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TOPIC: Changeing my life 3595 Views

Changeing my life 23 Jan 2018 01:58 #325851

Hi I have been having this struggle atleast since I am 14/15 now I am married with kids. 

I have wanted to make real, real life changes for forever. Create new habits. Become a different man. I really thought I can and part of me still does. 

I have been clean for 2 months and 5 days. I thought that I was onto something. And then very quickly it slipped away. I masturbated 3 times. one after the next. and as far as I know their was no major need to self medicate. Yes I have been a bit tired and sleep deprived and it was a slow day in the office. but nothing too crazy. 


I have so many things that I want for myself. but I never attain. a baby is on the way and I thought that finally I would bring him into a new clean home and I would be a proper father and husband. Clean. 

I promised myself this Rosh Hashana that I would finally start a Diary to keep track of my progress and this is the first time that I am writing. I would like this fall to be the start of something real and new. I would like to write daily. Until now I thought that I don't need tools like GYE. I was doing good. 64 days almost at the 90 mark and never really had any major strong urges. I thought I was fine. and then this tiny urge just took me there. 

I never told my wife about my problem. I am not sure that I want to. But I do know that I can't tell her until I have a significant clean period. She may suspect me. Today I came home late even thought I didnt have much going on. and she had sent me this cute invite for dinner at 6pm and I told her that I didnt have much going on. I didn't show up until a quarter to 8. I don't want to let my family down. Sometimes I feel so cold about myself that I can't even let myself down. but at least my wife and kids. for them maybe I can do it. 

So here goes today Vav Shevat Jan 22nd day 1 of 90 days 
Last Edit: 23 Jan 2018 02:08 by For me and my family. Reason: I was mid thought and had to stop

Re: Changeing my life 23 Jan 2018 04:40 #325855

  • lionking
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Welcome!
First of all, I would like to apologize. I tried to add a karma to you and since I'm on a mobile device, my finger hit the minus sign in error. I need to wait 6 hours to rectify this mistake. My time out zone for the night is at 11:45. Will need to up it in the morning.

I think this a lesson in life, sometimes we click just one click, and fall. However to get back up is not instantaneous. It is a long slow journey. 
from your post it seems like you have too much expectations of yourself. One old timer here once said "I"m acting like I am expecting, I need to be accepting". Don't be too harsh on yourself, and go through the quickmire of guilt and depression. Now is not the time to focus on the past, it will only cause you to want to excape to act out again.
Just brush yourself up, and be accepting of any oddballs Hashem throws your way.

Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Changeing my life 23 Jan 2018 04:55 #325857

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LK you can't make technical gliches. I removed the minus 

FM&MF welcome to the club ;-)
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Re: Changeing my life 23 Jan 2018 15:08 #325869

Kol ha'cavode on your efforts to get up after a fall. I feel that I am in a similar place as you. 25 days ago when I joined GYE I realized that I had sunk low and needed a change and some better tools to help me improve.

Keep up your efforts. Don't be discourage by a fall. Be inspired by your ability to get up. The power of tshuva makes all change possible.

Keep your wife and children front and center. Not to create guilt; but, to be inspired.

Hatzlacha raba.

Re: Changeing my life 24 Jan 2018 14:03 #325915

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Welcome!  I can totally relate.  I was in exactly your position.  Unfortunately, it took my wife catching me for me to change.  But, I did not really change until finding this wonderful site.  Use it's resources.  Check out the handbook.  Keep posting.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.  I acted out for over 2 decades.  I had all but given up hope.  I'm now sober for 8 1/2 years.  So many have been helped here.  You can be too.  I wish you all the best!

Re: Changeing my life 24 Jan 2018 14:30 #325923

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Welcome! Hope to see you more.

I found trying to be good for others' sake is a short-term fix. At the end of the day I'm all about me. And my desire will trump others' needs in a significant way when push comes to shove.

I had the same cheshbonos about the new baby with our first son. I said, "Wow Hashem, a boy! I can perform the mitzvah of bris milah! Now I surely won't masturbate again!!!"
But then I realised I just put my lust on a pedastal, the centre of the universe, sheathed in full armour, mostly impervious to any attacks, as I hopelessly tried to throw anything at it, life event, gratitude point etc to perhaps dent that sturdy armour. To no avail; I acted out mere weeks after. And again and again. And then an old friend, someone in my grade at school, died from cluster headaches. And I davened mincha at the shiva house and just thanked Hashem for such a gift of life and said I wouldn't masturbate ever again!
--
-

Yeah, I now know I cannot trust myself no matter how much brocha Hashem rains down on me.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Changeing my life 24 Jan 2018 16:39 #325929

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Singularity wrote on 24 Jan 2018 14:30:
Welcome! Hope to see you more.

I found trying to be good for others' sake is a short-term fix. At the end of the day I'm all about me. And my desire will trump others' needs in a significant way when push comes to shove.

Well being that it’s his wife and kids, maybe FM & MF can use them as motivation, but look at it from your own outlook. Not that they’ll be upset if they knew, because if you do that, I find that you can just come to rebel against the fact that others will be hurt, throwing others to the wind in exchange for instant gratification. Rather look at it that for my own happiness and wellbeing I care about my relationship with my wife and kids. They are everything I care about and live for, so I have to live for myself, but that means living for the things I care about.

Re: Changeing my life 26 Jan 2018 10:51 #326018

HI Lionking, 

Thanks for the reply and the attempt at a Karma. Im new to forums so not sure what that is. But I appreciate the effort and the lesson in Avoda. So what is a karma? I see I am a 3

Honestly the last 2 days BH I didn't have any desires to look at shmutz but I have been feeling down and its been getting to my head and effecting my work. Interestingly enough, I am always a better husband after a fall possibly B/C of Guilt? and I feel a lot of love towards my wife after a fall. 

The Idea of only looking towards the future and not at the past is something that I try to live with. And I really believe that thats healthy while at the same time you still need to learn from the past. 

Re: Changeing my life 26 Jan 2018 10:55 #326020

gibbor120 wrote on 24 Jan 2018 14:03:
Welcome!  I can totally relate.  I was in exactly your position.  Unfortunately, it took my wife catching me for me to change.  But, I did not really change until finding this wonderful site.  Use it's resources.  Check out the handbook.  Keep posting.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.  I acted out for over 2 decades.  I had all but given up hope.  I'm now sober for 8 1/2 years.  So many have been helped here.  You can be too.  I wish you all the best!



Thanks, I would love to hear more of your story, if you are up for sharing. 

Re: Changeing my life 26 Jan 2018 13:41 #326023

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For me and my family wrote on 26 Jan 2018 10:55:

gibbor120 wrote on 24 Jan 2018 14:03:
Welcome!  I can totally relate.  I was in exactly your position.  Unfortunately, it took my wife catching me for me to change.  But, I did not really change until finding this wonderful site.  Use it's resources.  Check out the handbook.  Keep posting.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP.  I acted out for over 2 decades.  I had all but given up hope.  I'm now sober for 8 1/2 years.  So many have been helped here.  You can be too.  I wish you all the best!




Thanks, I would love to hear more of your story, if you are up for sharing. 


From Gye's old website

Hi,

I am relatively new to this site. I found it by "accident" about a month ago. I eagerly read a ton of material (way to much to digest - but it was so interesting). I felt a bit funny about posting on an online forum, so I contacted a couple of the moderators through PM or email first. My job does not usually keep me very busy, so I have been reading a lot of the posts on the forum during the day. I must say that you guys make me laugh quite a bit, and that's without going to the "Depressed Person's Chill Spot". Some of that stuff really made me laugh out loud - at work!

Why do I call this "My First Real Post"? Because I just couldn't resist and did post a joke already. The reason I am writing now is that I do sometimes feel like chiming in on a conversation, but think it's a bit rude to just chime in without introducing myself.

So here goes...

I grew up in a modern orthodox environment. I had access to TV, Movies, etc. As I got older, I got access to progressively worse movies. You all know the story. I began masurbating and looking for anything to trigger me. I think the first time I tried to seriously stop when I went to Yeshiva (after high school). I was one the roller coaster. I could stop for a time, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, sometimes even a few months, but I could never quit completely.

I got married, and that helped a bit for a short while. But again, as you know, marriage didn't ultimately help me. I didn't even have internet until after I was married, and as you can imagine, it made things much worse. I went through periods of relative calm, and periods of insanity, where I just needed more and more.

Finally, a couple of years ago, my wife found out. I knew I would get caught eventually, and deep down, I think I wanted to get caught - although it was mighty painful at the time! I knew that I had no chance of winning on my own. Now at least I had a chance.

We spoke with our rav and made some gedarim. It hasn't always been easy, but I have managed to stay clean for over 2 years. When I foudn this site a short while ago, it made so many things click. It clarified so many issues for me (don't worry, I have an unlimited supply of issues that I am unclear about ). I shared the material with my wife as well, and I felt able to open up a lot more. We made a lot of progress just from the material on this site. I have become more willing to share, and she has become more understanding.

I am not really the type to post on online forums. Many of them are filled with sarcasm and cynicism and are generally negative. I have been reading for a while and you guys are really first class. You are warm, loving, accepting, and non judgemental. That's the only reason I feel comfortable posting here.

Keep up the good work!
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Re: Changeing my life 26 Jan 2018 13:48 #326024

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For me and my family wrote on 26 Jan 2018 10:51:
HI Lionking, 

Thanks for the reply and the attempt at a Karma. Im new to forums so not sure what that is. But I appreciate the effort and the lesson in Avoda. So what is a karma? I see I am a 3

Honestly the last 2 days BH I didn't have any desires to look at shmutz but I have been feeling down and its been getting to my head and effecting my work. Interestingly enough, I am always a better husband after a fall possibly B/C of Guilt? and I feel a lot of love towards my wife after a fall. 

The Idea of only looking towards the future and not at the past is something that I try to live with. And I really believe that thats healthy while at the same time you still need to learn from the past. 

Karma is a points system to show that people appreciate your posts. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. Perhaps if someone posts something and he has a negative 100, you should probably be wary of his suggestion.
Regarding your feelings, I am not licensed to ccomment about. I think the feeling down iis probably withdrawal symptoms. Not sure about the guilt feelings.
Hatzlocha Rabba! 
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Changeing my life 31 Jan 2018 11:31 #326229

BH i am at day 8. Hasn't really been hard BH.

For a long while, definitely since I got married 2 years ago. and probably for a few years before acting out is not something I did on a daily basis. Whenever I did act out it would be multiple times in a row. This last fall was 3 times masturbating and after each one I thought to myself that I wont do it again and within a few minutes I was right back at it. Thats one of the biggest reasons that I am here. I want to be able to learn to say no when I fall. 

Yesterday I got into a small argument with my wife. In general, whenever one of is upset at the other we try to talk about it that same day and figure it out and not let it drag out. But for some reason this time even after we spoke I was still angry with her and I cant put a finger on why. from being angry I then went to being numb. My whole night Routine started to get out of whack. I started to spend time on my phone looking at the news (I still need to setup filters) and I thought to myself that this can lead to a fall so I just went to sleep. 

A few times I have had the clarity to realize that certain things can lead to a fall so I have to get out of the situation. Sometimes I got out or like the last time I fell, I fell. 

This morning I woke up early and again started to waste time. so here I am writing. hope you dont mind the hacken chaynik. 

On another note: i have been reading a book about habits and he writes that you need to change one small habit and that will create a ripple effect and you will start to accomplish better things for yourself. and they bring a story about this women who was a rock bottom, Heavily addicted to cigarettes, overweight, depressed and had just broken her relationship with her boyfriend. she was in egypt and woke up, reached for some cigarettes and ended up lighting her lipstick on fire and she tried to smoke it! she decided then that things have to change and decided that she would come back in a year and journey across the desert that she saw out of her window. She thought to herself that she must give up smoking if she wants to get healthy enough to make the trac. long story short, not only did she give up cigarettes, she lost 100 pounds, got into a new healthy relationship started a new business and bought a home. 

Re: Changeing my life 31 Jan 2018 12:10 #326230

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Great post. Continued hatzlocha. As you wrote "one of the biggest reasons that i am here.... I want to be able to learn to say no when i fall" - stay connected, continue to share, forage on the forums for eitzos, stay focused, maybe even reach out to some of the chevra here by phone - iyh you will be very successful.
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Re: Changeing my life 01 Feb 2018 20:06 #326302

Hashem Help Me wrote on 31 Jan 2018 12:10:
Great post. Continued hatzlocha. As you wrote "one of the biggest reasons that i am here.... I want to be able to learn to say no when i fall" - stay connected, continue to share, forage on the forums for eitzos, stay focused, maybe even reach out to some of the chevra here by phone - iyh you will be very successful.

Thanks and Amen! 

Re: Changeing my life 06 Feb 2018 21:07 #326559

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Welcome!  I would work on saying no in the first place.  It's really hard to stop falling in the middle.  Find healthy ways to keep from falling the first time.  (I'm not advocating falling multiple times.  I'm just saying that I would put the emphasis on preventing the first fall).
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