ieeyc id love to continue the conversation but it's gotta be on your thread - I don't like to take over yankels thread...

Don't forget, myself and everyone else has 'taken out their pen' and created their own journey thread - to which you have replied, so please do the same, and others wiser than me will reply to you on your דרך עלייה

No need to write your entire story in the first post - same as Yankel is doing ;-)

Hey Yankel I feel for you - that's what friends are for!

I'm trying to find the 'support-shoulder' smiley...

In meanwhile you'll have to take a 

Thanks for your love!

BTW who likes my new Avatar??

  U ALL YANKEL!

Markz wrote on 09 Jan 2018 18:01:

sorry , i just wanted to be polite and comment on your comment,didnt want it to be a hit and run   see ya on my new thread purim (pesach?)time

yankel, i like your new avatar,it says it all , gotta go to sleep was working last night

iampowerless wrote on 09 Jan 2018 18:53:

It's good, and I like your location 

Hi everyone today is going to be a tough day. 1. As i'm by work and it's extremely quiet and that is a recipe for dizzzzzzaster 2.i have a test later tonight which is causing me a lot of anxiety (b/c if i fail it's $400 to the garbage) 3. it's Thursday, somehow the end of the week it's always the hardest.

But guess what i'm done giving excuses for why i act out i have done that for 3 years already and such a double life sucks and has terrible long term consequences such as feeling low about myself, depression, as well as terrible consequences on your marriage and children (iy'h i should be zoche to both soon), and guess what it doesn't even fix the original stress that caused you to act out it just makes it worse. I know that even with all the excuses out there i could stay clean. and i will stay clean ODAAT therefore i will stay clean today, and regain the life i deserve.

I'm thinking a lot about the pain all you dear brothers who are stuck in the mud are going through, you deserve better join me in getting out of the mud doesn't matter how many times you tried start again today, and add a few pieces to your sobriety puzzle to help you stay clean! i've done a lot of crying the last couple of days. Some days where really tough but baruch hashem i pulled through c'mon stop just posting it's time to start living! 

LOTS OF LOVE YANKEL 
YOUR FRIEND WHO WILL GET SOBER ODAAT 

anyways to continue my story, yankele (poor little boy) is leading a triple life things at home got so bad and Yankele got hospitalized, (he didn't deserve it) when get's back to yeshiva he tells his friends he was taking fahers and the rosh hayeshiva gives him an ultimatum make peace with the other boy or else........yankele had such a huge ego so he decided he will change yeshivas as there is no way he will give in to threats to make peace and so he does (since he was considered MR shpitz he had no problem getting into another prominent yeshiva) and with the changing of yeshivas yankele tries to put all the past trauma behind him and to start anew, and so he came into this new yeshiva and starts learning nonstop (being the only kid from his shiur who made a siyum that year ) but the pain and the emotions from everything that happened just get's buried deep inside of him and while he stopped fighting with his parent's there is still a lot of anger, trauma and hurt from the past that's hidden deep inside of him and so the years go by  with just trying to ignore the past. but there was a part of yankele that craved love (as he was missing that in his life), and so he turned to pornography to fill in the void (whenever he was able to as there was no internet access in his house) and that was the early stages of my addiction. anyways to be continued. Hey what are people's thought's so far as they hear my story?
would you mind sharing them i think it will help me, hearing peoples thoughts?

Thanks,
Yankele!

You're anything but powerless....
Thanks for sharing your story, very dramatic and very sad.
So far your bottom line is similar to many of us; you're a good person going through some difficult things in life & addicted to ***porn***. But when you'll be out with your full story we will have the full picture.

Yankele, so many similarities to my own story.... You are BH doing great getting it all out and finding out you are in the company of chevra who really understand you. Your a good solid guy with your head screwed on straight.

following 12th grade (after 3 years of hiding from everything that i went through and constant masturbation and occasionally watching inappropriate content in private) being that on the outside to my yeshiva i was considered a great guy socially and academically, my rabbeim sent me to one of the top yeshivas. When i got there being that nobody know me and i didn't feel the social pressure anymore to be the tzaddik of the class, i found that i just couldn't get myself to learn it was too emotionally draining for me and i felt a lot of anxiety and depression. And that was the 1st time i opened up a little (tiny little bit) about my past with my rebbi who recommended therapy i went for a few sessions but then the zman was up and i had decided to go to israel next zman so that was that, after arriving in israel i again couldn't get myself to learn so i kinda sat in my dirah the whole zman wasted time borrowed a friends smartphone and watched trash etc, also went to a therapist a few sessions but it never got anywhere  i'll continue motzai shabbos Iy''h

Love your friend Yankel
Healing ODAAT! 

Thanks again for sharing your story & a special thanks for doing it so detailed, I feel that you'll end up helping a lot of people here...
I see you mentioned therapy & that you went for a few sessions 2 times. I just wanna say that usually you can't see a difference after the first few sessions, in the first few sessions the therapist get to know you, then he can start working with you. I went last week for the 4th session & we are still at the beginning... Well, my story is quite complicated... I'm writing this cuz I found a few people here that went for a few sessions & then stopped going cuz they didn't see a difference (also because it's expensive...).
(I'm not talking specifically to you, I don't know what you did afterwards)

@youcan you are very welcome, it really helps me out when i hear other people's thought's on my story and i thank you for taking your time to share your thoughts!
in regards to your thoughts i guess I'll share the next chapter of my story and afterwards share my thought's on the matter so here it goes.....
after spending close to a year in israel kind of depressed and just watching garbage i came back home for bein hazmanim i called my rebbi from my yeshiva and opened up to him about my entire past and hospitalization (but i didn't open up to him about my problems with pornography and masturbation) and he recommended i stay at home next zman and get to the bottom of what happened and go to family therapy with my parent's to deal with my past it seemed like great advice the problem was i ended up being stuck at home with nothing to do so i was very deppresed and started fighting with my parents a lot from all the stress so family therapy kind of became family war room and i never really clicked with my personal therapy so i called my rebbi again and he told me to come back to yeshiva and come to meet him and so i did.....after meeting with him we decided i should get a job in Lakewood and go to therapy this was 2 years ago and baruch hashem that was very helpful i got a decent job eventually i switched to an even better job and i started building myself back up at the same time i went to a therapist who was mediocre i do think i gained a lot from him and baruch hashem he kept me afloat but i never feel we truly finished the job (i think it's important to stress that while all this was going on in my life none of my friends really knew what's going on as socially and outwardly i always portrayed myself as a real successful bachur and just i was a little too geshmak to stay in yeshiva and that's why i went to work) so now here i am with a real dark, painful and secretive past a nice amount of work already done but i have yet to have tackled my masturbation problem you see  even though i told my past therapist he told me that because of my situation being lonely and alone it was happening and not to concentrate on it (some real dumb advice) so here i am finally realizing and tackling this destructive problem 
also since he wasn't so good i still feel i need to work more on the trauma of my past so this is my story 
@youcan so to answer your thoughts on therapists you are 100% right you have to give time to a therapist for things to work out and i'm still going to therapy but at the same time i feel that some people kind of get stuck with a therapist kinda what happened to me with my 1st therapist and it wasn't getting anywhere anymore. So then it's time to jump ship and find a new therapist (yes don't say therapy doesn't work rather that particular therapist didn't work and we need to find a therapist who you will click better with)

I think we have a phenomenal therapist in training on this site named iampowerless...........

So that's my story dear friends here is a short summary of my problems
1. A lot of  baggage (trauma)from the past 
2. To the outside world acting as though i'm a happy, geshmak and successful bachur
3. nonstop addiction to masturbation and viewing innapropiate pictures and pornography.

And here is what i hope to accomplish!

1. I will never be able to change what happened but i need to be able to accept what happened and make my past into a strength instead of a wickness
2. This i guess is not a problem it's a chessed that hashem did to me that i was able to put on such a great show
3. I must completely stop i baruch hashem came to the realization that it's a sickness which is going to damage my entire future

how will i accomplish my goals
1. I already went for a lot of therapy and have seen some results but i will continue with my new therapist
2. It's great! Nothing to work on this front
3. I've installed filters, started keeping in touch with fellow gye's members, listening to a lot of the recording's on 12 steps and posting non stop on the forum and baruch hashem today reached 20 days clean! 

 Love Your Dear Friend Yankel!