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Here again- chicken or egg?
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TOPIC: Here again- chicken or egg? 1254 Views

Here again- chicken or egg? 27 Sep 2017 17:01 #320663

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Unfortunately I'm back again after many (many) ups and downs. I presently clean for about two weeks, obviously this time of year helps..
I'm not sure if my underlying problem is that I'm just a regular selfish, full fledged addict or if it's lack of direction and fulfillment in life.
For a few months I was driven and focused on a certain project, and while I was certainly tempted here and there, by and large I just wasn't interested in porn and lustful pursuits- I was just too busy and felt like I was going somewhere in life.  But now I'm finished with that project and I'm back to my empty self. On a smaller scale as well whenever I'm accomplishing or engaged in something fulfilling I don't get schlepped in, but overall I'm in a situation where my life is empty and I don't feel like I'm being productive or utilizing my potential- and that's when all the trouble really starts.

So should I focus on recovery or is my main problem my life in itself?

Depressed, frustrated, empty and lost.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 27 Sep 2017 17:14 #320664

  • Markz
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Welcome brother

If I see someone waving an egg around their head on Friday I'll come over and say hi

Now to your question. There's a simple equation

Recovery = Life
No recovery no life

As Dov says, recovery is defined by focusing on life and not escape to projects etc

May you merit to be written in the book of life this year :-)
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Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 27 Sep 2017 17:29 #320665

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Thank you for your welcome but I will probably be waving a chicken on Friday not an egg

Perhaps I was a bit vague. I didn't mean "project" as a side endeavor, it was more of a larger long term focus in life- so as you say I was "alive" and therefore not constantly falling. I guess question wasn't if I need recovery=life, but rather what the focus of my recovery should be. Should I frequent GYE and try different methods or primarily focus on figuring out my life (I'm not sure how to do that) and then the lustful shtusim will evaporate by as a side effect- as displayed by when I was fully occupied and focused on a long term goal.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 27 Sep 2017 18:21 #320666

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Can't really help you
Maybe ask a coach / shrink / your rabbi to fill in the brackets

In other news - Why did the chicken cross the road??
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Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 29 Sep 2017 13:03 #320763

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Being busy and having a focus can definitely help.  Are there hobbies you can engage in?  What about chessed projects ect.?  Having friends and being social can also be very helpful.  Check out the handbook and try some of the tools.  I wouldn't get too caught up in the "am I an addict or not game".  It is not usually helpful.  See what works and do it.  Keep posting here.  I wish you all the best.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 01 Oct 2017 04:29 #320788

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Hey Dreamer,

I very much relate to the "lack of fulfillment" issue. I think that's a large part of the reason I fall when I do. Keeping busy and doing things that make you feel accomplished is definitely one way of tackling this underlying problem, whether that means a Torah project, chesed project, a work assignment, exercise, or a hobby that you enjoy. 

Also, building relationships with people on this site helps. Sometimes we turn to shmutz because we feel that will fill some type of void. Reaching out to people who are also dealing with lust related issues (or any other difficult moment or rough day) is tremendously comforting and fills that void. I am not at all perfect, but that is what has helped me out.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 02 Oct 2017 02:08 #320818

  • ColinColin
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Dreamer

Do not be afraid to have some leisure time.

I know keeping busy with work helps my esteem, then I feel low if I am not working. I feel guilty about leisure
But it is wrong.
One should be able to let off steam in a healthy way.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 04 Aug 2019 21:55 #342688

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Bumping this old post of mine. Unfortunately not much has changed since a few years ago. I’m right back to my chicken/egg situation. I’m close to giving up for good. On everything.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 04 Aug 2019 23:09 #342689

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Dreamer wrote on 04 Aug 2019 21:55:
Bumping this old post of mine. Unfortunately not much has changed since a few years ago. I’m right back to my chicken/egg situation. I’m close to giving up for good. On everything.

What came first - the chicken or the egg?

Darwinish - first there was a Big Bang

Dovish - first there was a big egg called Humpty Dumpty. Then there was a rock bottom. And all the kings horses and all the kings men couldnt wait for stillgoing to piece the story together again
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Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 05 Aug 2019 02:56 #342690

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Just wondering why you didn't keep up your thread over the years it is often a very powerful tool

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 05 Aug 2019 21:13 #342707

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Dreamer

I understand.

When you have no project to focus on, your esteem drops. 
Your "purpose" drops.

I get that also.

But the answer is to take life day by day.
To recognise the things that we enjoy which are positive, and incorporate them into life...through easy times and difficult times.

There has to be some activities which interest you that you can do outside of work...sports, reading, board games, studying, going to shiurim, visiting relatives etc.

Focus on these too.

Even volunteer in the community..there are sure to be charity projects which need help...repairing homes or sorting donated clothes or distributing food to the poor before Shabbat etc.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 06 Aug 2019 13:02 #342713

  • gye5770
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ColinColin wrote on 05 Aug 2019 21:13:
Dreamer

There has to be some activities which interest you that you can do outside of work...sports, reading, board games, studying, going to shiurim, visiting relatives etc.

Focus on these too.



I have also started reading more again books that are usefull to me, as if i would read junkbooks i heard that would just be a distraction from watching pornography etc.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 06 Aug 2019 18:11 #342715

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You make some good suggestions. The problem is I’m not just missing out on side hobbies, without getting into more detail I’m completely unfulfilled even in my primary occupation (or lack of it) and direction in life (or lack of it). I understand that no one here can help me with such vagueness and lack of detail, so forgive me for venting on here anyway.
Last Edit: 06 Aug 2019 18:12 by Dreamer.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 07 Aug 2019 09:48 #342725

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No problem enjoy venting. I dont know if it get you anywhere , but i pray for you to find the right way.

Re: Here again- chicken or egg? 07 Aug 2019 16:45 #342737

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I recognise what you are describing, though presumably its different for everyone. I have felt that feeling of drifting which comes when work is slow or I cant see where life is going. When stress tells me that I'm useless because I have not accomplished much.
I usually give in for a bit (though recently its been food not porn), then realise that actually, my life does have purpose, just that I maybe don't recognize it.
Be strong. Your life might seem unfulfilling, but that might be an opportunity to redirect it (which is always possible).  
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