my official last post on gye for now, I really hope I never have to come visit gye again and I'll start off my married life with gye behind me. 

Thanks everyone for their encouragement since day 1, for the tips, for the cheering and I'm soooo glad I found this site 1.5 years ago. 

!!מי כעמך ישראל 

Mazal Tov. May you merit to visit gye just to give them donations.

Re: A struggling bochur 27 Oct 2019 18:08 #344544

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mazal tov again and thanks for all your chizuk!
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: A struggling bochur 28 Oct 2019 13:42 #344579

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I just wanted to elaborate on a certain point you raised:" marriage.. sometimes even makes worse."
not to vent too much, but that was my experience.
I expected marriage and intimacy to be great. Problem was, my wife wasn't into it, and didn't like it. No matter what I tried or spoke, physically or verbally. This went on for over ten years. She constantly blamed me for being too worked up, too masculine, too needy.
needless to say, this contributed greatly to the stage (@utlizing the amazing tools of gye) that I am in now. I take full responsibility for any wrong doing that I have committed. Yet, I kinda think that had my wife been into things more, or at least had a positive compromising attitude, I would have been less likely to have sunk to my present position.
I spoke with some knowledgable people, (chosson teachers, therapists) who say my marital issues are common amongst yeshiva people.
and yes, we have attended couples therapy.... For years...
even though she did recently turn around a bit, I still harbour resentment  (unfortunately). That makes working on this relationship quite difficult.
So my friend, good luck on your marriage. My advice, keep expectations low for now, you may be presently surprised.
sorry to dampen the mood, i just wish someone would have told this to me when I was at your stage. 
mazal tov.

Re: A struggling bochur 28 Oct 2019 13:44 #344580

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If someone has advice (eitzah) for me, please feel free to post... it will be read and appreciated. Perhaps a different thread would be appropriate. 

Re: A struggling bochur 28 Oct 2019 14:02 #344581

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Shteigen613 wrote on 28 Oct 2019 13:42:
I just wanted to elaborate on a certain point you raised:" marriage.. sometimes even makes worse."
not to vent too much, but that was my experience.
I expected marriage and intimacy to be great. Problem was, my wife wasn't into it, and didn't like it. No matter what I tried or spoke, physically or verbally. This went on for over ten years. She constantly blamed me for being too worked up, too masculine, too needy.
needless to say, this contributed greatly to the stage (@utlizing the amazing tools of gye) that I am in now. I take full responsibility for any wrong doing that I have committed. Yet, I kinda think that had my wife been into things more, or at least had a positive compromising attitude, I would have been less likely to have sunk to my present position.
I spoke with some knowledgable people, (chosson teachers, therapists) who say my marital issues are common amongst yeshiva people.
and yes, we have attended couples therapy.... For years...
even though she did recently turn around a bit, I still harbour resentment  (unfortunately). That makes working on this relationship quite difficult.
So my friend, good luck on your marriage. My advice, keep expectations low for now, you may be presently surprised.
sorry to dampen the mood, i just wish someone would have told this to me when I was at your stage. 
mazal tov.

important post for all  chasanim and us old timers,thanks for sharing and mazal tov on reaching your 90 days, chazak!
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: A struggling bochur 28 Oct 2019 14:05 #344582

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why do you think only yeshiva people have this problem and what do you think can be done?i think yeshiva people who are makpid on tznius between men and women with nigiah and guarding our minds are the ones who should enjoy a healthy ,happy and satisfying marriage
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: A struggling bochur 28 Oct 2019 14:14 #344583

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I'm not sure if this problem is more prominent in the yeshiva community.  But I will say this.  There is somewhat of a mixed message that is taught in the Bais Yaakov system.  For years, girls are taught tznius and how important it is.  Then when they get married, they suddenly hear a completely different message when it comes to intimacy with their husband.  It is extremely difficult to re-calibrate ones thinking that fast.  I'm not sure if there is a better solution out there.  

Re: A struggling bochur 28 Oct 2019 14:40 #344586

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Dave M wrote on 28 Oct 2019 14:14:
I'm not sure if this problem is more prominent in the yeshiva community.  But I will say this.  There is somewhat of a mixed message that is taught in the Bais Yaakov system.  For years, girls are taught tznius and how important it is.  Then when they get married, they suddenly hear a completely different message when it comes to intimacy with their husband.  It is extremely difficult to re-calibrate ones thinking that fast.  I'm not sure if there is a better solution out there.  

What?
Completely different message?
Some of us wish they were taught a different message!
Which kallah classes are they teachin' anythin' which is contrary to tznius? 
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Re: A struggling bochur 28 Oct 2019 14:46 #344587

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Dave M means that in bais yaakov they are taught to stay away from boys ,no touching kissing ,what you see in the street by goyim is evil and disgusting (which it is,and i never went to bais yaakov), and then when they get married they are taught to come close to men (their husband)etc.
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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