I've just joined GYE.  Already I have had a couple chats and am comforted and strengthened by your presence.  I've never joined a group like this before; but, I recognize that I need your support to succeed with this challenge.  I'm 49, married, and have five wonderful children.  I thought that these struggles would get easier as I got older; but, clearly the yetzer is ageless and I need better tools to fight it.  I have been "clean" for long periods for time, even more than a year; but, sometimes stress or another trigger will be a michshool for me.  I choose "tocho k'boro" as my name because (I'm sure many of us share this feeling), my external actions (davening, learning, care for my familiy, and the high moral conduct that my co-workers see in me) can be so inconsistent with other activities ... and that leaves me feeling empty and spiritually drained.  I want to feel that I am living a life of emes and bringing kedusha and tahara to my home and family.  I seek to be tocho k'boro and feel like a whole mensch.  Good Shabbos!

Welcome -

Stick around - we make you president of the Boro if you like ;-)

Welcome.
Wishing you much Hatzluche.
It's never to late.

We are told to start by reading the GYE"s hanbook.

You ARE תוכו כברו, you're doing everything that is in your hands to be what others see in you. The fact that hashem gave you this YH & you fall for him sometimes doesn't mean that this is who you are inside. You are a holly yid that wants to be good, tries to do everything the right way. Happens to be that you have one YH that many people find difficult to fight alone, so you need help for it & if you allow your self to get help you're doing what Hashem wants you to do. This is who you are.

Welcome!  Your sentiments are very common.  Check out the handbook.  Keep posting.