I’m fairly new to this site I don’t know the rules but im glad I found you guys and I guess I’ll introduce my self with my story.
im a addict for 20 years I was so into my addiction and didn’t turn my head back, I believe I have hit a rock bottom and I’m trying to recover for the past 6 months But my path for recovery so far is relapse failure and depression.
my sick habits started when I was 10 years old for about 3 years I was in a sexual relationship with a adult stranger I was molested by this guy very often was shown the worst kind of pornagerphy and was given money and gifts, I wasn’t really hurt at the time and it didn’t hunt me but now when I’m writing about it for the first time I can’t hold my tairs back I’m crying for the first time in a long time, my years in Yeshive followed with a lot of struggle i didn’t act out with other people but there was a lot of pain and I masterbated daily, I’m married know for 13 years with a beautiful wife and large family, but from day one i have lived a double life I didn’t control myself I have acted out inappropriate almost on daily bases in ways I’m ashamed to think about. I start to work on myself for recovery about 6 Monthes ago back then I was sober for 30 days i wasn’t able to hold it since for more then 7 days, at the moment I’m broken devastated and hopeless I’m crying to god for help and I don’t know where to turn. I definitely can use any chisuk and advice and I’m committed to use all the research and resource available on this site.

Welcome!
I'm sorry to hear about the terrible things you went through as a kid.
GYE is a great place, we are all in this together to support each other. Keep on posting, get to know the site and the people here and with God's help you will see recovery.

welcome that was alot real raw pain but it is a great first step and with gods help you will see 
much hatslocho  your in the right hands
what steps did you take already did you think of therapy that sounds like a very traumatic experience as a kid 
whatever it is keep us posted stick around and watch the wonders great people here

wow you really show us what a Holy Neshama you have to have gone through such an experience  and not give up , im sure you will see alot of chizuk from gye ,just as we are recovering we hope to see your recovery as well,you really have gone through alot.Chazak chazak! im no expert but maybe you should see a therepist for what you have gone through in your early years,it will probably help you very much emotionaly.it must have taken alot of strengh to write  about your past,good for you!

Thanks all of you for the kind response.
i did start therapy but while looking for a therapist I didn’t know that there is help and support in the hemishe community and I wasn’t looking for help in the community because my nightmare from my childhood pain isn’t from the abuser but from my rabbi that while disclosing to him my abuse I was beaten in front of the classroom ashamed for the others teachers and the infernation was past on to all Yeshive’s I went to, I think that this experience lead me to a huge hate distrust and disconnect from my friends and community, I don’t want to be taken wrong here I’m not blaming or pointing fingers on anyone for actions I did to myself I’m just putting my story out there after a long time keeping it for myself, and trying to get the help cus I know now that I cant do it by myself, I don’t think my current Therepist can relay to my situation so I would appreciate some suggestions from anyone that knows better.

Welcome CFR, That is an awful story and I hope you can find the strength to work through it and become the person you really want to be. Coming here was a great step in that direction here you will find acceptance, understanding, encouragement, and a variety of tools and resources to help you along the way.
As for finding a therapist that can understand and relate, perhaps try contacting Relief.
Hatzlacha!

Welcome!  You have taken a very important step in the right direction.  Does anyone else know about the molestation?  Did you ever go to therapy?  You may want to consider it.  It may have affected you a lot more than you realize.

Keep posting.  We are here for you.

Wishing you hatzlacha.

It is going to be difficult.  But never give up.  Many have struggled for years and broken free.

Welcome on board.  My heart cries for you and all that you are suffering through right now.  It didn't make sense to me the first time I heard the following, "One day at a time".  However, over time I have begun to understand it.  At first, I was way too small to fix today, so I fixed right now.  After a short time, I could fix that hour. Eventually I found that I could fix today. Currently, I am way too small to fix this week and this month and certainly the rest of my life.  But I can work on today and fix it.  Look around the site and start using the tools that are here and take it slow. Every victory no matter how small will help you to win bigger battles.  My yetzer tells me that if I can't undo all that I have done wrong in the past then why even try, but that is pure Sheker.  Every minute, hour and day count and add up together to help me and you to move on.
Hatzlacha and kol tuv,
chaimyakov

small update,.At the moment I'm feeling realy hopeful for a bright future, after thinking that there is no hope, With the help and support of some friends at GYE I committed myself to invest all the spear time I have which were used for lusting in the past into recovery (shocking to find out the amount of hours I have) I'm now doing meetings every day and reaching out to people all day long, so far I was able to go with true sobriety for long 9 days, I'm gonna be doing that 1 hour at a time, and praying to Hashem for help. my biggest fair now is a relapse I just don't know if ill be able to handle it, I'm still  struggling every day to escape to my habits I started to struggle with emotions and regrets for the life I had till now and for my family I have hurt. Sobriety is my only option GOD  knows how much I want it, and I'm having hope that I will not lose my mind.
I thank you all for your posts and support. Good Shabbos 

you sound like youre doing great ! keep it up!

As I started the journey here feel I need to come back with a update,   after joining SA I thought there is no hope for me, I was relapsing every 2th day and even I worked with a sponsor went to a tone of meetings and listened to lots of speeches the max I ever reached was 30 days, but after not giving up and kept coming back with the help of the fellowship and the tools of the program god gave now 95 days of sobriety one day at a time. I'm out of time but ill check back in to update on how the program is working for me if I work it

Cryingforrecovery wrote on 06 May 2019 21:34:

Mazel tov buddy!! Inspiration for all of us. Continued hatzlocha b'ezras Hashem.

Wow you are a real inspiration and proof that recovery works if you work it!

It's all about figuring out a good game plan for recovery and actually working through your plan!

 Love your friend Yankel!

Coming in to the program I was just not able to stay sober no matter how hard I fought and amount of phone calls I made and meetings attended.
I would just like to share some small parts of my  journey to 90 days and some of the challenges and how with the help of fellowship I realized that god can do the miracle Of keeping sober today if I just let him,

My biggest challenge was at first that my sick head was telling me and I was convinced that I’m unique with my ways of acting out and struggles and I have it harder then anyone else so I can’t recover, going to meetings and listening to hundreds of check ins and shares from sober old timers and the main thing working on shame and sharing honestly about my crazy insane actions and fantasy's got me a lot of feed back and  forced me to realize that No one is unique in this program and I can’t judge my inside with someone else’s outside and god can do it for me if he did it for others, so I continued putting in the work and working my steps but I was powerless over staying sober and lust always found his way in, 

At one point I called a member crying to him that I am in the city and want to stay sober but I don’t even know why I’m calling him because I Have no chance lust is hitting me from everywhere. that old timer explained me that I’m in a much better place then most addicts because I realize that I can’t make it, and Promised me that if I’m gonna accept that This is a disease, and I go on a lust diet with boundaries on my “first look” action or fantasy , god will keep me sober and it was really hitting me that I can not go to the city or isolate at night in my car if I don’t wanna die, I’m a sick person and meetings is not gonna help me if I’m still eating the Poison at that point I wrote down my boundaries not to go in the city by myself, not to be isolated even for a few min and plan every hour for the next what I will do to stay sober, and for the first time in my life with a lot of prayers  God gave me 30 days of sobriety, up until I got a little confident that I got it and I can make it and this is when I had this terrible relapse which now I can see was the best thing that could ever happen to my recovery.. gotta go to be continued

Planning hour by hour, or even 10 minute blocks by 10 minute blocks, is useful. And realistic.
Sometimes even taking it day by day seems like a long time.