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just trying to do the right thing
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TOPIC: just trying to do the right thing 32446 Views

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 16:14 #345568

  • Iampowerless
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Hi everyone,

it's been a while since I last posted anyways it's been a real wild ride since then with some days of sobriety followed by constant falls (a real crazy roller coaster ride) anyways I've had enough and realized I can't continue on this path and have rejoiced SA going to 1 and some days even 2 meetings got myself a sponsor and finally started working on my 1st step.

On my next post i'll write what I've written so far hopefully it helps people to realize how crazy this disease is and take the steps necessary to achieve sobriety.

 Lot's of love yankel
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 28 Nov 2019 16:18 by Iampowerless.

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 16:23 #345570

  • sleepy
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Iampowerless wrote on 28 Nov 2019 16:14:
Hi everyone,

it's been a while since I last posted anyways it's been a real wild ride since then with some days of sobriety followed by constant falls (a real crazy roller coaster ride) anyways I've had enough and realized I can't continue on this path and have rejoiced SA going to 1 and some days even 2 meetings got myself a sponsor and finally started working on my 1st step.

On my next post i'll write what I've written so far hopefully it helps people to realize how crazy this disease is and take the steps necessary to achieve sobriety.

 Lot's of love yankel

welcome back!
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 16:33 #345572

  • Iampowerless
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Here is a list I wrote for myself of consequences of this addiction. And why i must work my SA program.

- Bipolar/roller coaster type of emotions
- Feeling extremely low very depressed and lots of anxiety.
- Get angry and upset easily due to my feeling bad and inadequate about myself
- Inability to cope with life on life terms.
- I was late for commitments or didn't show up at all because "i was busy"
- Dating/ not being able to connect properly
- Feeling fake/ leading a double life
- Not being able to relate to people properly as I'm always looking to escape.
- Not living in the present.
- Fear of getting caught from people who view me highly or by family members.
- What will my shabbos table look like if i come to it after acting out right beforehand......
- Fear of divorce in the future.
- Lack of connection to my religion
- Lots and lots of shame
- Fear of a terrible marriage/relationships with my kids
- Physically drained/dizzy from acting out so many times
- Getting fired from jobs if caught
- Lack of enjoyment in life/ from real intimacy
- Avoidance of tasks/goals/responsibilities.
- Got involved in car crash and cut myself due to the dizziness after falling.
- I lacked any spiritual/meaning in my life
- caused progression in my viewing habits and what i need to see to get my fix.
- Caused me to lie/steal to protect myself or get my fix.
- Caused me to completly lose myself and masterbate/watch pornography in extremely compulsive and sickening ways.
- Will cause me to abuse my future wife expecting her to do all kinds of sickening things/ always expecting her to be extremely pretty and she must do all kinds of positions for me regardless of whether she feels ok about it.

Guys as you can clearly see it's a crazy and deadly dizease enough with taking shortcuts and doing funny commitments/programs it's time to realize we must do everything possible to recover including getting off of GYE and actually doing a real live recovery program we can not continue to let this addiction wreak havoc in our lifes.

 Lots of love Yankel the addict in recovery
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 28 Nov 2019 17:28 by Iampowerless.

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 17:02 #345576

  • sleepy
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Iampowerless wrote on 28 Nov 2019 16:33:
Here is a list I wrote for myself of consequences of this addiction. And why i must work my SA program.

- Bipolar/roller coaster type of emotions
- Feeling extremely low very depressed and lots of anxiety.
- Get angry and upset easily due to my feeling bad and inadequate about myself
- Inability to cope with life on life terms.
- I was late for commitments or didn't show up at all because "i was busy"
- Dating/ not being able to connect properly
- Feeling fake/ leading a double life
- Not being able to relate to people properly as I'm always looking to escape.
- Not living in the present.
- Fear of getting caught from people who view me highly or by family members.
- Fear of divorce in the future.
- Lack of connection to my religion
- Lots and lots of shame
- Fear of a terrible marriage/relationships with my kids
- Physically drained/dizzy from acting out so many times
- Getting fired from jobs if caught
- Lack of enjoyment in life/ from real intimacy
- Avoidance of tasks/goals/responsibilities.
- Got involved in car crash and cut myself due to the dizziness after falling.
- I lacked any spiritual/meaning in my life
- Caused me to lie to hide and protect myself.
- caused progression in my viewing habits and what i need to see to get my fix.

Guys as you can clearly see it's a crazy and deadly dizease enough with taking shortcuts and doing funny commitments/programs it's time to realize we must do everything possible to recover including getting off of GYE and actually doing a real live recovery program we can not continue to let this addiction wreak havoc in our lifes.

 Lots of love yankel feel free to reach out

wow! what a post! thank you for looking deep into your heart and sharing.much hatzlacha! as far as - Feeling fake/ leading a double life​,you haved to know that after falling, youre not fake for putting on tefilin, just because one ate garlic should he  continue to eat garlic?yes when it comes to lust we fall and sin because the urge was great, but the urge to not  to put on tefilin /Daven /Learn  is not great, aderaba i want  to do those things,and the only reason why i feel i dont sometimes is because i feel fake /phony and Hashem doesnt want fake /phonys,and the truth is that Hashem wants your avoda,so keep it up.thats why for me ,the way to get rid of those fakphony feelings is to wash my hand s say a vidui and be mekabel not to fall again, ois it a sincere Teshuva/vidui? a resounding yes , because for the next 5 min. i really dont plan on sinning again , what will come afterwards is not my business,hatzlacha!
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 17:34 #345578

  • Iampowerless
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@sleepy in theory you are 100% correct. Unfortunately our feelings/emotions which are what I as an addict lead and act out life based on them unfortunately don't always follow theory..........

Thanks a lot for your kind words, how is your recovery journey going? Getting where you feel you need to?

 Regards Yankel
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 28 Nov 2019 17:37 by Iampowerless.

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 18:38 #345581

  • Mark18
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Here is a list I wrote for myself of consequences of this addiction. And why i must work my SA program.



- Bipolar/roller coaster type of emotions

- Feeling extremely low very depressed and lots of anxiety.

- Get angry and upset easily due to my feeling bad and inadequate about myself

- Inability to cope with life on life terms.

- I was late for commitments or didn't show up at all because "i was busy"

- Dating/ not being able to connect properly

- Feeling fake/ leading a double life

- Not being able to relate to people properly as I'm always looking to escape.

- Not living in the present.

- Fear of getting caught from people who view me highly or by family members.

- What will my shabbos table look like if i come to it after acting out right beforehand......

- Fear of divorce in the future.

- Lack of connection to my religion

- Lots and lots of shame

- Fear of a terrible marriage/relationships with my kids

- Physically drained/dizzy from acting out so many times

- Getting fired from jobs if caught

- Lack of enjoyment in life/ from real intimacy

- Avoidance of tasks/goals/responsibilities.

- Got involved in car crash and cut myself due to the dizziness after falling.

- I lacked any spiritual/meaning in my life

- caused progression in my viewing habits and what i need to see to get my fix.

- Caused me to lie/steal to protect myself or get my fix.

- Caused me to completly lose myself and masterbate/watch pornography in extremely compulsive and sickening ways.

- Will cause me to abuse my future wife expecting her to do all kinds of sickening things/ always expecting her to be extremely pretty and she must do all kinds of positions for me regardless of whether she feels ok about it.



Guys as you can clearly see it's a crazy and deadly dizease enough with taking shortcuts and doing funny commitments/programs it's time to realize we must do everything possible to recover including getting off of GYE and actually doing a real live recovery program we can not continue to let this addiction wreak havoc in our lifes.



 Lots of love Yankel the addict in recovery



Thank you (my brother).

 

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 19:15 #345582

  • Markz
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Whoops. It looked like your post from beginning to end.
Can you try use the Quote button correctly

Hit the quote button, then type your words of wisdom at the bottom below the gray line
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Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 20:02 #345583

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Markz wrote on 28 Nov 2019 19:15:
"Markz" post=345582 date=1574968516 catid=19


Whoops. It looked like your post from beginning to end.
Can you try use the Quote button correctly

Hit the quote button, then type your words of wisdom at the bottom below the gray line

Thanks. sorry.

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 21:05 #345585

  • sleepy
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Iampowerless wrote on 28 Nov 2019 17:34:
@sleepy in theory you are 100% correct. Unfortunately our feelings/emotions which are what I as an addict lead and act out life based on them unfortunately don't always follow theory..........

Thanks a lot for your kind words, how is your recovery journey going? Getting where you feel you need to?

 Regards Yankel

excuse me for asking , i could understand alot of things on the list which are caused by the disiese but feeling fake is a mental attitude ,if the Torah tells you that you are not a fake, how  does the addiction make you feel fake,especialy if you acknowledge that its a sickness, if someone has a sickness to take his tefilin and  c'v throw it accross the room and then puts on tefilin and kisses the tefilin, is he fake?
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post

Re: just trying to do the right thing 28 Nov 2019 22:57 #345597

  • Iampowerless
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excuse me for asking , i could understand alot of things on the list which are caused by the disiese but feeling fake is a mental attitude ,if the Torah tells you that you are not a fake, how  does the addiction make you feel fake,especialy if you acknowledge that its a sickness, if someone has a sickness to take his tefilin and  c'v throw it accross the room and then puts on tefilin and kisses the tefilin, is he fake?

@sleepy you are 100% right that its a sickness and if i would be working my SA program or any other program that works such as Smart recovery properly and i would have a fall then i shouldn't feel guilty i did what i was able too..........

but what I've realized about my falls they 100% always happen when i think I'm smarter than my disease and i stop showing up to meetings i stop working my program, i stop making phone calls and being honest with myself, so when i have a fall it is my fault 100%. I had the available tools to not fall and i decided to not do them..........

so i do feel guilty and removed and therefore emotionally feel like I'm living a double life so while you are 100% correct in theory and according to the torah one thing has zero to do with the other. But this list was my personal consequences and since i feel this way whether right or wrong it's a consequence for me

 Love Yankel 
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes

Re: just trying to do the right thing 01 Dec 2019 17:55 #345648

  • Iampowerless
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Hi everyone b'h I reached 2 weeks of sobriety by rejoining SA. Anyways i am continuing to work on my 1st step the more i work on this step the more i realize the craziness of this addiction..... and the more i realize I've tried everything to stop including GYE and all kinds of Tapschic/filters and every program had an expiration date eventually i fell..........i'm trully powerless over this deadly sickness i must continue attending SA and working the program.

Here is the list I've written so far for myself of episodes of acting out/analzing powerlessness in those episodes. I hope it belps others to truly understand the nature of this disease 

• Shaking and shocked at the extreme of pornography 1st time i watched it in grandparents house......
• Looking encylopedias and any sort of book that would talk about the word sex for hours on end in extremely compulsive ways
• Listening to a radio show nonstop on sex for 2 hours at night for around 2 years with extreme compulsively and missed many chavrusas and commitments due to my need to listen to that show.
• Breaking 3 or 4 radios in the process. Tried to destroy the antennas of 2 cd players in my house countless times without success to try to stop myself from listening.........
• Grandparents house for hours on end including extremely late at night where i could have easily been caught X5-8
• Magazines/always looking for books then throwing it out and then going to the garbage to repick it to read it
• Going through halacha books as well as any book/ going through mail looking for material to lust
• Going through my mothers bras/drawers as well as while a guest in other people's house going through there drawers looking for lingerie.
• Going through the drawers/bedroom in my aunt's house while babysitting looking for pictures/see if i can find anything sexual.
• Missing a family trip to yellowstone and staying home for that full week in order to watch pornography i walked 30 minute plus to staples to buy a wifi stick to watch as my parents had removed wifi capacity from my home computer
• Airplane. Watching extremely sexual scenes even though the passengers next to me must have been shocked that an orthodox Jew is busy watching that and there were other frum jews on my flight X 5
• Acting out after a full night of learning shavuos night even though I was extremely exhaused.
• causing a flood while taking a shower in a strangers house when i got to israel due to dizziness from acting out in plan and i totally didn't even realize..........
• Mir dirah stealing friends phone in israel and then walking around 25 minutes every day sometimes twice a day to wifi x80-120 times.
• going to Israelis dirah and fighting with them to let me watch and use their movie player all the time even though they were uncomftorble about it. X30-60 times
• Mechalel Yom Kippur in israel due to me going crazy from nonstop acting out on yom kippur.
• Erev yom kippur in Lakewood in hospital due to cutting finger due to compulsive acting out beforehand and feeling dizzy
• Reading and looking at sex positions book in library while other people were around and trying to hide it when people walked near by x20
• Boss commenting to me "you seemed very busy on sunday" which was a day i watched pornography for hours on end at work to this day I worry that he "chapped"
• Watching nonstop during work including some times when my office mate was in the room. And coming back late at night to my office to watch porn until extremely late at night
• Using the small office by work to watch and one time i masturbated just as someone came into the room to ask me a question. To this day i worry that he "chopped" what i was up to.
• Nonstop acting out while dating as well as after dates and during the date the only thing that mattered and i was obsessed about was their looks.
• By dating mentioning to some girls that it's normal for man to have such strong needs and it's ok, trying to see how they would react.........
• Telling shadchanim i need the girl to dress like this or like that to help me out on the next date. Trying to force/manipulate what girls need to wear to dates......
• Watching news/videos just to see the women.
• Always picking the chair/seat in events facing the women so i can lust after them...........
• Always focusing on looks and tops of girls I'm with including family members and being jeolous of people/friends with pretty wifes
• Doubting and constantly testing myself sexually if I can get hard. Etc.
• Reading self help websites as well as sexual shalom bayis help chats and opening accounts to lady only jewish chats and getting caught by them
• Caught in library and kicked out by the security guard In front of everyone it was so embarrassing i promised myself that I'm done......yet 2 weeks later i was back in the library looked around and when i noticed that day there was a different security guard when straight to lustful actions
• Masturbating to everything stupid i could get my hands on including looking through Google maps for pictures to masturbate to........
• Putting juice/mayonaisse to help me masturbate.
• Joining random Whatsapp sexual chat groups sending pics and videos of my penis and requesting nonstop videos. Then deleting whatsapp as though that would help my addiction........
• Putting a filter on my work computer that sends emails to mommy and mommy getting emails that I'm watching porn........ even though i was so embarrassed and started seeing a therapist right after to help me with the addiction i still couldn't stop myself and very soon thereafter i was back to pornography.
• Trying to convince parents to get a filter because of feeling helpless.
• Nightly fight/ getting new filters and then right away searching and finding loopholes always in Tag the people there know me well
• Non stop tapschic/starting again with different shnidts through gye and while i had some nice days of sobriety eventually i kept falling.
• Masturbating while driving x5. What a retarded sickness........
• Going through the streets of LA trying to find a billboard i saw earlier.
• Going to the library for hours upon hours until extremely late at night and at times including when i was extremely exhaused such as after a date waiting and going crazy to get reception x30
• Giving chizuk to a fellow GYE member while at the same time trying to rush the call to watch porn
• Calling chat lines using and stealing brothers and parents credit card for the free trial
• Stealing grandmothers phone taking it into the bathroom to charge it so i could watch pornography x4 She probably got a crazy charge on grandmothers phone due to roaming charges
• Coming to work and hurrying to finish my tasks to get my porn fix. X50
• Browsing through nudes while there were other people in my room/office
• Nonstop masturbation including when other people were in the room and bedroom x10
• Going crazy spending tonz of time trying to find a particular book in grandparents house 2 weeks ago.
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes

Re: just trying to do the right thing 02 Dec 2019 01:21 #345658

  • ColinColin
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iampowerless that is a very brave thing to list.

The Yetzer Hara will make us do almost anything...we go crazy.

Thank G-D for this place to make us realise we are not alone in our struggle and there is hope.
Last Edit: 02 Dec 2019 01:21 by ColinColin.

Re: just trying to do the right thing 02 Dec 2019 19:00 #345669

  • David26fr
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Your list is like an uppercut in my face. I was crying during reading it.
Because I can recognize myself in some of these episodes 

And it's a good uppercut... to awake me and to be honest about these compulsive behaviours, and where they could lead me, to all these... And to see the bottom before reaching it

Thanks thanks a lot, I feel less alone this night

Re: just trying to do the right thing 03 Dec 2019 03:53 #345677

  • Mark18
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David26fr wrote on 02 Dec 2019 19:00:
Your list is like an uppercut in my face. I was crying during reading it.
Because I can recognize myself in some of these episodes 

And it's a good uppercut... to awake me and to be honest about these compulsive behaviours, and where they could lead me, to all these... And to see the bottom before reaching it

Thanks thanks a lot, I feel less alone this night

I found myself in a number of these episodes that i also lived through and also cried while reading/reliving these times

Re: just trying to do the right thing 03 Dec 2019 17:41 #345693

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+"Iampowerless" wrote on 01 Dec 2019 17:55:
Hi everyone b'h I reached 2 weeks of sobriety by rejoining SA. Anyways i am continuing to work on my 1st step the more i work on this step the more i realize the craziness of this addiction..... and the more i realize I've tried everything to stop including GYE and all kinds of Tapschic/filters and every program had an expiration date eventually i fell..........i'm trully powerless over this deadly sickness i must continue attending SA and working the program.

Here is the list I've written so far for myself of episodes of acting out/analzing powerlessness in those episodes. I hope it belps others to truly understand the nature of this disease 

• Shaking and shocked at the extreme of pornography 1st time i watched it in grandparents house......
• Looking encylopedias and any sort of book that would talk about the word sex for hours on end in extremely compulsive ways
• Listening to a radio show nonstop on sex for 2 hours at night for around 2 years with extreme compulsively and missed many chavrusas and commitments due to my need to listen to that show.
• Breaking 3 or 4 radios in the process. Tried to destroy the antennas of 2 cd players in my house countless times without success to try to stop myself from listening.........
• Grandparents house for hours on end including extremely late at night where i could have easily been caught X5-8
• Magazines/always looking for books then throwing it out and then going to the garbage to repick it to read it
• Going through halacha books as well as any book/ going through mail looking for material to lust
• Going through my mothers bras/drawers as well as while a guest in other people's house going through there drawers looking for lingerie.
• Going through the drawers/bedroom in my aunt's house while babysitting looking for pictures/see if i can find anything sexual.
• Missing a family trip to yellowstone and staying home for that full week in order to watch pornography i walked 30 minute plus to staples to buy a wifi stick to watch as my parents had removed wifi capacity from my home computer
• Airplane. Watching extremely sexual scenes even though the passengers next to me must have been shocked that an orthodox Jew is busy watching that and there were other frum jews on my flight X 5
• Acting out after a full night of learning shavuos night even though I was extremely exhaused.
• causing a flood while taking a shower in a strangers house when i got to israel due to dizziness from acting out in plan and i totally didn't even realize..........
• Mir dirah stealing friends phone in israel and then walking around 25 minutes every day sometimes twice a day to wifi x80-120 times.
• going to Israelis dirah and fighting with them to let me watch and use their movie player all the time even though they were uncomftorble about it. X30-60 times
• Mechalel Yom Kippur in israel due to me going crazy from nonstop acting out on yom kippur.
• Erev yom kippur in Lakewood in hospital due to cutting finger due to compulsive acting out beforehand and feeling dizzy
• Reading and looking at sex positions book in library while other people were around and trying to hide it when people walked near by x20
• Boss commenting to me "you seemed very busy on sunday" which was a day i watched pornography for hours on end at work to this day I worry that he "chapped"
• Watching nonstop during work including some times when my office mate was in the room. And coming back late at night to my office to watch porn until extremely late at night
• Using the small office by work to watch and one time i masturbated just as someone came into the room to ask me a question. To this day i worry that he "chopped" what i was up to.
• Nonstop acting out while dating as well as after dates and during the date the only thing that mattered and i was obsessed about was their looks.
• By dating mentioning to some girls that it's normal for man to have such strong needs and it's ok, trying to see how they would react.........
• Telling shadchanim i need the girl to dress like this or like that to help me out on the next date. Trying to force/manipulate what girls need to wear to dates......
• Watching news/videos just to see the women.
• Always picking the chair/seat in events facing the women so i can lust after them...........
• Always focusing on looks and tops of girls I'm with including family members and being jeolous of people/friends with pretty wifes
• Doubting and constantly testing myself sexually if I can get hard. Etc.
• Reading self help websites as well as sexual shalom bayis help chats and opening accounts to lady only jewish chats and getting caught by them
• Caught in library and kicked out by the security guard In front of everyone it was so embarrassing i promised myself that I'm done......yet 2 weeks later i was back in the library looked around and when i noticed that day there was a different security guard when straight to lustful actions
• Masturbating to everything stupid i could get my hands on including looking through Google maps for pictures to masturbate to........
• Putting juice/mayonaisse to help me masturbate.
• Joining random Whatsapp sexual chat groups sending pics and videos of my penis and requesting nonstop videos. Then deleting whatsapp as though that would help my addiction........
• Putting a filter on my work computer that sends emails to mommy and mommy getting emails that I'm watching porn........ even though i was so embarrassed and started seeing a therapist right after to help me with the addiction i still couldn't stop myself and very soon thereafter i was back to pornography.
• Trying to convince parents to get a filter because of feeling helpless.
• Nightly fight/ getting new filters and then right away searching and finding loopholes always in Tag the people there know me well
• Non stop tapschic/starting again with different shnidts through gye and while i had some nice days of sobriety eventually i kept falling.
• Masturbating while driving x5. What a retarded sickness........
• Going through the streets of LA trying to find a billboard i saw earlier.
• Going to the library for hours upon hours until extremely late at night and at times including when i was extremely exhaused such as after a date waiting and going crazy to get reception x30
• Giving chizuk to a fellow GYE member while at the same time trying to rush the call to watch porn
• Calling chat lines using and stealing brothers and parents credit card for the free trial
• Stealing grandmothers phone taking it into the bathroom to charge it so i could watch pornography x4 She probably got a crazy charge on grandmothers phone due to roaming charges
• Coming to work and hurrying to finish my tasks to get my porn fix. X50
• Browsing through nudes while there were other people in my room/office
• Nonstop masturbation including when other people were in the room and bedroom x10
• Going crazy spending tonz of time trying to find a particular book in grandparents house 2 weeks ago.

WOW!WHAT AN HONEST POST , I REALLY HAVE WHAT TO LEARN FROM YOU, IF YOU WOULD ALLOW ME I WOULD CHANGE AT LEAST FOR THIS POST YOURE USERNAME TO "IAMPOWERFUL "(please excuse the capital letters the pc was on caplock and i wasnt able to rewrite the above words although maybe you deserve capital words )
raelly very honest! if you dont mind me asking and it may be hard to give an honest answer , but the thing that you wrote about masterbating in a car , did that happen BEFORE you started gye or AFTER?thanks for honestly responding,hatzlacha .
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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